Shine on, you stuttering genius by liedivine

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Submission Name: Shine on, you stuttering genius dots

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Author:	liedivine
ASL Info:	21/F/CA
Elite Ratio:	5.35 - 6/6/4
Words:	150

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	169
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	843

Description:
I started writing this while watching "Shine" tonight. I finished writing this for a friend. I need to know if the indentations and line breaks work, and if I need to change the wording. Does it make any sense at all?

Shine on, you stuttering genius dots

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Shine on, you stuttering genius,

(panhandler). I see you gather ideas,
belongings; stop as soon as you believe
you’re out of shelves. Watching your,
hands, eyes, I place them
elsewhere:
on your chest, legs, toes.
Maybe if you misplaced, replaced
your self away from comfortable laps
I’d find you realized. Potential
lies
within those fingers I watch playing
among poker chips. I should scream
until your eardrums explode; the predict-
able result will assure me you
still
ache higher than the rest. I stop myself
remembering my actions won’t help me,
either. Selfishness must arrest; your
nature tending to overcome such
impatience.

Submitted on 2006-01-04 04:47:41 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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||| Comments |||
I don't think you need commas after 'watching your' and 'help me' - those commas throw off the rhythm - at least it does with me. I also wonder why you've chosen to break up the word 'predictable' - is there a reason for this or are you just trying to be different? Lol, I have to ask you know.

Is there also a reason why the words 'elsewhere', 'lies' and 'still' are on their own lines? It's slightly off-putting, although I do realize your attempts at enjambing. Are you not a fan of end-stopping your lines? It's good to experiment. The placement of words is a subtle visual-psychological tool that more writers should use, in my opinion.

Well, I've looked at this again and I've come to this conclusion: that your singular words are like the connecting words between stanzas, that your enjambed lines succeed in this piece of yours because of the subject matter. I would shorten 'tending' to 'tends' though - it's more concise and there isn't any noticeable tense shift by doing so.

As to your piece making sense, sort of... it's all quite stream-of-consciousness to me (which is fine), but if you were going for something more concrete then I would suggest injecting more literal elements into this. As it is now, fingers and poker chips are the only tangible things I can grasp - to me this means laying your stakes, an element of chance.

I think this piece speaks of telling this person to get out of their comfort zone, to be more spontaneous and unpredictable with life - because we only have one life - and who wants to live in a boring, mundane and settled manner? I think that this could perhaps be about you as well - speaking to yourself in third person (as an outside persona that is inside of you) - and that you realize this and you're not happy conforming to how society (friends, work, family etc) expects of you.

Or I could be a gazillion miles out... but hey, I've tried lol. It's well-worded, with nice rhythm, occasional uses of rhyme and slant-rhyme, and overall, it's an ambiguous, intangible poem. So if that's what you wanted, you've succeeded mightily.

Hope this helps.
Peace,
Jase
| Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]

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