There was a night so sombre
Leaving tears in its wake,
The sky was filled with sadness
Yet dawn had long to break,
The living could only be simple
While the mists were setting in,
Endeavour shied away with doubt
Lest fear would lie within,
The light seemed evanescent
And the darkness strived to surround,
A forest, hosting this bitter war,
Cried out without a sound,
But admist such anxiety
A lake lies solemnly alone,
Two people, lovers, joined by hand,
Were making this world their own,
The sun approved from hiding
And the moon smiled upon high,
Together, 'til break of day, they danced
To the music of the spheres in the sky.
There was a night so mournful
That darkness fled from death,
The sky was empty handed
Causing trails of visible breath,
The ghost flew silent and deadly
Whispering away the belief,
The sleeping lay regardless
Of dark air tainted with grief,
To all this, they were oblivious
A pair masquerading in bliss,
No thunderbolt or lightning
Would cause their rhythm to desist,
For they are two hearts in unison
And their two heats beat in time,
Born into worlds so seperate
To be together on this night,
Where they chase away the shadow
And fate flees to the sky,
Together, 'til break of day, they dance
To the music of the spheres in the sky.
| James, this is soooo beautiful! I don't even know what to say about this one, except maybe, wow. It's different somehow, than most you write. And this imagery! Blew my mind, I was in a different world completely when I read this. And it's so incredibly powerful too. I'm speechless! Really, this was soo lovely,|
|| Posted on 2008-06-03 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ] || Sorry, but I meant people always using 'bliss' incorrectly in their writings in my comment. My grammer seriously sucks.|
|| Posted on 2006-01-13 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ] || This reminded me of something I learned in World Studies last year. During 1600s or 1700s, people believed the Earth was spinning on a crystal ball or the Earth was surrounded by crystals, something like that. People said you could hear music in the sky on a particular day. Thought that was kinda cool. The first word that came to mind for describing this piece was musical and then classical. The way this written just seemed musical to me and the mood and scene of your piece made it classical. This also reminded me of a play called Once Upon a Matteres which isn't at all relevent really if you know the musical. |
A pair masquerading in bliss,
People always use 'bliss' in their writings but you did good. I was trying to see if 'merry-making' would fit instead of 'masquerading' but it doesn't have the same tone. Just a suggestion. Lovely work.
|| Posted on 2006-01-13 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ] || I almost feel like this piece is too good for me to leave a comment on, like I can't have anything to say about the greatness of what you've done.|
It's very hard to find work of this calibur because this site is filled with people like me, who just pass their stuff off as poetry, when all we really want to do is fawn over the masters work... and you, sir, are a master.
You've done great in keeping with the rhyme and I just love the mental image that it put in my head
|| Posted on 2006-01-11 00:00:00 | by wildchild | [ Reply to This ] || Alot of feedback from this. And positive too, heck i bet you enjoy reading these ones. I am however (sounds negative) in complete...agreeance! (hurrah) to what all these people have said, the imagery, the words the shape and rhythms involved. Simply Superb. Now i don't often add work to my favourites list, because I believe it is a sacred place where only the cream of what i have read may enter...and today James...today is your lucky day! You have been successfully invited into the favourites list of the Master ( Raz). CHeers.||| Posted on 2006-01-01 00:00:00 | by master raz | [ Reply to This ] || Whoah! That is.. impressive. To say the least. You've got yourself one powerful pen and a bunch of talent, my friend.|
I'll go as far to say this is the definition of beauty. Words put together, images created so... effortlessly it seems. You certainly have the gift of poetry.
Let me give you my review of this poem: Intense wording and vivid imagery keep the reader mesmerised as the piece reveals itself. Even by the end, I was left in a daze, but maybe that's just me.
It's so intruiging.. the mystery of it all. Even once the reader's done with the conclusion and the poem has finished, we still don't know why it was such a mournful night. Great effect.
The rhythm was perfect. I would've danced to it if I wasn't so caught up with reading it.
I think you've made a typing error in Section two, line fourteen. I'm supposing it should read "hearts" instead of "heats". Apart from that the only critique I can come up with is it's too good. Do you mean to put us out of business here???
Before I compliment you to death (in case I haven't already done so) I think I should be off.
So much admiration,
|| Posted on 2006-01-01 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ] || This is a really beautiful write|
I took this write as one making love with the Sky
I really enjoyed this as I love a night sky and go outside often in the middle of the night to see her beauty
Very Well Worded
|| Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ] || hmmm. i hven't written a poem since a long time. but i can tell you it must have been hard to make the transition. but you've made it pretty well. i liked the theme. and i guess its kinda even more harder when you have to write a whole poem out of a title. but it's a pretty good job.|
the images were perfect, figures of speech all hitting the right notes. the only thing i can complain about is the meter. this poem seems like it was intended to be written with a strict strcture. but somtimes it kinda breaks down. cause when i started reading it, i developed this rhythm. but towards the end expecially the last four lines of both the stanzas, the rhythym breaks down.
i'd suggest you look into the meter. that's all improvement i could suggest.
bu overall really good write. i'm really impressed how much your style's changed when i uesd to read your works a year ago. keep rocking.
peace and metal.
|| Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ] || I saw a sky with moon and sun together at the same time sharing a space that as a rule only one occupied. Though I don't believe you meant it that way I could not shake the image and the earthly lovers manifesting the desires of the musical spheres. Funny how one can take the subtle suggestions from a piece of art and find their own images and inturpretations and turn it into something of their own imagination. Nice work! Diamond Dan||| Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ] || This was awesome...really deep. It flowed perfectly and you painted some pretty amazing images. This was a very powerful write...in my opinion the emotion you showed allowed the reader into the write...as if they were watching from the shadows. I really loved this one...it's a favs add. I really can't wait to read some more from you. by the way is ur friend on ES? I'd like to read his version.|
|| Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ] || Wow!, this was certainly deep. I loved the imagery and the flow. I felt like I was looking in onthis from above watching all this happen. It had romance, supence, and nature. A very nice combination. The power of love. That's what I take away from this poem. Very good.|
|| Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ] |