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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Prison Keysdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: L.L.COLLINS
    ASL Info:    25-ORLANDO, FL
    Elite Ratio:    4.6 - 167/144/32
    Words: 236
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 315
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1555



    Description:
       I like this poem but I'm unsure if it represents what I was really trying to say......so in your comments try to let me know what you got from it. Also I'm reeeallllllly unsure about the title so If you have any suggestions plzzz feel free.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPrison Keysdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Give me your keys so we can be free.
    Leap from the clouds to the world beneath.
    Blind fold your eyes so your heart can see.
    Hold your breath so your soul can breathe.
    Let your trappings escape the scene
    challenge the winds on broken wings.
    Unlock these bars lucid but stone
    Encaging the right; enslaving the wrong
    Enslaver with lips still judging me,
    lashings and whippings
    til’ my flesh won’t bleed,
    Dressed in your regret and drenched in your sweat,
    chained and tamed by your un-forgiveness.
    You’re just the reason for the trying dying,
    birds walking south in fear of flying.
    The Hopeful giving up dreading no change,
    the oceans’ flow over with abounding rain.
    Prisoner please give me your keys,
    unlock the bars that caged our dreams.
    Don’t let these walls keep you weak,
    bust and break through the concrete.
    Parade our faces of deviation
    except and understand our situations.
    Quiet the song of indignity,
    teach the fallen victory.
    Be a hero and bravely save the day,
    be a soldier and dauntlessly lead the way.
    Lift these boulders from upon our breast,
    Season your words with encouragement,
    untangle our limbs from the barb wire fence
    Give us back to innocence.
    Prisoner please, you can trust me
    loosen the locks on hands of free.
    Before you’re next to die like me
    prisoner please, give me your keys.




    Submitted on 2005-12-30 03:11:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      wow great choice of words i think you got the title right for sure keep up the good work

    Timmy S. Edgar
    | Posted on 2008-10-07 00:00:00 | by Timmy S. Edgar | [ Reply to This ]
      Everyone can relate to this poem, trapped within something and trying to free yourself by awkward ways "hold your breath so your soul can breathe". Who hasn't done a thing like that? I must say, I applaud thee, I get an image from this. I see a girl chained in a cell with heavy chains holding her wrists above her head. She's wearing a tattered white dress and the room is dark. A small beam of the blessed sun is filtered into the dank confinements. She is talking to [insert yourself here] and giving comfort to [you] as [you] whimper in fear. Kudo mi amore!
    | Posted on 2008-10-02 00:00:00 | by jasonsanctuary | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem touches a part of me, there is no feeling like the one of being confined or imprisoned I can relate to those feelings as I am sure a few people can. you expressed yours very well in this piece . keep it up. I enjoyed reading your work.
    | Posted on 2006-12-02 00:00:00 | by LadyMustang | [ Reply to This ]
      This one is how i feel sometimes. What I took from it at least. I feel like a prisoner of my own mind sometimes. I wish someone would end my sentence. I feel trapped by how my mind tortures me. Do you? Im not crazy...(Well maybe a little) but I just can't escape what my mind is torturing me with these days. Isn't it crazy how we can't escape our own minds when it is the only thing we need to do to truly be free?! I really connected with this, hopefully someone has the key(s) to my mind, so i won't always be trapped inside...You just can't escape the alkatraz that is inside your head...~Ashley~
    | Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by redeemer | [ Reply to This ]
      i know this piece was posted a while ago, but i'm new here and was going bac on the stuff i missed. just wanted to say i think this poem speaks to many people. we all want to be free, but always feel tied to someone or something. the flow was nice and i enjoyed reading it a lot,nice work.
    whirl**
    | Posted on 2006-08-13 00:00:00 | by whirl | [ Reply to This ]
      To me this sounds like all you want is to be free. Free to do as you feel. You feel confined as though imprisoned.

    I often say that I feel like a bird in a cage that is unable to fly. I'm put in the cage just so others can stare and listen to me sing. They don't understand that my true beauty comes when I am able to fly.

    This was very good! The rhythm was on point...and I think that the title is great!

    Much love!

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2006-01-03 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      Still trying to think about this.

    I don't have anything technical to give, so I guess I'll go with an interpretation - my interpretation to be specific.

