Description: i really just want an honest opinion about this poem. i wrote it to take on different aspects of things i've seen, plus to compare contrasting elements.
and to scream our goodbyes
turned to stone, turned to ice
endless pits, that's your eyes
when the wind cuts the skies
and i'll twist, twist your words
like the vines from the trees
cold and dark, warm and light
make me dead like the leaves
in your heart, empty heart
occupy vacancy
love me how, love me when
or to drown in deceit
This is nicely done. I agree about "ur," but it's your call. I like how you begin in medius res (in the middle) with "and;" that makes this more interesting. I like your use of repetition too ("turned to stone, turned to ice," "in ur heart, empty heart," "cold and dark, warm and light," and "occupy vacancy"). The nature imagery is good; It's nice that you used weather and plants because they're different facets of nature (That sounded dumb, but you know what I mean). I have a bit of trouble with "endless pits, that's ur eyes." I think "thise are" would be more correct. Good job, amy
I agree about the use of "ur". I think it is out of place in this poem. I liked the rhyming at the beginning, but feel the poem lost focus after "dead like trees".
First off- welcome to the site- I think that you have a lot of depth in here, you could take it apart & find a lot of meaning in it.
The only part about this that I did not like was the end- All if it was a quick pace & had a nice flow then just stopped & any sense that it had made to me seemed to end. But it did begin, in what seemed, the middle of something. So it is all a matter of opinion, do as you like with it, but that is the only thing that I would like to see different.
One other thing that I will be nitpicky about is the use of 'ur'. I really dont like the look of it - but again people dont like the way I use the '&' sign. So it is just a matter of what you want. Like anything anyone says, in the end, it is your poem & I encourage you only to use these comments as you see fit.
Overall- I enjoyed it very much. I really like the way that you used the form, very creative. The meaning seems to be close to you & it doesnt really give the reader a whole lot of background but I like the vague way that it is written. The picture you have really seems to set the scene-
'and i'll twist, twist ur words like the vines from the trees cold and dark, warm and light make me dead like the leaves in ur heart'
Whatever it is that you are talking about seems to be a dark subject. That is something you will never cease to find- something wrong in life.
I think that you wrote this well, I enjoyed reading it & I hope to see more from you soon. take care & Happy New Years ~jennifer
Submission Name: silhouette
