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What Makes Him Great


Author: MystMaker
Elite Ratio:    6.35 - 120 /75 /24
Words: 156
Class/Type: Prose /Nostalgia
Total Views: 1250
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 863



Description:


okay, this one just a little thing I whipped up. Its pretty much unedited but this one farmer I saw made an amazing difference to me.

How cheesy of me to say but a smile can be a powerful thing.


What Makes Him Great



You knew he was poor, and alas so did he. He was older, wrinkles lining his eyes and chin, enclosing his mouth. But poverty did not suck away at his happiness like it does so many others.

Roughly patched overalls adorned his body, his sweaty hands resting causally on the tractor wheel. His body bounced a little as the little machine worked away at the dirt road.

What astonishes me the most is how he saw the world. His soft green eyes did not glisten, but peered out through bushy brows, taking in how beautiful the world is.

Like the Vinegar Taster who tasted the brew sweet, everything seemed right in his perfect, soft eyes.

I only glimpsed him, for but a moment. But it was then I knew that the one most admirable thing a person can do when the tempest is strongest,

is smile.




Submitted on 2005-12-28 00:28:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  You change tenses here, from you to I (as who viewed the man). just as note.

ok, now for real details.

You knew he was poor, and alas so did he. He was older, wrinkles lining his eyes and chin, enclosing his mouth. But poverty did not suck away at his happiness like it does so many others.

so he knows he's poor. but why alas? isn't the point of the poem he doesn't mind? he accepts and loves teh world for all of it's troubles? so does he really need the "alas"?

on the other hand (and i doubt this), if you are being parental and saying you wish he didn't know he was poor, then you are lowering him to a childish level, which defeats the poems point.

Roughly patched overalls adorned his body, his sweaty hands resting causally on the tractor wheel. His body bounced a little as the little machine worked away at the dirt road.

for this stanza, my advice: don't zoom out so fast. tell me about his overalls, in detail. where are the calouses on his hands? is he wearing a shirt under? you seem to zoom out to the overall picture so quickly, when the point of this poem is to zero in on his smile. so try doing this stanza in the reverse, zooming IN not OUT. see what that does . . .


What astonishes me the most is how he saw the world. His soft green eyes did not glisten, but peered out through bushy brows, taking in how beautiful the world is.

dare you to not spell it out. let the reader see it through your description, it'll be mroe powerful than if you just tell "he saw the world beautifully"
Well how do you KNOW? we need to see that too, so paint me his eyes, show the curve in his back from hard seasons, the wife he has at home, who he kisses good night every night and still dances to old records with. show it. don't tell it.

Like the Vinegar Taster who tasted the brew sweet, everything seemed right in his perfect, soft eyes.

this starts to address the previous points. but don't use "everything seemed right" if you can help it. the word everything almost always rings trite. at least in my experience.

the ending i can not critique, i found it strong.



please, i hope i have not offended you. i like the peice and agree with it, i just wanted to give a good thorough critique (which i was only able to do because i thought the peice had substance).

Good write.

-Rob
| Posted on 2005-12-28 00:00:00 | by AptPupilofLife2 | [ Reply to This ]
  I love poems about individuals like this one. From Carl Sandburg to Shawn Mullins, most of my favorite works are about specific people. We don't need names, but we do need th specifics you provided. This isn't some generic farmer; this is one particular human being and you've brought him to us.

I agree with Jase that the tesne should be consistant, but I think i might take the opposite route and try present tense all the way through.

Well done!
Steve
| Posted on 2005-12-28 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  From the very start of this prose piece of yours you are in past tense - then in some places you jump to present tense - just something I noticed. I'll go through the places where I think you should keep it consistently past tense. And a few other things like a typo and punctuation. Of course, these are just suggestions - so it's up to you whether you like them or not.

You knew he was poor, and alas(,) so did he. He was older, wrinkles lin(ed) his eyes and chin, enclos(ed) his mouth. But poverty did not suck away at his happiness(,) like it (did) so many others.

Roughly patched overalls adorned his body, his sweaty hands rest(ed) (casually) on the tractor wheel. His body bounced a little as the little machine worked away at the dirt road.

What astonishe(d) me the most (was) how he saw the world. His soft green eyes did not glisten, but peered out through bushy brows, taking in how beautiful the world (was).

Like the Vinegar(-)Taster who tasted the brew sweet, everything seemed right in his perfect, soft eyes.

I only glimpsed him, for but a moment. But it was then (that) I knew(,) the one most admirable thing a person can do when the tempest is strongest,

is smile.

The overall message is a good one - I don't think it's cheesy at all - it's a warm and optimistic attitude to have that I wish more people had.

I think this little anecdote of yours fit perfectly as a framework for this thought/experience that you had. Nice to see and read thanks.

Hope this helped.
Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2005-12-28 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


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