    Reading the title, Prison Keys, I knew right away that this poem was going to have a freedom theme, and I also had an idea about how this freedom theme was going to be presented. With that in mind, I came into this with judgements that would stick out in my mind through the first reading.

    This, of course, means that I had to read it a second time, casting away these judgements and expectations.

    Yes, it was about freedom, but it was about freedom in a way I was not expecting. Rather than being viewed from a prisoner's perspective, I interpreted it as a view from an outsiders perspective. It was about trying to free the enslaved. It was about motivation and sympathy. Unlike most freedom themes where the idea is to appeal and beg for empathy, in this poem, empathy has already been found and the prisoner needs to accept it.

    That's what I thought.

    As for the poem itself, other than the excellent images and honest statements, I feel you fel short in terms of rhythm. I think it's because there are too many stops and pauses. The phrases are short and stunted, and although they are all powerful in their own right, the transitions are rough and I found it difficult to keep with a flow. This is something I can't offer up any direct advice on, but I think if you played around with the structure more you could find something better suited for this piece.

    Other than that, great poem.
    | Posted on 2005-12-31 00:00:00 | by Eggman | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an incredible write
    I really enjoyed reading this
    You captured your theme exceptionally well
    I took this write as meaning there are many boundaries in front of us that prevent us from moving forward in life
    Some of them have even been created by our own minds
    I really liked this one
    Great Write
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-12-30 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! You have some great lines in here as previously stated. I think the poem is awesome yet there is one thing that intrigues me. The prison theme is great but the two of you are imprisoned together, right? Maybe I just need you to explain the last two lines about "dying like you". Other than that, I got the message and you hit the nail on the head!

    xXx
    | Posted on 2005-12-30 00:00:00 | by xtremegentleman | [ Reply to This ]
      dude I have to ask what Dev. did...ru sure you weren't high when this came into creation?! This was [censored] amazing and definatly had meaning to just about any kind of person who could have read it. You had extremely intense wording on most lines on soo many levels but for some reason "hold your breath so your soul can breathe" really struck out to me. This was amazing and for some reason chilling...the imagry was slightly disturbing and forced onto the reader which makes for an amazing read when done as good as this. There was a sense of panic and fear that doned throughtout but struck hardest near the end. this was an amazing write double L. keep writing and know this is surely a favorite! .
    ~silent
    peace
    | Posted on 2005-12-30 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Whow!!
    flawless use of your mind...were you high while you were writing this?
    anyways i can't suggest any improvement since you've almost got it perfect...

    "Blind fold your eyes so your heart can see.
    Hold your breath so your soul can breathe."

    Strong, HARD-hitting lines...yeah we DO need to shut our eyes and see what the world actually is!
    like Blake said-

    "when the doors of perceptions are cleansed, every thing will seem to man as it is, infinite"

    you could do with 'Fall Prison, Fall'
    though the original title is alright.
    -Devrath
    | Posted on 2005-12-30 00:00:00 | by Devrath | [ Reply to This ]
      Be a hero and bravely save the day,
    be a soldier and dauntlessly lead the way.
    Lift these boulders from upon our breast,
    Season your words with encouragement,
    untangle our limbs from the barb wire fence


    These lines are what really struck me. I felt a sense of panic it seemed while reading this, almost wanting the 'prisoner' to do as you're asking, almost wanting to hold my hand out to pull the 'prisoner' to safety. You've packed everything you need into this piece in a nice package. I truly enjoyed this write, as which I"m certainly not surprised at all.

    You've got great talent, I'm glad I found your site!

    Until next time,

    Sorrel
    | Posted on 2005-12-30 00:00:00 | by SorrelsReality | [ Reply to This ]
      powerful and daunting use of english that sucked me in, i have been to aushwice in Poland and the imagery of your poem reminded me of the horror i have seen there and the atrocity of the human nature...this is amazing and i am sure this was talent writing not late night tv and too many movies..thanks for this, have a wonderful new year!
    | Posted on 2005-12-30 00:00:00 | by orpheus | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem reminds me of one of my favourite trilogies. The Black Jewels, by Anne Bishop. Just the way you've captured not only the moment but each individual detail down to emotion and describing it fully. Great write.
    | Posted on 2005-12-30 00:00:00 | by Cat | [ Reply to This ]


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