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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Quarrel of the Mountainsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PastelSky
    ASL Info:    18/F/In the clouds
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 181/223/49
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 676
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 662



    Description:
       * Special allusions - "Lizzy On Top of the World" is a song from the Pride and Prejudice movie soundtrack; Lizzy is a character from the novel Pride and Prejudice

    Inspiration: Let's just say... "family bonding".


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsQuarrel of the Mountainsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Like a mountain at its peaks
    And Lizzy on the top of the world,
    It speaks, how it speaks to me
    Not the devilish tears from your mouth
    The opaque sunlight streaming through your eyes
    And the winged bats lingering around your forehead
    Sighing, screeching, and wailing

    What I hear is not your voice
    Nor the trilling melody of the birds
    Nor the crashing tides of the waterfall
    Nor the beastly gasps of the wind


    But like a mountain at its peaks
    And Lizzy on top of the world,
    Your heart, how it speaks to me.

    Now I know your true self.




    Submitted on 2006-01-03 22:17:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hmmmmmm... You use some very dense metaphors here, which I like for your subject, a person who seems inpenetrible, unknowable. they seem to elude to things the reader is not privy to but that only adds to the distance you alude to. Very good.

    I would go through this again and add some punctuation. It seems to me it should read slower, like the pealing away of layers.

    Also, maybe break a few of the longer lines up. Use the "half-comma" pause that naturaly comes with a line break to your advantage, don't be "bullied" by it.

    As to the last line, I think it might work better without quite so much certainty. Maybe something like:

    "Now I know something of your true self."

    Very good piece,

    Jason the [censored]
    | Posted on 2006-01-03 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]


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