7 HABITS OF HIGHLY DEFECTIVE PEOPLE
In this day of self-improvement and character building, we've all come across the famous book 'The 7 habits of highly effective people.' It talks all about 'synergizing' and 'putting first things first' and being 'proactive'. Now that's fine if you have a handy dictionary, and have enough time on your hands to refer to it every few minutes. But if, like most people, you want to be rich and successful, then I'm not sure that that book is for you.
Here's why: the basic assumption made by the author is that highly effective people actually amount to anything. Unfortunately, this just isn't true. These kind of people spend so much time doing little, day-to-day things effectively that they never get around to doing the big things that actually make you successful like taking over major companies or inventing fuel-less cars.
Take this true story that I just made up as an example: highly effective person wakes up. Opens eyes. Ticks off item no. 1 'Wake up' on checklist. Gets out of bed putting right foot out before the left foot, then lowering self gently to floor, as was planned the previous night. Goes to bathroom and brushes teeth thoroughly, synergizing with each tooth individually. Pees in pajamas due to the delay. Getting dressed and breakfast are equally meticulous and time-consuming as every article of clothing is folded neatly and placed in labeled shelves. Eats food alphabetically according to inherent vitamins. The paper is read…. You get my drift.
Meanwhile the highly defective person wakes up late, trips over his cat, strips, jumps into freezing shower and back out in 30 seconds, eats his coffee, drinks his toast, and runs out of the house naked. Still, he gets to work before the Highly Effective person and gets a raise for his diligence and because the boss was too stunned by his appearance to turn him down.
Thus we see that chaos, laziness, ineptitude and nudity are important factors in corporate, and indeed any kind of success. These sterling qualities are found in a certain type of person, medically known as Highly Defective or H.D. Though those diagnosed with this have a natural advantage, you too can train yourself to develop this trait. After years of research, I've boiled down the salient behavior of these lucky people to only 7 simple habits that, once learned, will guarantee success, fame and riches.
The 7 Habits:
Many of the people who have benefited from this list have said that this is the most useful habit of all. How often we are plagued with people who just won't go away! Pesky salesmen, persistent beggars, tedious spouses, all add to the day's frustrations. Here's how to utilize this habit: wait for the pest to say something that requires a well-thought out answer. On being questioned, look pensive for a few seconds, and then let a loud fart rip through the air. Smile engagingly afterward. The person with you will instantly lose interest in you. If especially persistent, replace volume with smelliness, and it's bound to do the trick. Try to cultivate tones like irony, sarcasm, and cutting wit in your farts for added effect.
This is a useful habit for today's high-tech world. Improve your e-mail, letters, and conversations with this discipline.
Here's an example:
I have done intensive research on the project you mentioned at the previous meeting that was scheduled for tomorrow but was pre-poned due to certain reasons stated by members of the visiting party who visited some days ago, and have found that due to a lack of response from the visiting party (not the afore-mentioned visiting party but the other visiting party) who visited us during last week's postponed meeting, I cannot recommend we go ahead with it.
P.S. - My expenses during this research project are so high because I had to entertain various members of the visiting party mentioned above (the party visiting after the non-afore-mentioned visiting party)
Translation: I can't remember what you asked me to do, so I called my friends over, took them out to some nightclubs, had a blast, and charged it to the expense account!
Mumbling, false laryngitis and speaking in tribal languages are other ways you can enhance this invaluable skill.
3) Mindless Optimism:
This is less a 'habit' than it is a way of life. In order to give the impression of success and power, it is important to cultivate an air of mindless enthusiasm. However miserably your day is going, you can make your co-worker's day go even worse by contrasting his misery with your light-heartedness. Use irritating clichés and platitudes to improve the effect.
Picture this - it's a horrible, hot day in May. The air conditioners aren't working, and the water cooler has some sort of brownish gooey liquid coming out of the taps. The boss suddenly calls a surprise meeting.
Co-worker: Oh no! I'm sure he's called this meeting to fire one of us. I heard they were planning to cut staff to save on toilet paper! Woe is me!
You: Cheer up! Tomorrow will be a brighter day! Every cloud has a silver lining!
Co-worker: (looking at you suspiciously) How come you're so cheerful? Aren't you scared?
You: Scared of what? Everything that happens, happens for the best! Smile! It takes more muscles to frown, you know!
Co-worker: (By now he thinks that you have some kind of underworld connections, or you are somehow blackmailing the boss. He begins to feel like his future lies in your hands.) Y-y-es! You're right! You're always right! Have I ever told you that you have beautiful eyes? May I call you Sir? May I get you coffee? May I offer you my first-born son?
You: (as you enter the conference room with him groveling behind you) Yeah, ok…
Re-use, misuse, abuse and never refuse. That's the motto that'll help you destroy the peace of mind of every potential rival in the workplace. Start out small. Walk by them in the cafeteria and watch them eat. When they begin to leave, scrounge under the table for scraps of food. Pretend you don't know what they're talking about if they ask. Rummage through their dustbins for pencil stubs and half-used paper. Smile engagingly when caught, and mumble something about heating your home. As they begin to catch on, ask to borrow their eraser and express joy that they trust you with it. Don't return it for a few days, and avoid their eyes if they happen to look at you. Never buy anything. Arrive at the potluck office party with a handful of grass and leaves, and say you brought a salad. If contributions for anyone's birthday gift are being collected, pointedly rise and go to the bathroom just then. When you feel that everyone at the office has noticed your miserly and cheap behavior, start to make them feel guilty about their own extravagances. Collect the leftover sip of coffee from their mugs and store it in a jar labeled 'Old Age Fund'. Continue to watch them eat, but now also drool on their shoulder. Soon they'll give up eating at work. They won't be able to function; afraid that you'll notice the staples they wasted that morning. Their mind will begin to give way. Productivity will plummet. Then go to your boss, tell him that everyone is behaving weird, and insist he promote you out of that madhouse.
5) Handy Family:
I am sure that so far you've always believed that your family was pretty much good for nothing. They nagged you, scolded you, made you look after their pets, and generally made you lose your appetite at meal times by going on about incidents like your little accident with the flame-thrower and their favourite shirt. Well, why not use their ability to irritate and annoy in your favour? Gift members of your family away to co-workers who are competing for the same promotion. Send them your least favourite aunt on their birthday, and watch their stomachs fall to pieces after eating her 'special' dish. Station your mother in your boss's office to scold him every time he forgets to say 'please' and 'thank you'. Let your younger brother loose amongst the office cubicles, and enjoy the ensuing fake-lizard and kicked-shin chaos. The more dysfunctional the family, the more useful; no truly Defective person should never leave home without one.
6) Bad Math:
This means not being able to count beyond the number 6. Other numbers, say the number 7(as in, say, 7 Habits) for example, are just vague concepts. It is especially useful when you're tired, lazy, and urgently writing an article in the middle of the night which is read by freaks like you.