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    dots Submission Name: My demon (Revised)dots

    Author: K
    ASL Info:    26/Namibia/Africa
    Elite Ratio:    5.64 - 183/172/46
    Words: 204
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 710
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1277

       This has been revised. I basically took all the suggestions made by altered life, so he should get credit for this too. The poem sounds so much better now. it's funny how the lenght of the sentence can make such a difference.

    thanks Jase.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy demon (Revised)dots

    Covered by layers
    of seemingly tranquil emotions,
    never there
    never really gone,
    hides a dreadful darkness,
    something that haunts him;
    a creature that causes him
    great despair.

    The part of his existence
    holding to the distressing events
    that moulded his youth;
    a constant reminder
    that not all is well,
    something is wrong,
    there is some unseen truth.

    Something that wants
    to be known,
    suppressed against its will;
    it fights within him,
    eating away
    at his forlorn being;
    he cannot hide from it.

    Gripped by what seems
    to have no shape nor form,
    he tries to be rid of it
    by a display of faith,
    but try as he may,
    he cannot be freed;
    his only escape to some
    sort of sanity, is death.

    Living with the beast
    is never an easy task;
    there are constant struggles,
    constant failures along his way.
    The only way to have solace
    is to accept the beast,
    be one with it.
    Thus, ignoring their dismay…

    This is my demon
    Sometimes I think
    It is me

    Submitted on 2005-12-27 07:06:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      man i'm sorry but im just writing this so i can post another poem.I really will read the poem when i have time. sorry.ok then I guess it's quite long enough. Well goodbye then.
    | Posted on 2005-12-27 00:00:00 | by hollowpain | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey K ,,

    I dunno what this looked like before jase took part in the re view, but sometimes shorter lines can lead the reader in a better way, more intune with how you would have read it to them or how you would like the words to be weighted ... so on .. This is not too bad at all. This is quite agood poem about realising those thouights and ideas .. those parts of the self that lies and grows in the shadows .. or in our unconscious.

    I don't really like lines that end in words like 'but', 'of' ..etc .. and I think that you could either move the lines around a little to put the words you want pressure on at the end or in some cases simply strike out the word ..

    for instance :

    Covered by layers of
    seemingly tranquil emotions,
    never there but
    never really gone,
    hides a dreadful darkness,
    something that haunts him;
    a creature that causes him
    great despair.

    could be done like this :

    Covered by layers
    of seemingly
    tranquil emotions,
    never there,
    never really gone,
    hides a dreadful darkness,
    something that haunts;
    a creature that causes
    great despair.

    i don't think him here has any value although it is not at all necessary to take that out . I think it would make this poem flow that much better if yo uwent through it and made sure that you do not end your lines on connecting words ..on a rare occation you can do this and get away weith it .,.I just cant see any of those rare occations here ..

    in your last stanza ..

    This is my demon
    Sometimes I think
    the demon is me

    dunno about repeating demon here .you already said demon in the title .. so it seems rather obvious and unecesary .. it seems a bit regurgitating actually .. might only need to say :

    This is my demon
    Sometimes I think
    he is me

    hopes this helps somewhat

    che ..

    | Posted on 2005-12-27 00:00:00 | by x-ianhoyskolt | [ Reply to This ]

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