Love In Rhyme by corruptedspirit

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Submission Name: Love In Rhyme dots

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Author:	corruptedspirit
ASL Info:	26/Male/England (Swindon
Elite Ratio:	5.38 - 160/185/56
Words:	105

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	216
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	738

Description:
With a little help from DeepDreamer, i think i got somewhere with this piece, however any more input would be great. Thanks DeepDreamer....

Love In Rhyme dots

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The look of love is over-rated,
I love you is too commonly stated,
In the end it will drive you demented,
Love isn't easy, it should be fermented.

Grow together through interaction,
Not just for sexual satisfaction,
Nor to belong to the boyfriend faction,
But to help each other in every action.

Together you should inspire,
Fill each other with desire,
Endure the heat of passions fire,
Enjoy it as you both perspire,

Be open to negotiation,
Never offer retaliation,
Figure out your destination,
Then start a new population..

Together you can make it,
As long as you never fake it.

Submitted on 2006-01-01 08:33:09 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I absolutely agree with your poem. Too many times in today's world Love doesn't seem to be enough. I wonder if maybe the problem is that while it's there at the beginning it's not being "fermented". love as wine gets better with time. compromise and communication "Together you can make it" exactly it won't work out one sided. I loved your poem, it's exactness of a long lasting love..
| Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by rosered | [ Reply to This ]
  I have to agree with you, Danny. Love is way overrated and taken for granted. People 'fall' too easily for one another. Faking that you love someone is flat out stupid, maybe they just want someone to wipe their tears away... No matter what, if the person isn't really your one and only love, there isn't a point to being with them. Sure, the search is all in good fun and you learn from it, but you can't give yourself away. Stand completely still and let them come to you. Sincerely, if you sense anything's off, tell them. Be 100% true.

I can't see any problems with this, I'm guessing you edited it. Lol, I dunno.

LONG TIME NO TALK!:P

Happy New Year

Sammy
| Posted on 2006-01-01 00:00:00 | by Raven_TheWolf | [ Reply to This ]
  lol. Now this one made me laugh. I hope you didn't post this for my sake. lol.

Here I will take the time to say I am proud such words are spoken here on Elite.

This piece does need a little work although I'm not sure how much I can help. Starting with stanza one, line two, it should be "too" with double 'o'. Lines three and four are off-beat. I'm not so great with editing rhythm while keeping meaning, but take a look at this:

"In the end it will drive you demented,
Love isn't easy, it should be fermented."

Stanzas two and three are perfect. Stanza four, lines three and four, I suggest a few minor changes for the sake of rhythm:

"Figure out your destination,
Then start a new population."

This really was an inspiring piece. I respect this theme, cause you're absolutely right: love is overrated. I mean, it's become so much of an everyday laugh that today it is, quite unfortunately, sickening. If you've got the time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my poem 'A Letter to my Dearest Love'. It may interest you.

Thanks for listening,

DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2006-01-01 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]

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