[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Tale of a Dead Girldots

    Author: Toxic_Rayne
    ASL Info:    18/f/a happier place
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 1314/1095/162
    Words: 181
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 972
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1294

        Just tell me what you think and give me some ideas please. I'm not sure what people will think of it.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTale of a Dead Girldots

    Empty gazing eyes of ice
    Bruised pale white skin
    Flecked with blots of red blood
    A teenage soul
    Caged in death's flood
    Chipped black fingernails
    A few broken ribs
    Used to spend her days at school
    Telling her best friend fibs
    "I tripped down the stairs"
    "Dad took me to the hospital"
    Because he really cares"
    Deep down inside
    She knows these are lies
    Her father beats her
    Until the tough girl cries
    Every day and each night
    A shard of hope dies
    She used to wear long sleaves
    During the summertime
    To mask the bruises on her wrists
    There're abrasions on her skull
    Caused by Daddy's fists
    Now this troubled teen
    Is laying dead tonight
    Even though she struggled
    She lost a lossing fight
    He beat her so badly
    That she lost sight of daylight
    She lays there with
    A broken skull
    A fractured jaw
    Blood and darkness...
    Were the last she ever saw
    Her world fading fast
    Vision deminishing
    Heart beat faltering
    As this poem ends and unfurls
    Always remember that this
    Was a tale from a dead girl

    Submitted on 2005-12-23 12:17:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I really enjoyed this read. It reminded me of "Daddy's Dead Little Girl" by Whispered Chaos. I like your style, I wish at times I could get as dark with my writing. It's sad that many kids have to go through the pain and suffering of child abuse, unfortunately it's a very real situation. All in all very good job, I'm definitely a fan, and I hope to read more soon! :)

    | Posted on 2008-07-29 00:00:00 | by my_worst_fear85 | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem really had an impact. after reading it, i really felt sadness towards the girl, i could like almost feel her pain. descriptives like "Bruised pale white skin" and "A broken skull / A fractured jaw" really helped me see her pain. It also made me feel extremed anger at that goddamn son of a [censored]. After reading it seriously wanted to rip that dude's head off. It was really powerful
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very sad poem, I like it though. The style s very creative. I feel bad for the girl, kids shouldn't have to go through that at home, it's wrong. I could visualize the whole thing word for word and got chills. You have great talent! Great job and I hope to read more from you soon!

    | Posted on 2006-07-22 00:00:00 | by my_worst_fear85 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like your poem alot. Its very inspiring, I can relate to this. Good job! <3 It created alot of imagery, its very orignal how you word it.
    | Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by atonement | [ Reply to This ]
      its a good write and a good poem as long as it is fiction if its not someone is in serious trouble don't you think
    | Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by Animus Custodis | [ Reply to This ]
      I won't vote on it, simply because I'm against the concept of scoring poetry, but this will be added to my favorites. I like imagery that I can feel, and this poem has plenty. Great job.

    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by scienceyear | [ Reply to This ]
      hey! how ya doing? this is good! awesome actually! mostly bcz of the emotion and imagery BUT! it also reminds me of a life time movie called'[censored] out of South Carolina' now dats a sad movie! good joB! keep it up!
    ~akaila evonne~
    | Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by iluvpoetry_1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Is lossing a real word? That line was a bit messed up. I liked this poem alot! I wouldn't say it was original, you get alot of poems kinda like that, but it will be something I'll remember.
    These kind of poems, disturb me in that things like this always are happening. Most of them don't have any rememberance "o a girl died, that's too bad, yeah, hey whatchu want for christmas..." Also even if they do have a little something like a poem, how many people do you think will really care? Oh that was a good poem, now onto the next!
    Hmm i'm being too dreary again...
    | Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by Red_reaper | [ Reply to This ]
      wow I liked this it was really dark and emotional it had good vivid words so u could imagine the girl on the ground and outside in the summer with her long sleeve shirt on I really like utr poems keep writing and I'll keep reading them

    | Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by in_my_suffering | [ Reply to This ]
      This was really good...you had alot of imagry and some cool wording. This is as usual a favs add. You really do have alot of talent...which is more than I can say. anyways this was a god write. keep writing.
    | Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      umm...i think i know who the dead girl is...the girl in ur icon?o well.this was a cool poem.all bloody and sad.how do u read my mind?
    i liked how it was very detailed and it was written kind of like a story that should play in the reader's head.
    poor girl,i didn't think anyone can be abused like that and not tell or do anything about it.i really hope this isn't a true story.
    anywho...this was a very good poem of a depressing situation & what made it so great was how well it flowed.
    Happy holidays!

    P.S.i just re-did "kill me with a smile" ,and it kind of sounds like ur tale of a dead girl.
    check it out if u want.
    thats why i said "how do u read my mind?".
    | Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by _Dancing_Alone_ | [ Reply to This ]
      For being your age, oh wow you have some amazing talent. I mean wow. It catches you right off, and the images... I started rubbing my arms when it said...

    She used to wear long sleaves
    During the summertime
    To mask the bruises on her wrists

    Really, that was amazing. Keep writing...
    | Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by thesacredone | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]