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    dots Submission Name: Crumbling Trustdots

    Author: LoneWolf
    ASL Info:    16/F/Earth
    Elite Ratio:    4.35 - 136/108/19
    Words: 171
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 671
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1157

       this poem is supposed to go with a picture i'm going to draw. it's a stone person on her hands and knees with one arm extended, reaching for help. her hand is broken off (partially cuz idk how to draw hands.. lol) and her wings are chained and locked behind her.
    her body is all cracked and she looks like she's going to fall apart at any moment. yup. pretty sad.
    btw, the poem is a convo between two people, if you couldn't tell. i think it's pretyt obvious...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCrumbling Trustdots

    Greetings, marble goddess
    why are you on the ground?
    are you trying to be modest?
    have your powers been bound?

    help me, kind stranger
    i've been here too long
    oblivious to danger
    trying to be strong

    tell me, stone angel
    what happeded to your arm?
    why is it so mangeled?
    who has done you harm?

    save me, curious one
    i've been reaching forever
    my friends have all gone
    with them, ny hopes were severed

    answer, lady of rock
    how you came to be
    why your wings are locked
    why you plead to me

    release me, sadistic being
    free me from these chains
    or do you enjoy seeing
    a helpless girl in pain?

    good-bye, crumbling girl
    you cease to amuse me
    your begging makes me hurl
    i guess i'll leave you be

    another hope walks away
    the light fades again
    ignoring what i have to say
    another pseudo friend

    this is why i no longer trust
    my hope and my body crumbles to dust

    Submitted on 2006-01-02 21:09:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was beautifully done. The rhyming was very well writen so that it flowed nicely.
    Sounds like a beautiful picture also. Though a sad one, One that hold a lot of meaning.

    You did a nice job of portraying broken trust. Someone who you think migh help, yet walks away, each time you break a little more.

    Its sad, you reach & reach yet no one comes along to take your hand.

    'another hope walks away
    the light fades again
    ignoring what i have to say
    another pseudo friend

    this is why i no longer trust
    my hope and my body crumbles to dust'

    The end was perfect, to dust..
    no longer able to recover.
    Beautiful writen pain.
    take care
    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      very soft and smooth flow, i really like that about this piece it just flows as it goes along without over doing it. i really like the last two lines they finish the poem perfectly. and i hope to see how your drawing of it comes out, i'm an artist myself and i'm not in collage yet but i'm taking collage art already so i'd like to see your work. thx for the great read,

    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by disturbedx1000 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a great piece. Beautiful lines. I think the 6th stanza could be tweaked/revised a little but other then that, it was a great read. Once you complete the pic., do you plan on adding it to go with this piece? Don't worry about the hands- it took me about a year of drawing my own hand to master them:) LOL.
    | Posted on 2006-01-03 00:00:00 | by Tonya V. | [ Reply to This ]
      very cool poem. I'd love to see the drawing. and you could be talking about me or any other woman who has a problem trusting others. my only suggestion for this is to fix your typos (which were minimal) and maybe explain why you (or the person in the poem) walked away. it seems he did not have a huge reason other than that he was no longer amused--ah, but maybe that's the point. we use each other, then walk away. nice write here, definitely.
    | Posted on 2006-01-03 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      i agree with Liv2LoveThePain the picture you drew fits the poem perfectly, i liked how you made the poem about a convo, it made it unquie, maybe thats because i haven't read a poem about a convo in a while : ) but yeah, this piece seemed like it was all a big image, and yet lots of people, including myself, have all been betrayed or left alone, by friends mainly friends which are close to you, wonderful... i shall be adding this one to my favs.
    ++My Pain++
    | Posted on 2006-01-03 00:00:00 | by my pain | [ Reply to This ]
      First I have to say that sounds like an awesome picture. It goes with the poem perfectly. The description was exactly what I saw when I read it. And I can't drawl hands either lol so I usually find ways to get around having to drawl them.

    Now on to commenting...

    I love it. It's so pretty and lonely and dark all thrown in together to make something perfect. The rhyming and flow and everything is great too and it didn't sound at all forced. I like how the "marble goddess" slowly turns into the "crumbling girl" as she crumbles and stuff. The last line kind of pulled it all together. My favorite part was:

    "release me, sadistic being
    free me from these chains
    or do you enjoy seeing
    a helpless girl in pain?"

    I love that.
    Very beautifully done.
    Great job

    | Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]

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