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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Odd Weatherdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: VanillaLeaves
    Elite Ratio:    4.1 - 101/110/23
    Words: 197
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 899
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1402



    Description:
       I was walking along the street and saw a pumpkin buried in the remanents of a pile of leaves and kept thinking about it. This would be the result. I'm still working on a better title though.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOdd Weatherdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Insidious, October dropped early snow
    usually allotted to December
    coating the mounds of dried leaves,
    piled like so many books for the burning,
    in the white bindings of an early winter.

    In time, with the thaws
    and the warmed over January precipitation,
    the snow turned silver eel and slipped
    between the chapped lips of the asphalt
    leaving the autumnal load overripe before us.

    What wonders lay
    beneath the ragged pages
    of those decaying fall chronicles?

    As we sifted through the compost
    of faded memories
    abandoned to the street,
    we encountered the savage
    faces of pumpkin warriors,
    smeared with ceremonial paint.
    and twisted in their battle cries.
    They smelled of wet asphalt and decaying Crayola.

    Digging with our fingers,
    we finally found the rake
    lying in the rubber embrace of the garden hose
    both hunkered down in their den
    prepared to wait out the winter months
    enjoying each otherís company.

    Wrenching the lovers apart
    we cleared the leaves
    and watched the trucks
    cart them away amid a fanfare
    of incessant beeping
    and flashing lights.

    Alone, we stood in the empty street
    and wondered at the weather.




    Submitted on 2006-01-02 13:23:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Oddly, this reminds me of this time someone threw a rotten pumpkin on my porch. Really, I'm nice to everyone, so I can't understand why anyone would do that.

    Well, this has a lot of nice images, but I think you either did too many drafts or not enough. I just think this is overwrought in places, and you could weed some of this out and have a greater impact.

    As we sifted through the compost
    of faded memories
    abandoned to the street,
    we encountered the savage
    faces of pumpkin warriors,
    smeared with ceremonial paint.
    and twisted in their battle cries.
    They smelled of wet asphalt and decaying Crayola.

    I think "As we sifted through the compost/ of faded memories" just seems like you're carrying the images of autumnal decay too far. I'm also unsure about the paint on jack-o-lanterns because they're nearly always carved; it seems like you were trying to tie "painted" leaves to the pumpkins. Calling the rake and hose lovers is a bit too much for me too (That reminds me of these pictures my boyfriend took of a toothpaste and toothbrush that appeared to be kissing). I just think those parts are bordering on the contrived.

    Insidious, October dropped early snow
    usually allotted to December
    coating the mounds of dried leaves,
    piled like so many books for the burning,
    in the white bindings of an early winter.

    In time, with the thaws
    and the warmed over January precipitation,
    the snow turned silver eel and slipped
    between the chapped lips of the asphalt
    leaving the autumnal load overripe before us.

    Those are my favorite stanzas. The thought of burning books always makes me cringe (and think of Nazis), so that's an interesting image. Eels kind of creep me out too, so that made that a vivid image. I like it when a poet finds images that ellicit some subconscious response. I think I'd hyphenate warmed over though.

    Good work, Amy
    | Posted on 2006-01-03 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this very much and think it has alot of potential. I do think it needs some cleaning up; a little revising here and there. generally the images are great and your word choices are excellent but it's a mouthful in places. reading it out loud might help to find the way to tighten it up and get it more in shape. it's not bad--don't get me wrong, but it could be tremendously better with a little work. one hint is to get rid of adverbs (ing words) and use strong verbs, which you have for the most part. you got quite alot out of seeing a pumpkin buried in leaves but that's what will make you a great poet!
    | Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well Emily, this seems to be a small turn towards the dark side.

    With your usual clever use of colour you paint a very interesting metaphor, but right from the first word, the mood is dark.

    I actually ended up reading this aloud and in a dull monotone, and it sounded perfect.

    Good to see you spreading your talented wings, another excellent poem.

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]


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