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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Baghdad Cafedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 147
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 923
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1242



    Description:
       Six revisions later, something different.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBaghdad Cafedots
    -------------------------------------------


    So is this
    the torture you
    intended? This
    blowtorch to
    the balls, this
    rapt intrusion?
    The squeal
    of slaughtered hogs
    caught in a house fire
    boiled to the bone's
    tormented fusion.

    A weeping child's
    anti-catechism,
    the skull below
    the hammer's
    majesty,
    borne upon
    the backs of
    crueler kingdoms,
    hymnals of a
    lesser pedigree.

    Is this the grand
    mal seizure of
    the senses?
    Recompensed in
    nightmares, impaled
    in dreams.
    I thought I knew
    the souls of
    sad enchanters
    slick non sequiturs
    in narrow streets.

    I saw a hollow
    child, nude and
    filthy, staring down
    the magi's withering
    greed, with a beggars
    dance and death descending
    clattering a cup
    in simmering need.

    An end that
    seemed unblessed
    as its beginning,
    visionary madness
    stood aloof;
    whispering 'There's
    crimson death
    in heaven.' As they
    felt a world's
    divine reproof.




    Submitted on 2005-12-31 01:08:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Thoughts.... wow?!?

    This is the secind piece I've read from you, and I think I need to make visiting your page a habit.

    I enjoyed the explosion of brutal thought this piece contained, but only barely. It felt to me that the speaker has finally had enough, and while screaming "Is this the best you got?" while beating fists against the sky, he is still ennumerating within the horrors that have been lived through.

    Very emotive, very raw, very good.

    Take CAre!

    Chell
    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      A very provocative piece, that intricately paints the scene of war tone nations through out the world. Your graphic descriptions vividly capture the vehemently painful realities of many innocent being caught in the mix of greed and world domination idealogies...A very powerful write...It read like a movie...Thank u for sharing..Nobantu
    | Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by Nobantu | [ Reply to This ]
      This is simply stunning. I am at loss for words, certainly anything that would constitute some worthy of the label "critique". I think the abrupt presentation of the short lines worked so well, -as if the words were being choked out.-like one does when overcome with emotion.Yet each short line is steeped in feeling, and the connected to all the others in a solid unrelenting fabric that defies misinterpretation.

    This section grabbed my heart , almost like a separate sad an poignant song. The image echoes like soulfulrefrain, throught the remainder of the poem, and evenlong after I have left this page.

    "I saw a hollow
    child, nude and
    filthy, staring down
    the magi's withering
    greed, with a beggars
    dance and death descending
    clattering a cup
    in simmering need."


    Your word choices are faultless, succinct, and they work to weave a startlinlgy graphic, sombre, heart-wrenching story, and yet there is beauty there too, in the almost palpable sorrow and compassion, -like the excruciating beauty of a fugue, the melancholy of this counterpoint touches the soul. A superb poem that I will stash in my treasure trove. Thank you
    Sally
    | Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      reminds me of this poem i wrote a lifetime ago called Concentration Camp. why is war so fascinatingly deserving of virtual reams of poetry, i wonder? what's this voyeur doing lurking inside of us?
    | Posted on 2006-01-20 00:00:00 | by ruejacobs | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Anyone who can write these words is a real poet and a compassionate
    one.
    "I saw a hollow
    child, nude and
    filthy, staring down
    the magi's withering
    greed, with a beggars
    dance and death descending
    clattering a cup
    in simmering need."
    the force with which these words slammed into me has left me breathless…the sheer craftsmanship of the writing makes me full of admiration …and the message…
    You have struck home with the message. judging from some of the other reviews this is going to be read hundreds of soldiers
    you ask
    "Is this the grand
    mal seizure of
    the senses?"

    YES
    | Posted on 2006-01-03 00:00:00 | by ertha | [ Reply to This ]
      Normally such broken up short lines don't work for me (although they used to be all I wrote), but in this poem, it's what makes it great. The content is wonderful, and your language is deliberate, delivering the cynical, worn feel the poem needs. But if you used those same stanzas and drew them out into longer lines you wouldn't get that jerky, stop and go feeling. This poem needs that. It lends a feeling of uncertainty and dread to the stanzas which really rounds this peice off. Good work here.
    | Posted on 2006-01-03 00:00:00 | by Clarkie | [ Reply to This ]
      Bill,

    I'm sure I'll have more to say on this one later and I'll PM that to you. For now let me just make a few points:

    The greatest book ever written on war was penned by a man never in one. Stephen Crane's "Red Badge Of Courage". I don't know if you have been or not, but you captured something absolutly primal and native to the one we're floundering in now and for that I salute you. And not the insincear kind I gave the officers either! (lol)

    Secondly, I'm e-mailing this to several friends I was in the army with. They need to see this one.

    With great admeration,

    Jason
    | Posted on 2005-12-31 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow...this holds quite powerful imagery. The most compelling lines, in my opinion, were:

    "I saw a hollow
    child, nude and
    filthy, staring down
    the magi's withering
    greed, with a beggars
    dance and death descending
    clattering a cup
    in simmering need."

    I feel like the image that appears when I read this is the very image that I've seen all over the news, in documentaries, in magazines - those haunting photographs of children caught in poverty-stricken battle zones.


    "An end that
    seemed unblessed
    as its beginning,
    visionary madness
    stood aloof;
    whispering 'There's
    crimson death
    in heaven.' As they
    felt a world's
    divine reproof."

    I don't know if it was your intention, but the second I read it my mind clicked to the war in Iraq...well, I'm sure a lot of people will feel that way as well. However, this is a poem that could be applied to all examples of human suffering. You've done an amazing job.
    | Posted on 2005-12-31 00:00:00 | by HopesAndDreams | [ Reply to This ]
      What can I say, this is staggering work and represents the release from reality we all find as things become horrible.
    I'm reminded of slave beatings and how the victim is released into not feeling the pain The deliverance is real, and though i don't believe we need to play the role of martyrs, there are certainly some who are destined to do so.

    and how we can actually cause physical or mental suffering to each other is beyond my understanding.

    Great write, Bill, one of your best.

    Nan
    | Posted on 2006-01-10 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      ...the incongruity of the la la la rhythm and rhyming scheme with the fragmented construction, makes this - incongruous.
    as it should be...
    others have commented quite rightly on the impact of short lines, some of which are complete whilst others are cut short, amputated almost, to meet the requirements of the final solution.
    i concur that this is a useful tool to unsettle and with which to add atmosphere.
    what i am most struck with is the language: it is heartfelt and so it isn't trite, like so many expressions of emotions-like-these can be. i enjoy reading well considered and thoughtfully composed work; whatever the theme - especially if the writer is only just able to keep themselves in check...
    nice one.
    later,
    k
    | Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]


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