Description: I know it kinda falls apart in the end, so any suggestions are verry apreciated. its about the pure hearted learning to see people for who they are inside.
Imagine an angel so beautiful and pure
Showing the world that love is the cure
Imagine this angel thoughtlessly loving
Watch with me as its end is coming
Torture hurt brutal pain
Lonely life chaos disdain
Crimson tears trickle down sapphire eyes
Killing himself from all their lies
Imagine an angel so hateful and twisted
Teaching the world that animosity goes untested
Imagine this angel carelessly killing
All of their lies left him with scarlet spilling
Down the rabbit hole you must follow
To see what happens to this lovely angel tomorrow
It might hurt you it might kill
Hold your breath the blood it spills
Love is great there’s nothing equal
But hate is forever loves undying sequel
Because love always leaves you lost and alone
And hate lets you feel as tho you’ve atoned
So which is better love or hate
Hurry up now don’t make them wait
Lustful hateful malice spite
Fills this angel’s soul tonight
hey I liked this pretty much!... I really like the idea of it, and the question that it asks, "which is better? love or hate?" What makes this poem an interesting is the read is that you actually propose a sort of a substantial argument about how hate could be better than love, instead of just asking the question directly at the reader, which would have been just a question and nothing else.
and no, I don't think it falls apart at the ending... the angel does fall apart, but not your poem! haha... I think the ending's good.
What I didn't really like about the poem was the lack of punctuation.... I think there should have been some punctuation to clarify the rhythm and differentiate between one idea and another within a stanza. To me, it seemed as though you just typed this as it came out of your head, like a rant... maybe you wanted that sort of effect on your poem, like it had a rushed feel to it. I don't know. But I really really think you should revise this piece, in terms of the punctuation... because I really love the idea that you wrote here.... it just lacks that little bit right there.
Anyway, great write!!! I'm adding it to my favourites! :)
On the contrary, I found the ending quite good. It's the middle I'd like to comment about. The first and second verses are neat. Things start to get out of hand after that.
Now, never, never use the word "crimson" in a poem unless it's absolutely necessary. I learnt that the hard way. It just distracts the reader because it's so unoriginal. This is up to you, but I suggest you change this line a little. Look at this:
"Black tears fall from sapphire eyes, Killing himself from all their lies."
See how much easier it is to grasp the rhythm?
Going on to stanza four, there are just too many words in the second line. It's impossible to read to the beat you've got me used to. Want some advise? Without changing the end of that line, change the beginning:
"Imagine an angel so hateful and twisted Proposing that animosity goes untested"
How does that sound?
Verse five, line two. Remove the "lovely". I know it adds to the meaning, but if you don't want to change even more of the meaning and you want the poem to flow, take it out.
Verse eight, I say remove "now" from line two. Just to perfect the flow.
Okay, now I'll go back to what's more important: meaning. The theme as a whole is a pretty good one. Interesting, new, nice images. But if I go deeper into reading each word I find some just doesn't make sense. I think most of this is due to lack of punctuation. I dn't realise why you haven't added commas where they're supposed to be? Was it to make the poem look smooth? Anyway, I think you should revise this piece and add punctuation, it needs it.
Some things just don't make sense because I have no clue wha you're referring to. For example, the line "killing himself from all their lies". That would imply that the tears are the ones killing himself. I just don't know how that works out. And if it's a different thought and you meant 'he' was killing himself from all their lies, then what has the line above got to do with it?
"All of their lies left him with scarlet spilling". Here, I know you mean they left him bleeding, but it really doesn't fit to put it that way. I know the rhyme scheme kind of restricted you and probably it sounded alright when you wrote it, but it really doesn't fit.
"hold your breathe the blood it spills". Are "hold your breathe" and "the blood it spills" two different throughts? If so then how do they connect?
Alright, I suppose it's time to shut up now, you only asked me for writing advice. Ha ha, I hope you take my comments lightly, I only mean to help. I also think you should right out the whole word "though" instead of "tho" so that it balances your poem.
Anyhow, thanks for listening, it's up to you of course whether you take or leave my advice. No harsh feelings, it was a good piece really.
Submission Name: Angelic Hatred
