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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Between the linesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clarkie
    ASL Info:    18/F/FL
    Elite Ratio:    5.33 - 101/76/36
    Words: 173
    Class/Type: Poetry/Society
    Total Views: 1039
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1149



    Description:
       Another older poem. Bash it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBetween the linesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It's a secret untold
    An unspoken word is settled in every fold
    Of paper that I write on
    My tainted words are hidden in between the lines
    Invisible language is hard to read
    It keeps its secrets untouched forever
    Behind an opalescent veil
    Its present, but you don't know what it is
    It lurks behind every word spoken
    Lends a gentle tension to every conversation
    True secrets are so rare
    Because these days everyone bleeds words
    Erroniously filling the world with drabble
    Language is a weapon and you have to wield it carefully
    If you love your friends enough you sheath your sword before you come inside
    Remember to leave your barbs at home
    And don't forget that hidden daggers are bad manners
    Take your subtle weapons instead
    The tiny broken shards, sharp and unrelenting
    All that was left of your ego
    When the booted heel of some leaking secret
    Came down like a knife
    Leaving you open and bleeding
    Living proof of the words
    The pen is mightier than the sword.




    Submitted on 2006-01-03 06:41:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I really like your comparison of language with a weapon.

    This passage was very good: "Language is a weapon and you have to wield it carefully
    If you love your friends enough you sheath your sword before you come inside
    Remember to leave your barbs at home"

    Your poem's ending with the famous quote "the pen is mighter than the sword" was both tasteful and left me with a newer understanding of the power that language and the written word holds.

    Thank you for this poem.
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by Linksquest | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey,
    Although your comments say, 'bash it,' I think I'll just lightly smack instead. LOL.
    Anyways, favourite lines would have to be:

    "An unspoken word is settled in every fold"

    and

    "Because these days everyone bleeds words"

    I don't know why but they stick in my mind which is always a good sign.
    However, my two biggest criticisms would first be punctuation. I worship at the alter of the comma...LOL. I think as is, it just seems a bit messy and jumbled, I think if you placed a couple of commas or whatever here and there, it would add some structure to your ideas. This leads me to my next point, quantity. I think you could do with looking at what is necessary and what is not. Take your best images and make them perfect, atm you have a lot of phrases which seem repetitve to me. I think you repeat the word, 'secret,' but that's just a personal opinion. The lines which I would like see removed would be:

    "Of paper that I write on"

    Because it's pretty obvious, without you having to say it. Therefore it's a boring line.

    And

    "Invisible language is hard to read"

    This just seems wrong to me, the language is invisible. meaning you can't see it? So of course you couldn't read it...I just don't like it. I think there is a better way of saying it.

    Anyways, hope this helps and maybe my crit is more of a medium-hard smack now...LOL.

    JoKing.
    | Posted on 2006-01-03 00:00:00 | by JoKing | [ Reply to This ]


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