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    dots Submission Name: Greedy Tearsdots

    Author: Oracle
    ASL Info:    24/ F /NY
    Elite Ratio:    4.63 - 423/313/46
    Words: 51
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 725
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 317

       about my Grandmother

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGreedy Tearsdots

    Stealing silent moments to weep greedy tears
    Quietly ranting because you are no longer here

    I begrudge those whom enjoyed you for so much longer than me
    But then I realize that I was blessed above them all…

    Because I alone carry your name
    Blessing be unto me

    Submitted on 2006-01-02 13:08:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      it reads longer this way...the lines...

    more of a flow like tears flowing, rather than short and choppy...only change is "who" rather than "whom"

    but this is really good in its brevity and impact...

    like the ending.

    | Posted on 2011-05-09 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I disagree with sierramuse8 on this one...I think this was perfect the way you penned it...

    needs no revisions...

    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by ThaCrib | [ Reply to This ]
      I must be on a reading out loud kick but I think you should read it out loud and make your line breaks accordingly:

    Stealing silent moments
    to weep greedy tears
    ranting because
    you're no longer here

    I begrudge those
    who enjoyed you
    much longer than I
    But then I realize
    I was blessed above them all…

    I carry your name--
    a Blessing to me (or a better blessing)

    that would be my version. I think it's tighter but still says what you were trying to say. it's a lovely tribute to your grandmother. these are just suggestions--feel free to ignore me!!
    | Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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