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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Just a man and a womandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Tinasha
    ASL Info:    20/Female/Oklahoma City
    Elite Ratio:    3.96 - 100/142/41
    Words: 200
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1114
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2204



    Description:
       i don't know, just felt like writing about love...a love that no longer loves


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJust a man and a womandots
    -------------------------------------------


    Weíre just a man and a woman
    sitting in a room
    Donít fall  in love with me

              Loveís never held my hand
              Loveís never said my name
              Loveís never kissed my lips
    Never
    Yet in needle dropping silence
    we hold conversation
    Complete and whole
    through sight and thoughts
    Man and woman
         in a room
    Donít fall  in love
    Desperately pleading to be left alone
    with loneliness
    Already surrendered to its emptiness
    Which fills my heart,
    so as love has no need to reside
    I cannot lie
    Openly acknowledging a love that
         once lived
              but has died
    Strongly refusing to resurrect
                   what once was
                        but now is
    only on your part
    Timing not quite right with the stars
    Just a man and a woman talking
    through the sparkles of their eyes
    A thousand questions asked
    answered only by guesses,
    in search for finding the words to vocalize
    Contradicting feelings inside
    These same feelings now divorced from
    meaning
    A loss of meaning
    combined with reasoning
    reminds me of
    the manís woman
    Now just man and woman
    sitting
    Donít fall

                   I can no longer carry you




    Submitted on 2005-12-29 15:12:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this si reaolly good Tinasha, the word play is clever
    ----so as love has no need to reside
    I cannot lie----I like that----reminds me of me a little-ha-
    this is a steady progression of feelings basically in the end saying dont fall in love....hmmm I can no longer carry you--hmmmm I Am still wondering what you exactly meant by that line--I am working on it and will get backl to you--otherwise really a good one and one of your most intriguing pieces.
    Lt
    | Posted on 2006-08-18 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      A nice piece, Tinasha. Very poignant.

    I found myslef tripping a little over the lack of punctuaion. For the most part the line breaks are enough, but I think a period here and there would really punch this up for your readers.

    The form works well for this piece. I love creative spacing, but most people over-use it. You have found the perfect middle ground. Using it to help bring across the emotion and thought progression without detracting from the piece.

    Nicely written,

    Chell
    | Posted on 2005-12-30 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this peom is beautiful. Your writing style allows each line to bleed into the next unusually smoothly :

    "Desperately pleading to be left alone
    with loneliness
    Already surrendered to its emptiness
    Which fills my heart,
    so as love has no need to reside
    I cannot lie"

    I feel like the simplicity only adds to the effect of the poem. The only thing I felt might be changed would be the lines :

    "These same feelings now divorced from
    meaning
    A loss of meaning
    combined with reasoning"

    Maybe the second usage of "meaning" would be altered, but that's probably not necessary either. I don't have a strong critique of this poem, as there is little I find wrong with it. Very nice work.
    | Posted on 2005-12-29 00:00:00 | by HopesAndDreams | [ Reply to This ]


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