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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Greedy Tearsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Oracle
    ASL Info:    24/ F /NY
    Elite Ratio:    4.63 - 423/313/46
    Words: 51
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 685
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 317



    Description:
       about my Grandmother


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGreedy Tearsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Stealing silent moments to weep greedy tears
    Quietly ranting because you are no longer here

    I begrudge those whom enjoyed you for so much longer than me
    But then I realize that I was blessed above them all…

    Because I alone carry your name
    Blessing be unto me




    Submitted on 2006-01-02 13:08:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      it reads longer this way...the lines...

    more of a flow like tears flowing, rather than short and choppy...only change is "who" rather than "whom"

    but this is really good in its brevity and impact...

    like the ending.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-05-09 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I disagree with sierramuse8 on this one...I think this was perfect the way you penned it...

    needs no revisions...

    Tina
    EGB
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by ThaCrib | [ Reply to This ]
      I must be on a reading out loud kick but I think you should read it out loud and make your line breaks accordingly:

    Stealing silent moments
    to weep greedy tears
    ranting because
    you're no longer here

    I begrudge those
    who enjoyed you
    much longer than I
    But then I realize
    I was blessed above them all…

    I carry your name--
    a Blessing to me (or a better blessing)

    that would be my version. I think it's tighter but still says what you were trying to say. it's a lovely tribute to your grandmother. these are just suggestions--feel free to ignore me!!
    | Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]


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