Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Makings of Mandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Kane Martyr
    ASL Info:    17/M/Kentucky
    Elite Ratio:    3.28 - 197/115/16
    Words: 59
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1212
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 440



    Description:
       UPDATE: I have edited the last stanza, and it still doesnt match the rest completely, but I rather like it to stand out and be slightly off of the rest.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMakings of Mandots
    -------------------------------------------


    Molded from clay,
    conceived of earth.
    Man is tough today,
    as he was at birth.

    Leathery skin,
    calloused hands.
    Muscle and sinew,
    the mighty man stands.

    Protect the weak,
    respect the strong.
    A man of honor,
    will do no wrong.

    This is the code,
    of proud strong men.
    Forever staying noble,
    until they meet their end.




    Submitted on 2006-01-04 11:22:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It does come to me as an ear-pleasing poem. You might want to patch up the last stanza as Oixi suggested.
    I'm particularly fond of poems that run well with syllable count (darn, i forgot the word) as well as rhyming, so...just a suggestion, you could do something like 4-4-4-5 like it is on the first stanza.
    other than that, it read well. I enjoyed the vision of a man you depicted here and only wish more guys would live up to such standards.

    Mari
    | Posted on 2006-03-31 00:00:00 | by Mariqueri | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this, put, as others were saying, the last stanza does need a little work. Just need to fix the syllable count, I think.

    This reminds me of earlier men, as opposed to those today. But it has good imagery!

    blessed be and peace out,
    Kris
    | Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by Hungarian Girl | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this poem. I love the second stanza. It was very descriptive, it had a sort of...roughness about it, I don't know, I cannot really describe it. But I liked it a lot. The first stanza was interesting, it begins with the idea of man's creation, and then, as the poem progresses, describes man's evolvment from creation and then to man in modern times. I think that that is wonderful. I don't know...I liked this poem a lot. Very good job.
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by jessie thomas | [ Reply to This ]
      Kane, the flow of your poem is spot on and the rhyming is good. All is well until you read the last stanza. At this point the rhythm is thrown completely off with the last verse. You go from a five syllable count to a seven syllable count. If you used the word "as" instead of "however" that would keep the rhythm intact.
    | Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by oixi | [ Reply to This ]
      This wasn't bad at all. You didn't overdo your description which gets dull. The idea was interesting though because I haven't read anything about someone's feelings toward 'manhood'. This shows a good perspecive of what your true feelings are. I just have one negative comment. Your last line; it's kind of long. it doesn't quite go into the last stanza. Myabe you don't need the however? To me it reads as though you were trying to squeeze these last words into one line. That's the only flaw I see in my view. Other then that, you should be proud of this.

    -Lado
    | Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]
      I dont understand why you dont like this poem. You speak of men as they should be and your description has me confused. You dont feel this way? Of course a man should be noble and strong and honorable. I think you should rid the poem of its description. The poem itself is very good and I think it does a fine job of describing the strength of men. It is not a complicated write, the words are simple and easy to understand. I think that adds to the poems strength. Not at all bad. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      nice write lots of emotion moving thru the thoughts very enjoyable read
    thanx for yor comment on tribute i wrote it that way as the words are very meaningful the way they are if the reader has experenced the emotion being played out in the meaning and its the start of my second novel
    thanx again and great write
    sandman
    | Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked this piece, and i must say im surprised that you dont like it. it shows the building blocks every man should have, yet it is not so, very few men these days have this. respect and honor, yes, these are important, but what about love and kindness? i must say i was a little dissapointed to see that there was none of that, I, atleast think that you are missing these to make the poem the best it can be. but at the current time it just sounds like a mindless drone who is respectful and noble, yet unloving and uncaring. but hey, who knows? maybe im wrong in thinking this but i have to say something. well, i did like the poem, im just saying that maybe you should add something about love and trust in it.

    ~Zach~
    | Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey this was good. I just wish all man were like that. Which unfortunately is not so. I understand how you feel, I hate being in a block, where nothing seems to come to mind. You sure did a nice job though.

    PinkFairy
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by PinkFairy | [ Reply to This ]
      The piece was pretty good - I was a bit confused over your description but you had a good start here. This is how we should be noble and honoroble.
    The flow was ok but it seemed like it was missing something I can't pinpoint.
    Good luck with your writer's block
    Love,peace,Joy&Smiles 2 share
    tif
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good poem. I like the imagery and the perception that this poem has to offer.
    You have potrayed man as noble and strong without bashing anyone, i really like that.
    Keep up the good work
    last1inthedoor
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by last1inthedoor | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this poem. I loved the flow and the rhyme scheme. I wouldn't change a thing. It just made me think and I appreciate that in any kind of works.
    Mickey
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by dawn_voluptre23 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    86427

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry