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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Pretty winter (revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    26/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 136/243/156
    Words: 161
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 874
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1022



    Description:
       Revised!!!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPretty winter (revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Shall I see you again? - tonight,
    In the middle of winter,
    When shadows die by the lampposts,
    We'll ride to a place,
    Where moon phials streak across the mended mirrors,
    And dust collects on the velvet tables -
    A phantom of the snow outside.

    I conjure the images, you dance the blues,
    And here we are, blue statues of quicksilver -
    For falling, breathing rose petals on the windows:
    They ice themselves and cover
    Our sleep, and conscience, and night - away.

    We know the touch expires and the perfume fades
    With time into the rushing headlights of the streets,
    And I will keep forgetting how to hold my head
    For inspiration.

    We stay together in a place, an apparition of our dreams,
    Statues of shadow to die in the morning,
    Dissolve together, and dance to the blues
    On the parquet, burning, from so many dancing feet.








    Submitted on 2006-01-04 11:20:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Looks like you have some pretty good talent too!!!

    The imagery has a feel of beauty cast over it. It's really lovely.

    "We know the touch expires and the perfume fades
    With time into the rushing headlights of the streets,
    And I will keep forgetting how to hold my head
    For inspiration."

    That's my favorite stanza.
    | Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by Sipthefallensky | [ Reply to This ]
      Damn, thats all i got while that write is still soaking in.

    Your so good!
    But, may i suggest a change in the ending?
    I think endings should have some kind of connection to the title, and thats why i try hard to make the titles of my poetry so fascinating.
    Often, the last line of the poem would be the same as my title, but thats me.

    The last stanza should be something that makes the reader go... wow... ya know?

    but dont get me wrong, i love the ending how it ends, but it made me go, "that's it?" and feel a form of dissapointment come over me, i think i liked it too much :)

    but anyway, endings should satisfy the reader, not make them want more, unless you plan on making a part two, then endings like yours would be perfect.

    -necrotic
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by necrotic | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely done! ...sound of clapping.

    You have a very good handle on description and creating beautiful imagery with your words. I haven't found many writers on this site that have the talent that you seem to have.

    I liked the last two lines in the 1st stanza...relating to fallen dust and snow. This piece inspires me to become better at the use of imagery, description and emotion.
    | Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by Ravenwood | [ Reply to This ]
      This is lovely. You should teach how to write love poems and charge a fee. The flow is wonderful, and you don't need rhyme or structure to do it!

    The imagery is gorgeous, specifically
    Where moon phials streak across the mended mirrors,
    And dust collects on the velvet tables -
    A phantom of the snow outside.

    The only criticisms would be that, on the second to last line of the above stanza, the 'the' seems awkward and unnecessary, in last line of the above stanza, I think the 'outside' is unnecessary.
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by Clarkie | [ Reply to This ]
      i dont have to say more thing svverything is said here.. ilove this poem .. like one of the commenters say it gives a new meaning for "love" poems ... and it still is very kind and sweet ilove it .. i think you have a good magination and welll i love this part of the poem :

    "We stay together in a place, an apparition of our dreams,
    Statues of shadow to die in the morning,
    Dissolve together, and dance to the blues
    On the parquet, burning, from so many dancing feet"

    keep onwwriting and check out my writings tooo..
    bye and take care
    peace and love!
    victor!
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
      Well this is just lovely - the imagery dreamy. I like ‘When shadows die by the lampposts’, very nostalgic. The idea of this phantom of snow dancing the night away to the blues and dissolving in the morning is wonderful. Indeed, all seems broken dreams and hopes and the passage of time. The ride is one of going back to a former time. I’m not so sure about the repetition in ‘blues’ and ‘blue statues’ I think I’d just settle for statues of quicksilver. Also, I don’t think you need dancing feet as you have already referenced that your persona’s dissolve together, and dance. Despite losing the inner rhyme on ‘burning’ ‘dancing’ I think this would flow better if you just used ‘burning from so many feet’.

    I also love your use of opposition in the idea of snow/cold and burning and night/morning.
    Also, the use of sibilance, throughout, has created a charming, soft tone that is well suited to such a romantic poem.
    love and peace
    Comradenessie
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey...i don't know what to say but i have been criticizing 'love' poems as long as i've been on this website- but your work has give an entirely new meaning to this genre here in this place. You have an amazing way of expression AND the exact words, images for it. Though you could do away with the use of words like 'apparition'. I'm not saying they are unfit- just that they have a 'lengthy' pronunciation and might seem too intelligible to most people.
    Altogether an AMAZING work.
    My favourite lines "On the parquet, burning, from so many dancing feet".
    PLUS you have a talent for flawless use of english.
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by Devrath | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this. I think this is a very lovely and romantic poem which captures longing very well. Your descriptions here are really good and this poem is filled with wonderful imagery. This is very well written and expressed. The feelings of missing someone so much and giving anything just to be with them again, or to share a dance in their arms one more time...lovely. As I read this I couldnt help but think of that saying...nothing last forever...this is really beautiful and touching. Nice work. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]


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