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    dots Submission Name: Hulldots

    Author: Topher Vine
    ASL Info:    31/m/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    2.66 - 24/44/33
    Words: 194
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 707
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1292

       This is opne of my favorite poems of mine. it , i belive runs the full spectrums of my abilities. Please be brutally honest

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Iíll fight you
    with fluorescent rubber swords,
    until this war of words is over.
    choose your weapon,
    a glow in the dark light saber,
    fall by the magic of my four leafed clover.

    Walk into my room
    Iíll kill you in the gloom.
    bubbles circle the sky,
    to pick at your bones as we watch you die.
    The wind whistles ďyour in the army nowĒ
    your not,
    but soon,
    youíll be underground

    A pleasant victory
    I celebrate with Tizer.
    Drinking to my self
    I wish Iíd never met you.
    You turned my life into this crazy hell,
    Iíve waited forever to get you
    waited so long,
    for you to leave your wishing well

    Iíve pondered and planned
    itís all written down,
    in a battered transformers note book,
    that hangs from a meat hook.
    Iíll cover you in chocolate
    hoist you up on a crane
    let people throw Ricicles,
    and charge them a pound

    With my fortune Iíll escape
    back home to hull.
    settle down in happiness
    with a life far too dull
    But she is without me
    my soul free from torture,
    Iím having showers
    in rainbow coloured water

    Submitted on 2005-12-21 17:56:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Been there ;)

    Me like, wonderful sense of quiet and reserved angst-No doubt gleaned from your Brittish cultural background, augmented by your Auzzie criminal nature. Seriously though, good stuff!

    I got a little confused near the end of the third stanza and by the punctuation at the end stanza but nothing that took from the overall flow of things.

    Another thing I liked is when I first read it, the voice in my head was sort of flippant and crass which worked well for it, but when I went back to reread it, it struck me as more driving and contemplative which I liked even more. An accomplishment there, it allows you (the reader) to bring a great deal of interpratation to it and sort of fill-in the blanks yourself. More poetry should aspire to do that.

    Will be looking for you here,

    Jason The [censored]

    BTW: Metal Heart74 scares me, I'm checking his stuff out next.
    | Posted on 2005-12-21 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]
      Awesome! Just awesome! I'll be honest this piece rocked. I just came from watching Kill Bill vol.1 so I feel like this mood, happy with violence. Don't worry I'm an ok guy...in the end. The anger expressed through violence was captured here perfectly, I frequently get this angry with people and fantsize about this kind of punishment, which I do less often than you might imagine. But this gets me fired up. Like a drunk packers fan at the superbowl. Allright lemme settle down. Seriously this piece was well assembled well written and the message come trough. So if that is what you wanted you did it. Welcome to the site.
    Metal Heart74
    | Posted on 2005-12-21 00:00:00 | by Metal Heart74 | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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