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    dots Submission Name: Untitled Song IIdots

    Author: BrokenAngel
    ASL Info:    21/F/MI
    Elite Ratio:    3.93 - 179/157/47
    Words: 169
    Class/Type: Lyrics/
    Total Views: 884
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1082


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    dotsUntitled Song IIdots

    I smiled in my sleep the other night,
    The first time in so many years.
    For too long I've cried myself to sleep
    And dreamed of my fears.

    Can you see the broken soul I am?
    Can you see how I feel inside?
    Can you tell me how I belong?
    Will you save me?

    In the reality I'm living in
    I can't see you here.
    I've never wanted to be loved,
    I've never really cared.

    I'm a broken soul,
    And I won't let you see
    That I don't belong,
    So you won't save me.

    Living in-between two worlds
    Of this and fantasy,
    Soon, I know I'll have to choose
    But I know what my choice will be.

    Can you see my broken soul?
    Can you finally see,
    That I refuse to belong
    And you can't save me.

    Cutting at the fragile veins of life
    I lose myself in blood.
    Loving the feel of dripping pain
    I chose my world, and now I'm free.

    Submitted on 2006-01-01 21:23:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Woah. Wicked. Totally great feeling there.

    I'm really sorry to be a [censored], but you had a few spelling errors that I could not overlook. Frist should be first, and I don't know what fagile means. Fragile might work nicely ^_^

    Other than that, it was a good write, and a nice way to end the 2 AM hour. I'm obsessively waiting for my lesbian lover to come online, and this helped pass the time quite nicely. Excellent work Raven.

    ~Queen Vanessa~
    | Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by Zabriel | [ Reply to This ]
      It seems to me almost like a very twisted love story. Almost like the poem itself is actually a letter left to a once loved one. The first stanza works almost as a mood setter, giving the reader a false sense of security before diving into the darkness that is the rest of this poem/song. I like your use of repetition and emphasis to help the reader along, it indeed enhances the quality of it.
    | Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by ParanoidParadox | [ Reply to This ]
      I see what you mean. Most of my works are not all superfluous that. I was going more for beauty of the words. I like the way you don't try to throw them about though. It's a poem a lot of people can see themselves in. For I know I've been there more than once.

    ~I'm like white ink on white paper.~
    | Posted on 2006-01-01 00:00:00 | by White_Ink | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoy reading this piece, overall there has to be a good editing to it. I like the way you wrote it, and planned it as a song. There are some word choice errors. Please look over the entire poem and make that change. A good piece. But there has to be some emotions to it. Simple, but vividly to the point of your message. thank you.
    | Posted on 2006-01-01 00:00:00 | by Njud_Gold | [ Reply to This ]

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