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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I Heard The Sunrisedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Aruemos
    ASL Info:    20/M/StL
    Elite Ratio:    7.24 - 102/79/40
    Words: 307
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 386
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2359



    Description:
       Different format. wrote after taking a final exam. Hope you like.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Heard The Sunrisedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I Heard the Sunrise

    Just the other day

    I heard the sunrise.

    It sounded like a primal sympony.

    Beginning creeks and bellows of
    the warming group.

    One could hear things both large and small.

    The drums were the footfalls of
    Mountains,
    Constant and Pure

    The rivers,
    a group of calm and flowing
    saxophones.

    In the distance
    I hear the paino
    of the rolling plains.

    The wind blew
    and wrung
    timeless chimes.

    And Then.

    And Then.

    I Heard the voices
    of the Trees.
    They form a
    chorus
    of
    sorts.
    Like the congregation
    of a church.
    From the whistling
    inbetween the saplings
    to the bellows of
    the ancient
    willows.

    And who filled
    the minor parts?

    why the creatures
    of course.

    The trombone
    of
    a brazen buck,

    the piccolos of
    flying birds.

    All was ready
    and then

    And then


    Came the sun.


    It started soft and lucid,
    a sound of
    pure glee,

    I thought I'd heard
    long before.

    The sound
    grew
    and
    grew.

    A tremedous cresendo,
    a pinnicale
    of
    immolated
    light.

    Soon,
    so very
    Soon.

    All other sounds
    began to
    fade.

    Leaving the Sun
    to his
    grand Solo.

    At the nexus of the day.
    He degressed.
    He degressed.

    And slowly pulled away.

    I could
    hear

    the other sounds
    again.

    Softly

    Softly

    the sun
    pulled away.

    Setting softly
    among the
    shrieling
    tree
    tops.
    Until it was
    a small
    point of
    fade.

    All I
    could
    hear
    was the scattering
    of the fallen leaves.

    As Apollo put his lyre away for yet another day.




    Submitted on 2005-12-24 00:59:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Good presentation, i liked it..could have used some more adjectives well actualyl no i like the simplicity...good job...

    -Anya
    | Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by FarawayFeelings | [ Reply to This ]
      What I like: The comparison of two senses in an allagorical way. Fresh perspective is all important in poetry, virtually nothing hasn't been said and we must alway seek new ways to experience them or they become background noise and life is muted for it. I haven't seen this particular comparison before, at first I sort of tilted my head like a confused dog and wondered what you were getting at but as I read on I found myself letting go of my disbelief and had a very lovely ride.

    That is an accomplishment. I was at first predisposed to dismiss your premess as pseudo-poetic but you pulled me in and won me over there. Very good. the unique take is what did it. I kept reading because of it where I otherwise might have stopped.

    Also, at first I didn't care for the short line structure but on the first re-read I changed that opinon. It does work best as you have it I think.

    What I didn't: Too much pushing in places with the wonder of it. I got that on my own and it was a little distracting. Understatement is almost always more powerful then overstatement. Trust your reader more, let them make some of those steps on their own.

    Also so of the repeats, such as:

    "And Then.

    And Then."

    and:

    "At the nexus of the day.
    He degressed.
    He degressed."

    Try something like this and see if you think it might work better:

    "At the nexus of day,
    He degressed.

    It felt a little over-the-top in a few places and left me wondering if you had a head full of acid. Maybe you did, done it myself, not here to judge. But people on acid require acid to relate to.

    Also, with regard to the last line (which I really liked) it might be better if you: a) Combined it with the previous sentance or b) replaced "As" with "And then" or something like that. It's a good line, the best in my opinion but you left it hanging there all by itself to its detriment.

    On the whole, a good piece that could be very good or even excellent with some work. I'll be keeping an eye out for you.

    Jason
    | Posted on 2005-12-24 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautiful. The beauty of nature even the blind can see. Repitition and spacing make the reader concentrate on every well-chosen word. A wonderful poem reminding me of what poetry once was.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2005-12-24 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't think I have ever heard the sound of music so grands as you have explained natures tones here. This is very unique and very original. I think I will have to watch the sunrise tomorrow and try to picture your write as the sun rises. To listen not with the ear but with the heart and mind.

    Great write here.

    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2005-12-24 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]


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