hmm, something about this bothers me. the idea and everything is great, just something. But i have to say i like this one much better than the other. there were too many short quick lines that didnt seem to flow or make sense to me. this one seems easier to read and understand. I didn't care too much for the way you used repitition in this. Could have done without the second stanza completely since you just stated that they smash your dreams. I dont think it helped with impact, if anything it was a bit annoying. I didnt like the fourth stanza either, for the same reason. But I did enjoy the next one. It sounded like you actually meant it, and I didn't always see that in this song. Again the repitition in this really got to me. About the whiskey lying and being sorry, it didn't sound right with the rest of it. Also the line about saying you're here but not, I think that could be stated better, I liked that idea though. I didn't really understand what you were talking about with being free of the sun, weren't you cold with the whiskey before? well I think I've said enough about what I don't like about this, I'm feeling kind of bad because I don't think I said anything nice. I think it definently has lyrical potential, if you clean it up. Very great idea though, you have some really good lines in this, and I like the title. If you ever write another version let me know, I'll be nice to it.
Have to say I liked the other one better. Honestly the repetitiveness in this one did nothing for me. In the other one, however, repeating yourself... worked, i guess... please excuse the poor choice in words. Personally I believe shorter one is better.
Hey zu, ah sorry i couldnt comment on the other one, im probably too shallow to understand it comepletely but i loved this one. I personally think that these lines: I can't help it; I'm here but still not The day you said good bye And now I can't feel the numbness inside The day you [censored]in said good bye. And I can't turn it down… are related to you but i dont honestly know what it completely feels like coz she never said a hello so there was no chance for a goodbye so im still waiting for a hello(yes still waiting.) Anyway as far as the song goes, i dont think its poppy, its very nice but i relate. I know how some ppl say that all dogs have their day but im like what the [censored] man , thats all bull[censored], its just a lie that some ppl say to make us feel better and they tell us so many things but were still like what the [censored] thats all bull[censored] coz the world is so full of lies that u dont know who to belive and then theres hurt and the hurt is immense and theres nothing you can do to take it away no matter how hard u try. anyway beautiful write g
I like the other version more, this one sounds too pop-y and typical. The other one sounds more heartfelt and easier to listen to.
This one, to me, souns more like the Ballad-y whiny Guns N' Roses. The other sounds more like recent Disturbed/Korn. Their both good, but the other one just sounds like a better song. I'd love to hear both versions if you decide to record them. Just out of curiosity.