Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

The Flesh Of Yesterday

Author: dmm
ASL Info:    50/M/Minnesota
Elite Ratio:    3.81 - 741 /888 /102
Words: 139
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1553
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 930


The Flesh Of Yesterday

I hear the wicked, honey laden whispers you
scream into my mind,
The words all twisted into origami patterns that
leave one drunk like wine.
Fear not, partake- let the silkened fingers hold
you in their grip.
Taste the drink of creation as you hold the goblet to your lip.
Let the web of the spider wrap you round
like mothers womb,
Seeking satisfaction you stumble headlong
to your tomb.

Awakening you stand dumbfounded your bindings fall away,
Free yet twisted, heartsick for the the flesh
of yesterday.
Unable to join the multitude that dance on sparkling spheres,
The gift of 'Everything' lies unopened, your eyes
blind with tears.
Destined to rebirth once more bound to the
earthly plane,
To seek the wisdom and light that leads you far
from the mundane.

Submitted on 2006-01-02 13:35:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  Your poetry is brilliant and if I were to keep reading your pieces I bet I would have to put alot of them on my fav's list.

This was a very brilliant piece, with very good rhythm and rhyme. Keep up the very, very good work and have a blessed and wonderful day.
| Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
  wow dan, another great poem...

okay since i have nothing real to say i'll just say one thing and leave the nitpicking to everyone else...
suprisingly i see this as not a complex but rather as a simple metaphor - the poem reads very complex the first time through but the second or third it all comes togther rather beautifully... it just works... all the complex lines contain simple meanings and putting it all together, it simply works... nicely done, this is how poetry is supposed to be...

alright thats all i got... PEACE and LOVE, greg
| Posted on 2006-01-18 00:00:00 | by geherald | [ Reply to This ]
  I thought this read very well, but it took a couple of goes through to wean anything from it, for me it seems like to seperate pieces

The first of a person who needs to embrace life and open his eyes rather than live in the past.
Of this I would maybe change lines eight and nine

'Let the spiders web wrap round you
like a mothers womb,'
It seems an overly complicated line as it is.

The second part describes a buddhist monk who has messed up and doomed to reincarnation for another try at enlightenment.

I appreciate I am more than likely way off the mark, but I've not been around too long and aren't know for my grasp of metaphors so please go easy. Cheers.

| Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
  i enjoyed this poem... it had a nice ring to it.. every word seemed to fit very well together... i have nothing really to point out as a negative in this poem... not very rare... but still somewhat a compliment none the less... i liked how the ideals portrayed in this poem were shown so vividly and almost in a living kind of way... enjoy
| Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by Esophagus1 | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey Dan, very etherical, we keep writing about the loves in our dreams, don't we?

I like the style of this, the lines are the right length for your rhyming couplets, and it works well.

Just a couple of things from my pick bag:

I'd put a comma or a - after partake

I don't think you need 'round, I'm sure you can use round

Only tiny things, I reckon this is fantastic, a huge metaphor for - well, many things come to mind, simply the wish to taste the "good life" for one.

Great stuff. mate, very good indeed.

be happy


| Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  the only thing I would suggest for this poem is to make your line breaks where you would pause if you spoke it:

I hear the wicked, honey laden whispers
you scream into my mind,
The words all twisted
origami patterns
that leave one drunk like wine.
Fear not, partake
let the silkened fingers hold you in their grip.

you get the idea. I also omitted a word but that's entirely up to you. that's how I read it. I would change some things in the second verse as well, but I have been inundated by a professor who implores me to read my poems out loud!! so don't mind me. this is a very good poem. I've just been in school too long.
| Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?