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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Sweet Child Soliloquydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 215
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 657
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1645



    Description:
       It began as a religious piece and became analytical.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Sweet Child Soliloquydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I. The nonSong of unLove

    I have loved you-not at all
    I will love you-not again
    I caress your emptiness
    with nothing more
    and nothing less.

    I had hoped-but that is gone
    I once thought-I've no idea
    I will lay down next to death
    with nothing more
    and nothing less.


    II. A Marriage of Heaven and Hell

    He was born.
    He lived awhile.
    He died.
    Amen...

    I slipped away
    from the pulsing
    heart of fame some
    time ago, but
    the terror still
    remains quite eloquent;
    cruel as any demon's
    accolades, permafrosted
    as a soothing smile
    may.

    My hope is heaven
    is a far more
    patient place
    more forgiving more
    deserving of our
    grace.

    Give me a bottle's
    avatar, a handful of
    the heavenlies,
    as doctors dance
    around my
    throne aghast
    at third world
    parodies;
    and if her spell
    is cast among
    enchantment's
    charming vanities,
    I'll whisper in another
    tongue and shudder
    for her sanity.

    Psyche. Soma.
    Self collide,
    to whom had
    we petitioned?
    And which of
    us must die?

    This is not my
    avatar, these
    wayward beams
    of celestial light
    are just eyes in
    their sockets
    dancing, to
    the timbrel of
    the cool moonlight.







    Submitted on 2005-12-27 08:37:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I. The nonSong of unLove <don’t really get it

    I have loved you-not at all
    I will love you-not again
    I caress your emptiness
    with nothing more
    and nothing less. < not really enjoyed life, going to die wont miss it

    I had hoped-but that is gone <expected something from life
    I once thought-I've no idea <what ever you though about life, etc. It doesn’t matter
    I will lay down next to death
    with nothing more
    and nothing less.

    [ these stanza above, I really not sure I get them. Very difficult to follow. I think with one additional line above each of them, mentioning what the rest refers to would really help. I like the stanzas, I just want to know for sure what they describe. ]


    II. A Marriage of Heaven and Hell

    He was born.
    He lived awhile.
    He died.
    Amen... < this stanza I found a little dry, but that is I guess the point of it. And I see its importance to the rest.

    I slipped away
    from the pulsing
    heart of fame some
    time ago, but
    the terror still
    remains quite eloquent; <presumably you describe having died here but still fearing the unknown fait
    cruel as any demon's
    accolades, permafrosted
    as a soothing smile
    may. < the contradiction of permafrost and soothing doesn’t seem to work. Soothing I associate with warmth. I think here you are saying that your fait is not looking good.

    My hope is heaven
    is a far more
    patient place
    more forgiving more
    deserving of our
    grace. < I like this, you say grace, nice way of challenging our sins as being the graze of personalities, and human nature. If I understand you right.

    Give me a bottle's
    avatar, a handful of
    the heavenlies, < before you die you want to get drunk and a handful of fags, or drugs?
    as doctors dance
    around my
    throne aghast
    at third world
    parodies; < Doctors dance around your hospital bed trying to keep you alive?
    and if her spell < who is her… Death? Possible the begging of a new stanza here?
    is cast among
    enchantment's
    charming vanities,
    I'll whisper in another
    tongue and shudder
    for her sanity. < as you die you will say your last words, not sure what you mean by another tongue. ‘for her sanity… does this refer to a dramatic death with last words, etc. cowboy death like the movies?

    Psyche. Soma. < soma I had to look that word up! Lol. Nerve endings, like what is means.
    Self collide,
    to whom had
    we petitioned? < didn’t ask to die?
    And which of
    us must die? < which of who… is this referring to spiritual self (psyche) and physical being (soma)

    This is not my
    avatar, these
    wayward beams
    of celestial light
    are just eyes in
    their sockets
    dancing, to
    the timbrel of <is this meant to be tremble?
    the cool moonlight. < moonlight, as in night, as in end of you days, as in dead?

    Righty then… lol. This is a flowing piece that is stopped by the fact I cant see what the subject it, at least I can’t be sure of it. And the fact that I’m not sure what each stanza is describing. If it is talking about what I think it is, I like what is being said. I like the subject and I like the choice of words and metaphors. It is just a hell of a job to read and comprehend.

    I would like to offer suggestions but without being sure of what it is you are saying I can’t. I hope though that by detailing what I perceived to be the meaning, it will help you.

    Look forward to seeing a modification of this…

    Do let me know if I have understood what you are saying here.
    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by PaulHudson | [ Reply to This ]
      I could spend hours looking at this, to come to some conclusion... and i will, because i think i get it... and if i do, its great!
    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by PaulHudson | [ Reply to This ]
      I've read this a couple times and I'm still trying to puzzle out what it means or does for me. The lineation of the piece throws me. I can see why some lines were left as they are... to give impact to what they say... some really strong lines... but it leaves some really weak ones as well... almost too weak, like "and which of". Also, the line breaks make the poem feel very hesitent to me when I read it. broken... I don't know if this tells you anything, but those are my thoughts like you asked. Maybe my reading and commenting will get someone else to open up and respond as well.
    | Posted on 2006-01-03 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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