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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Scalding Snowstormdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PsychoBabble214
    ASL Info:    18/female
    Elite Ratio:    4.52 - 103/109/29
    Words: 160
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 824
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 879



    Description:
       ..my first prose type thingy... i would say be gentle, but you need to give me some input i guess if i want to continue to keep writing things like this...so tell me what you think...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsScalding Snowstormdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Rage, it takes you over, eats your mind and body whole... makes your skin ache with its very presence. You feel like your flesh is only a costume, burning with acid as it eats away whatever's really left inside. Your carcass gets tossed to demons and devils alike. They devour you. Now your torn with fire and ice all at once. They kill each other off, burning you down to black, charred bone, only put out that fire, causing false security. One second of releif and you're being frozen. This is the type of cold that comes in and takes your breath away, and makes you huddle against yourself because you have no one to hold. It reminds you that you're without a lover or anyone to care for. You're alone. The rage is fire and ice... hot and cold... a scalding snowstorm that takes you by surprise and leaves you trembling and crying till you come to the end.




    Submitted on 2006-01-03 19:38:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Cool kat. To be honest I'm not sure I would qualify this as "prose" persay. It's really more of a bridge, moving slightly away from poetry, but not straying very far.

    I like the concept of rage being filled with ice and fire simotaniously. If you want this to be more prose-ish though, I suggest laying off the metaphors a bit, and adding in an ancedote or two. Don't just stick to the feeling (Because you're already really good at getting that across). Tell your audience a story; What happend to make you feel this way?

    As far as the imagery goes, I have one beef in the line: "You feel like your flesh is only a costume, burning with acid as it eats away whatever's really left inside."

    Would it be better to say that your costume/flesh is being eaten away by the acid on the inside? To me, your inside burning through to your skin is a more powerful image than your skin burning your inside. That's just a personal choice though.

    Your missing the "to" in the line "only to put out that fire".

    All in all, this is a good start towards writing prose. I encourage you to try more things like this, and next time, take it a step further.

    I'm not sure if that was "gentle" or not, but it was definately honest.

    Cheers,

    Sam
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by Ratboy | [ Reply to This ]


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