citizen PAIN by Malcolm Bishop

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Submission Name: citizen PAIN dots

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Author:	Malcolm Bishop
Elite Ratio:	2.09 - 355/189/39
Words:	133

Class/Type:	Misc/Passion
Total Views:	1324
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	840

Description:

citizen PAIN dots

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Contorted soul exists within its' frame,
writhes in acidic discomfort, shame.
Blood made thin from bottled escape,
salt slides down cheek, tasted on the tongue,
within this hive of life, all is pain, all is stung.

A love lost could never be if never had,
happiness but a wisp broken by blue hued sad.
Frailty of heart begets frailty of mind,
languid visions of despairing silhouettes
reach outward, hoping to remember, begging to forget.

At the center of this spacious cube of life exists one,
neck cranes for another, life is over, now... begun.
The tones of all that is soaked in salt begin to change,
a pool of still, clear, motionless water struck by a drop,
red and brilliant, it spreads, a new start, a new stop.

Submitted on 2005-12-28 21:05:42 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  A love lost could never be if never had,
happiness but a wisp broken by blue hued sad.
Frailty of heart begets frailty of mind,
languid visions of despairing silhouettes
reach outward, hoping to remember, begging to forget.

i love "blue hued sad." great line. this was my favorite
verse in this painful write.. it just oozes pain
and despair from love lost. this is very well written
and poignant, it touches and breaks my heart.

peace,
~Cat
| Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  i like the way you wrote this and the words you chose. i also like how you write something instead of choosing the oubvious word such as salt in:
salt slides down cheek, tasted on the tongue
i love the way it started and the way it ended.
it has alot of neat parts to it as well which are enjoyable like:
At the center of this spacious cube of life exists one
so ya thankyou
char
| Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by ohgpanic | [ Reply to This ]
  Very good. I've read it several times, and each time it speaks to me. Sad, lonely, empty, lost. You've written these emotions in a most poetic and provoking way.
When compared to a great classical poet (Blake) you know you're on the right track
The subtle mention of trying to drink away your sorrows.. wanting to remember.. wanting to forget.
The last part I really saw after reading it over a few times...The stop and start of relationships. Just when you think/feel life is over you "meet" a certain someone.. and just when things are going well.. it stops, again.

Great writing, Malcolm.

~Sandra
| Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
  yeah...you have some really abstract lines there...
my favourite line was
"within this hive of life, all is pain, all is stung"
though this line...."A love lost could never be if never had"...you could compare it with Blake's 'Never seek to tell thy love"
...says somethin about unrequited love being as good as love that is never told...i guess you meant almost the same thing..
although a good write...
-Devrath
| Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by Devrath | [ Reply to This ]
  i really liked ur poem... and i agree with the person before me that maybe its the way its written... but it is really good... i kinda get the point ur tryin to put across...and i like it
| Posted on 2005-12-29 00:00:00 | by submarine | [ Reply to This ]
  I don't know what it is about this poem, i think it's the way it's written or setup. i liked this write a lot, it's like abstract poetry. very nice.
| Posted on 2005-12-28 00:00:00 | by swayingbox | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.