Crumbling Trust by LoneWolf

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Crumbling Trust dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	LoneWolf
ASL Info:	16/F/Earth
Elite Ratio:	4.35 - 136/108/19
Words:	171

Class/Type:	Poetry/Dark
Total Views:	187
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1157

Description:
this poem is supposed to go with a picture i'm going to draw. it's a stone person on her hands and knees with one arm extended, reaching for help. her hand is broken off (partially cuz idk how to draw hands.. lol) and her wings are chained and locked behind her.
her body is all cracked and she looks like she's going to fall apart at any moment. yup. pretty sad.
btw, the poem is a convo between two people, if you couldn't tell. i think it's pretyt obvious...

Crumbling Trust dots

-------------------------------------------

Greetings, marble goddess
why are you on the ground?
are you trying to be modest?
have your powers been bound?

help me, kind stranger
i've been here too long
oblivious to danger
trying to be strong

tell me, stone angel
what happeded to your arm?
why is it so mangeled?
who has done you harm?

save me, curious one
i've been reaching forever
my friends have all gone
with them, ny hopes were severed

answer, lady of rock
how you came to be
why your wings are locked
why you plead to me

release me, sadistic being
free me from these chains
or do you enjoy seeing
a helpless girl in pain?

good-bye, crumbling girl
you cease to amuse me
your begging makes me hurl
i guess i'll leave you be

another hope walks away
the light fades again
ignoring what i have to say
another pseudo friend

this is why i no longer trust
my hope and my body crumbles to dust

Submitted on 2006-01-02 21:09:45 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This was beautifully done. The rhyming was very well writen so that it flowed nicely.
Sounds like a beautiful picture also. Though a sad one, One that hold a lot of meaning.

You did a nice job of portraying broken trust. Someone who you think migh help, yet walks away, each time you break a little more.

Its sad, you reach & reach yet no one comes along to take your hand.

'another hope walks away
the light fades again
ignoring what i have to say
another pseudo friend

this is why i no longer trust
my hope and my body crumbles to dust'

The end was perfect, to dust..
no longer able to recover.
Beautiful writen pain.
take care
~jennifer
| Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
  very soft and smooth flow, i really like that about this piece it just flows as it goes along without over doing it. i really like the last two lines they finish the poem perfectly. and i hope to see how your drawing of it comes out, i'm an artist myself and i'm not in collage yet but i'm taking collage art already so i'd like to see your work. thx for the great read,

brandon
| Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by disturbedx1000 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a great piece. Beautiful lines. I think the 6th stanza could be tweaked/revised a little but other then that, it was a great read. Once you complete the pic., do you plan on adding it to go with this piece? Don't worry about the hands- it took me about a year of drawing my own hand to master them:) LOL.
~Tonya
| Posted on 2006-01-03 00:00:00 | by Tonya V. | [ Reply to This ]
  very cool poem. I'd love to see the drawing. and you could be talking about me or any other woman who has a problem trusting others. my only suggestion for this is to fix your typos (which were minimal) and maybe explain why you (or the person in the poem) walked away. it seems he did not have a huge reason other than that he was no longer amused--ah, but maybe that's the point. we use each other, then walk away. nice write here, definitely.
| Posted on 2006-01-03 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
  i agree with Liv2LoveThePain the picture you drew fits the poem perfectly, i liked how you made the poem about a convo, it made it unquie, maybe thats because i haven't read a poem about a convo in a while : ) but yeah, this piece seemed like it was all a big image, and yet lots of people, including myself, have all been betrayed or left alone, by friends mainly friends which are close to you, wonderful... i shall be adding this one to my favs.
++My Pain++
| Posted on 2006-01-03 00:00:00 | by my pain | [ Reply to This ]
  First I have to say that sounds like an awesome picture. It goes with the poem perfectly. The description was exactly what I saw when I read it. And I can't drawl hands either lol so I usually find ways to get around having to drawl them.

Now on to commenting...

I love it. It's so pretty and lonely and dark all thrown in together to make something perfect. The rhyming and flow and everything is great too and it didn't sound at all forced. I like how the "marble goddess" slowly turns into the "crumbling girl" as she crumbles and stuff. The last line kind of pulled it all together. My favorite part was:

"release me, sadistic being
free me from these chains
or do you enjoy seeing
a helpless girl in pain?"

I love that.
Very beautifully done.
Great job

-nikkki
| Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.