~Disappear~ by _NowOrNever

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: ~Disappear~ dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	_NowOrNever_
ASL Info:	16/Female/Michigan
Elite Ratio:	4.13 - 65/90/45
Words:	155

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	209
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1083

Description:
This isn't about me. This is about someone whom I know extremely well. They wake every night thinking they heard someone yell.....and stuff like that. And he had to hide all the time....and was insulted all the time. Called worthless and a nobody. He was 4 or 5!! He hasn't told me his whole story....but we he has forever to tell me. So i hope....(and if you haven't figured who it's about....then ur retarded, lol jkjk)

And i wrote this in like 2 minutes tops, so i already know that it sucks! ....and i'm kinda trying not to use the rhyming scheme too much. It's more of a freewrite too. It doesn't have a speific beat....unless you mold it to a certain beat.....that's just the way I am.

~Disappear~ dots

-------------------------------------------

A Perfect Life.
With love and no judgments.
With care and no hate.

A perfect world,
where love is weaved.
where love is conceived.

To feel actually happiness.
Where there is no fear,
Where there is no bloodshed from tears…

A place that should be called heaven,
It’s really a paradise on Earth…

Just disappear….
From the face of the earth,
disappears…
and just dies,
To feel true pain.

The Perfect Life only exists in fake thoughts.
Only my imaginative scheme…
It’s more like A Perfect Lie.

I feel scared and alone,
with my past weaving into my dreams,
Wake every night,
to only remember,
what I don’t want to remember.
The yelling and words that I truly believe,
These has consumed me,
and they never let me be.

Just want to disappear,
from the face of the earth,
It’s like dying,
To feel true pain..
…my pain…

Submitted on 2006-01-02 03:05:14 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
This is interesting... Certain lines really got to me...like:

"The Perfect Life only exists in fake thoughts.
Only my imaginative scheme…
It’s more like A Perfect Lie."

My interpretation of the poem, i will take it stanza by stanza and then make an overall assessment of it.

Let me start with the title...It is interesting...There is so much meaning behind it but then i can also look at it as something that you picked up from the poem to give it a name.

The first stanza is based upon a perfect life where there is nothing bad in this world...where there is happiness and no sorrows and you state two ideas here...love and care and the antithesis of it.

I don't understand why you went to the next stanza. Your idea is incomplete in the first stanza and here you are jumping to the next one stating the same idea. The third stanza also states the same idea. You didn't complete it and yet you're jumping from stanza to stanza to give it a style yet overall, i am seeing that you are not following any sort of pattern. So obviously, i see that you haven't looked at any format and just wrote it without thinking but just feeling.

I think the fifth stanza, you have to elaborate or shorten it with true meaning especially the part where you want to feel true pain. The world is filled with true pain and we are aiming towards peace...why would you want to feel true pain? Elaborate on that or symbolize something different.

My favorite stanza is next. I don't have any objection towards it. You said everything you needed to say. It's simple and symbolic and understanding with meaning behind it. there is no such thing as a perfect life yet there is something known as a perfect lie. And i love the part where a perfect life only exist in the scheme of our imagination.

The next one for the first time in the piece describes an event...the event that you wrote in the description. Sounds like a nightmare a person is having and somehow, he cannot wake up from it or when he does, all these images and sounds do not fade away.

The last stanza made me think that you want to go to paradise. Although we are living, the only conclusion out of it is that we are dying. I don't think the "To feel true pain...My pain" Pain is on earth as you descibed earlier...so if you want to feel true pain, therefore you cannot wish to disappear because if you do, then you will no longer feel the pain but here it says you do. So it leaves the ending pretty clueless because above you are saying one thing and the ending...the same interpretation is different.

Anyhow, Although i liked reading it, i did find the meaning behind it very puzzling...especially your main idea...about pain. The format is also very puzzling. It seemed you meant to have a format but then forgot all about it because you just wanted to write it on paper and get it over with. Poetry is not something you can write in two minutes and expect not to find any flaws in it.

Hope this comment was helpful and all the best,

Take care...
Irina
| Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
The background you gave regarding the poem only made it more affecting. The beginning seems to be, from my point of view, wishing for a Eutopian world...but you suddenly state that you want to

"Just disappear….
From the face of the earth,
disappears…
and just dies,
I want to feel true pain."

I don't feel that it interferes with the poem at all, it's simply a bit surprising at first.

There are a few technical areas that I would change:

"To feel actually happiness.
Where there is no fear,
Where there is no bloodshed from tears…"

altered to

"To feel true happiness
where there is no fear,
and no bloodshed from tears.."

and

"I feel scared and alone,
with my past weaving into my dreams,
Wake every night,
to only remember,
what I don’t want to remember.
The yelling and words that I truly believe,
These has consumed me,
and they never let me be."

to

"I feel scared and alone...
my past weaving into my dreams,
I awake each night
only to recall
what I don't want to remember.
The yelling and the words
that I truly believe,
These have consumed me
and never let me be."

Of course, you can certainly ignore my proposed changes - I don't wish to rewrite your poem.
| Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by HopesAndDreams | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.