Description: Not sure why I wrote this, I just got the urge to write and the words seemed to flow through the pen I held. Any ideas on a) what I could be talking about because I don't have a clue, its obviously subconscious but my subconscious doesn't want to speak English to me and b) any ideas on how to improve it because I know it lacks structure and the wording could be improved, I just don't know how if I don't know what my subconscious is trying to tell me.
Dwindling flame of a once raging fire,
agonizing wait in the eye of a storm
when the dangerous calm refuses to die.
Shallow lies and broken promises
tearing through defences poorly built.
Open gushing wounds,
not all scars can be seen.
Stealing all meaning from these words
as in final desperation
I kill the light that shows the flaws.
i think this can mean many things and hold many other meanings but i got one on my mind and i think its because it fits into the poem nicely.i like how you used a relationship of a storm with "Shallow lies and broken promises tearing through defences poorly built"...i cant think of anything to improve it exept maybe it could have been longer. other than that...ask me later. i liked it nonethelesss. -dancing
i like this one, short but it gets to the point but if it ws me then it would be a little longer. it was still extermanly good, i loved the way you used your words and the menaing behind it. good write trinity
Hmmmm...sounds like a person who feels no one see their flaws but them and is upset to some degree about that. The outer flaws are easy to see, the inner ones are not. Yeah, the wording is a little off kilter, but I wouldnt change anything that flows from the mind like this. Its a self teaching type of write I am sure the more YOU read it, the more you will learn from it. When it comes to enlightening writes such as this...who gives a damn what "we" think...ya know? Anyway, thanks for sharing and giving us the opportunity to give feedback.
often one doesnt realise that something's wrong and is troubling them... we're all so used to pretending that life is perect... until one fine day you wake up and get slapped in the face by reality. so if ur subconscious is giving you hints... look into it. i like the begining.. but am not the biggest fan of your conclusion.
This was a very interesting write. I love it when the subconcious in us bursts open and holds the pen for a change. When I read it, I felt like there was something you'd once ignored or tried to forget, and now it's trying to conquer your thoughts once again. But then again, I am no psychologist! The others who have commented have all given very enlightening ideas, so perhaps they're closer to the mark! If your subconcious ever has a moment like this again - do make sure you relish it and allow the words to flow. I thought this poem was great. No unecessary lines - the structure is simple, and it's fabulous how each reader is left with different thoughts. Best Wishes NM
for starters, I love your description " its obviously subconscious but my subconscious doesn't want to speak English" I think everyone's had that feeling every once in a while
I really liked this, like really really liked it. But I don't know you so I don't think I'm the one to analyze your words. But it seems to me like someone's showing you something you don't want to see. This is definitely for the favs
Perhaps you had a dream...but don't remember the content...perhaps the residue of that dream reopened a lost love that never came to be...old flames are "hot and burning"...so here you have a "raging fire" that is agonizing and waiting...perhaps a burning lust that never came to its fruition...and, realizing it could never be...you eventually extinguished it, or masked it in your mind...other priorities took over, yet...it was always there. Things like that eventually surface in life...especially if they are never confronted, or there is no closure...I liked the elloquence of these thoughts together...I read it over again a few times...It's short, sweet and to the point. If this type of write happens for you just out of the blue, I'm interested in reading your submissions. Oh, one more thing...I'm thinking that you might add a little more to it...tell us more about that raging fire and the agonizing wait...was it a burning desire...or a twist of fate? LOL! Nice job, Friend! Kimmy
Sounds like the coming of, or realization of something deep inside of you, but either out of fear of change, or loss of self your mind does not allow it to surface, but it struggles to do so. I can dig it.
Submission Name: Flawed
