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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sunsetdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: K
    ASL Info:    26/Namibia/Africa
    Elite Ratio:    5.64 - 183/172/46
    Words: 368
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 653
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2305



    Description:
       Abortion. but more the effects on the male and female both. This started out as a story of hope, but it turned into this.

    Any comments are appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSunsetdots
    -------------------------------------------



    The red of sunset intertwines with scarlet stains,
    not from spilt wine nor hot cherry sauce,
    but from a decision made in great haste.
    The linen once white, now coloured,
    are ruined by what once gave life.
    Stains no more;
    now soaked;
    the sun witnesses,
    the bloodshed.

    The monster sits on a hill,
    hidden behind rocks,
    covered by flowering shrubs and bush.
    The rays give his coat an orangey glow,
    a majestic presence…
    He can’t see, but he is aware,
    of the horror in the cabin below.
    As the sun says good night,
    the orangey glow becomes a blood red clot.

    The sobs of the heart are ignored.
    “It had to be done?” the mind rationalizes.
    For even the pain now endured and yet to be projected,
    could not quench this insatiable lust;
    now this too has to be.
    All will be adequate,
    but an intense hollow will remain.
    Outside the cabin now the monster dwells,
    observes the person through one of the many cracks in the wooden walls.

    “Why did you do it!” the monster cries.
    The sound could shatter the pine, scatter the birds, but all it does is splinter his heart.
    It’s intensity absorbed by the gluttonous walls,
    which have front row seats to the ‘death show’ inside.
    More blood and more pain;
    no comfort and still nothing gained,
    she lies on her bed.
    Sobbing, fighting, crying; she drinks her cup, now too late to stop.
    The egg has been broken; the shell no longer able to protect the life inside.

    Helpless, distraught, bewildered; the monster is consumed by disgust,
    he had a part in this, but now he is an observer without any guts.
    Unable to comprehend the depth of her pain,
    he turns away slowly and walks away.
    Alone on top of the hill, he drops to his knees.
    With the sun now set, his coat looks dull; his magnificence shamed.
    Natures’ voice caresses his cheek and subtly whispers in his ear;
    it promises new beginnings when the sun again will scare away the dark.
    He wonders if it will be enough to absolve her guilt; in her eye, reignite the spark.




    Submitted on 2005-12-22 05:19:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      WOW, i read this and its really good, sometimes it doesn't rhyme, and it goes on in a few spots, but otherwise, brava!!
    Isabella
    | Posted on 2007-01-12 00:00:00 | by IsabellaAurora | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm gonna be totally honest with you... like tulip I also thought that it went on and on a bit - the first two stanzas were really good but then it kind of tapered off. The last three stanzas didn't really appeal as I read through it - this is just my personal opinion but I think writers should make it as concise as they can... eliminating extraneous words and tightening up on the overall emotive influence of the entire work.

    Now, this is what I get from a purely subjective point of view... sunsets mean the end of something to you, you also write of clots (restrictions yet healing), monsters (perhaps your hidden desires), white linen (purity, your soul, whatever you hold untouched to yourself only).... I see and feel metaphors here... and that is what I think you should be focusing on. The last stanzas don't have as much impact, there's too much being said I think. Cut it back, cut it back, you know?

    This is what I propose (and as I said, only my opinion) - keep the first two stanzas and ditch the rest. Travesty you say? I don't mean it in any offensive way at all - get rid of the fat and leave the meat behind, leave an image to show, but don't tell the reader everything... do you know what I mean?

    With that said, I played around with your first two stanzas - let them breathe a bit more, spaced it out into smaller chunks as such. Tell me what you think. I'm sorry if this might seem to overstep your boundaries but I feel that pieces can always be polished and refined. But who am I to say this? Just another writer with another perspective that might give you something to think about....

    The red of sunset
    (en)twines
    with scarlet stains()
    (--) not from spilt wine
    ()or hot cherry sauce,
    but from a decision
    made in great haste.

    The linen(,) once white()
    (--) now coloured,
    ruined
    by what once
    gave life(;)
    the sun witnesses()
    (new) bloodshed.

    The monster sits(),
    hidden behind rocks,
    covered by ()shrubs
    and bush(es)(;)
    ()rays give his coat
    an orange() glow,
    a majestic presence(.)

    He can’t see,
    but he is aware,
    of the horror
    in the cabin below(;)
    as the sun says goodnight,
    the (embers) become()
    (clotted blood-red).

    All the brackets are bits I've suggested, empty meaning it's been deleted, or full with a substitution - there's also different line-breaks... take what you like and dismiss what doesn't suit you of course.

    Hope this helps and with no offence given.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-12-27 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      This gets off to a very promising start. The language used in the first verse is well-chosen, concise and effective. However, as the poem goes on, I feel it becomes a bit long-winded. Several phrases, eg. 'orangey glow' are repeated, and the poem no longer has the elegance present in the first verse, where the lines are shorter and more densely packed with imagery. The line 'observes the person through one of the many cracks in the wooden walls' sounds almost clumsy - how about just 'watches her through the cracks in the wood'?

    All in all, a pretty good poem. I just think it could be better.
    T x
    | Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by tulip | [ Reply to This ]


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