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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Possibilitydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Leala
    Elite Ratio:    3.72 - 245/299/70
    Words: 135
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 286
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1046



    Description:
       I finally wrote something in awhile. My mind was flitting about and I wrote this. Today I tried to edit it, general day after editing, couldn't. I really need your help guys.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPossibilitydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Stronger and deeper
    This bond grows everyday.
    More anchored.
    Impossible to ignore.
    Unnerving.

    Pulling me for a headlong collision.
    Love tricks me
    Into dropping defenses,
    I’ve so long cultivated.

    Fear of pain reins me back.
    Fear of safety yanks me forward.

    A kiss.
    A gentle touch.
    Ghostly hints from afar,
    sent to reassure me.

    A life of possibility,
    Everything I’ve wanted.
    A forgotten acquaintance visits again;
    Happiness.

    This trail has stumbled upon;
    Sorrow, anger, trial -
    Again and again.
    Erasing hope of happiness,
    Yet he is there, on the horizon

    Want of simplicity reins me back.
    Want of destiny yanks me forward.

    It seems that acquaintance
    seeks to become a friend;
    to visit more often

    A hug.
    A whisper.
    Eliciting a lasting smile
    from this blank face.




    Submitted on 2006-01-03 18:40:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ithink this was wonderfully written. You've captured what most people have felt at least once in their lifetime. You have amazing words that have incredible value.
    | Posted on 2006-04-14 00:00:00 | by lmen | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a pretty good poem. I liked the second stanza where you wrote about dropping defenses long cultivated. I have a problem with letting down my defenses and walls. I don't want to let people in. It's hard to let them go and just give in to possibility. It was nice to read a poem that had that aspect, but didn't over do it. I would suggest changing the word "yanks" in the third stanza to "pulls" or something similar. The word yank doesn't seem to do a love poem justice.
    | Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by Ravenwood | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem has qualities that I really like, but there are many parts that I think you could re-word for flow, for more personality. I understand what you're saying in the first stanza, but I think perhaps you could say it better, stronger. I think the first line of the 2nd stanza is ok, but the rest could be re-worded. You speak speak of dropping defenses and cultivating, and they seem to clash to me. I think may instead of love tricking you, maybe love has *led you to expose "defenses,
    I’ve so long cultivated" When something is exposed, it becomes vulnerable- just a thought.

    I like the parts "Fear of pain ..."
    and "Want of simplicity ..."

    I think some of the other stanzas could use some tweaking, but hopefully what I shared could be helpful.
    I enjoyed the read, and I see potential.
    Nicely
    | Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this poem. The short sentences really capture how breathless love can make you feel. I think you really have something with the short stanzas. It really helped induce the feeling of second thoughts, of doubt. The only thing I saw that threw me off was the second to last stanza. I think you should put a little more detail in and make it 4 lines. That way, you have your normal stanzas at 4 lines each, and your short stanzas at 2 lines. I really like this piece, and I'd love to see it developed more. Happy New Year~
    ~Monty
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by Deep_Monty | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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