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All I need is you


Author: Archer
ASL Info:    17/female/Oregon
Elite Ratio:    4.82 - 118 /148 /53
Words: 524
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 963
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 2649



Description:


I know it is morbid and all but it is not ment to be a real scuicide i swear. the spelling sucks i know but i don't have a spell check thing on my computer right now. this is how i truly feel but for some reason the words evaded me for a long time i just wish that now i can learn to say goodbye. i hope that in some way it inspires my reader and in another way makes you think. and if it did let me know it would help me to become a better writer. love and light to you all
Archer


All I need is you



All my life I have waited for someone to come along
To hold my head high and to keep me strong.
Someone that saw me for who I really am,
Someone to include me in their lifes plan.
But alas my heart beats cold fear,
I don't see who I am in the crystal clear mirror.
I see a faint reality that makes me look away,
And it's no wonder you never wanted to stay.
I look like I am someone totally differant and new,
but I can be better again all I need is you.

I look at the sun but I don't see it shine,
And I hear the breeze wisper over time.
But I don't feel it's breath on my skin,
I cant allow my self to heal again.
You abandond me in my darkest night,
Nightmares plauged my every sight.
But an angel appeard and fought them away
I wish so bad that angel would stay.
I am but a shell of who I once was,
I don't laugh and smile anymore just because.

I know my rhyme is forced and my words much the same,
But I am still dying to change who I became.
All I need is you mommy to hold me as I cry,
All I need is you so I can say goodbye.
swiftly an knife taken, to stab with in my breast,
and my heart beats it's last beat to lay my soul to rest.
I waited so long but I wait no more,
My dream a simple reality, as I lie here on the floor.
No blood would come, to wash my pain away,
And I sing a sad sad song, of words I forgot how to say.
But mommy I'm still waiting for you,
And I hope that in my reality I learn to say how much I love you.

All I need is you mommy, to take my pain away,
All I need is you to feel the suns shining rays.
All I need is you mommy to feel a breath of life,
All I need is you to know that I'm alright.

Thank you dark angel, who gave me back my dreams,
thank you silent gard who taught to love all things,
thank you life without I would be lost
thank you gentel breez for with out you I would forget.

All I need is you mommy, to take my pain away,
All I need is you to feel the suns shining rays.
All I need is you mommy to feel a breath of life,
All I need is you to know that I'm alright.

Please dear mother hold me as I cry,
I promise not to let this steel be my goodbye.
But All I need is you to hear my final breath,
for in my dreams I am beyond death.




Submitted on 2005-12-21 14:12:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  When you said you did not have spell check, I thought is she running a Commodore 64 or what! Really, what program do you have installed, not even "Works"?
But, regardless you are here; And you do need more than spell check, for steel is spelled right, its just the wrong steal. And several others also need attention.
Yes a computer in hand doth not a writer make!
Sorry, but the ideas here are fantasticly concieved and so poorly executed. Good spelling, grammer and style adjustments make this a fantastic piece worthy of great reviews. You still will get many who may just love this and they will be overlooking the trivial mistakes, which is fine. I just see spilled paint on the frame of a marvelous masterpiece.
I'll be looking back again, hope to see you as well.
LATER
| Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
  It's raw and open and this I can really get my teeth in, these kind of subjects are difficult to be so close to when writing without becoming maudlin and you've succeeded there.

For a piece of this length you might want to try a more dispersed rhyme sceam (abab/abba/etc) and develop concepts beyopng couplettes. They create a good driving rhythm at first but it's hard to sustain that for so long. Also, be aware that off rhymes (mirror/fear) draw a lot of attention to them if they're so isolated among full rhymes.

Secondly, be more aware of the candence you create with the accents of your word choice and punctuation. It's basicly soild but reads "choppy" at times. this was a real problem of mine for a long time, what worked for me was reading them aloud to myself so I could pick-out the spots where my meter broke down.

Be ruthless with yourself, sometimes a good line just has to go or an approach change. You have tallent, you're good. Develop your skills more and you'll be better the good.

-Jason The [censored]
| Posted on 2005-12-21 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]
  Archer,

Your poetry is great I can truly understand
My mom was around but she didn't care
When I needed her to hold me I had to hold myself
It wasn't a problem to talk to her when I had my wealth
I feel your pain deeply as you release it as you write
How it ignites as the sparks of hurt recite
Each line a niche in time of reminiscence of pain felt
Without her there to ease thee with her care
This writting so pure this writting so just
Never mind the mispellings compliment you I must
Keep up the great work Archer aim for higher heights
Let thy success arrows shoot for the moon sailing amongst the stars each night
| Posted on 2005-12-21 00:00:00 | by B-Gentle | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmmm..this one might be a toughy for ol' Danny C to critique...it's difficult to analyze something so personal -- a piece like this is written by and for the writer...other's can read it, but the only critiques we can really give you are technical critiques...the content is completely personal and not really subject for debate, since it's your experience and not ours....

...there are a few spelling mistakes here. I think you should test drive this subject in a different format, non-rhyming, something a little more freeform that doesn't restrict you to rhyming words to make a sentence work.

Ont he other hand, if these were lyrics to a song, well..my critique would be different.

The strongest element of this piece is the honesty, which is all that really matters when you get down to it....meaning...you've succeeded. Dark stuff, but good stuff.
| Posted on 2005-12-21 00:00:00 | by Corvettlaufer | [ Reply to This ]


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