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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Turn it down (version 2)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Zu
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 446/379/76
    Words: 302
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Depressed
    Total Views: 678
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2076



    Description:
       the second version. please help me decide which one's better.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTurn it down (version 2)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    It screams in my head
    Over and over it screams
    Sometimes you just don't get why
    They always smash your dreams.

    But they always smash
    Your pitiful dreams
    Never stop.

    The volume rises above
    The tolerable level
    And you get drowned in that
    Uncontrollable revel.

    It's rising over the
    Tolerable level
    It hurts.

    I can't help it; I'm here but still not
    The day you said good bye
    And now I can't feel the numbness inside
    The day you fuckin said good bye.
    And I can't turn it down…

    I told you I'm sorry
    I can't ever be the same
    Nobody believes me though
    Can't ever go back again.

    Nobody believes me now
    But I'm still sorry
    Sure am.

    The coffee table's shivering
    It's that cold in my mind
    The scent of whisky lies
    As it lies all the time…

    The whisky always lies
    To everyone around
    It's cold.

    I can't help it; I'm here but still not
    The day you said good bye
    And now I can't feel the numbness inside
    The day you fuckin said good bye.
    And I can't turn it down…

    I still don't really get the fact
    That some dogs don't have a day
    But I hope…
    I'm going around
    I can't turn it down…
    Down…

    They told me it's all right
    They told me I can still fight
    They told me lots of things…

    And now that I'm free of the sun
    And warm inside
    I know…
    They only lied…

    Cause

    I can't help it; I'm here but still not
    I drained my soul long ago from my mind
    They tell me to turn it down
    But I've already drained my soul from inside
    And I can't turn it down…

    Down…




    Submitted on 2006-01-04 14:41:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      hmm, something about this bothers me. the idea and everything is great, just something. But i have to say i like this one much better than the other. there were too many short quick lines that didnt seem to flow or make sense to me. this one seems easier to read and understand. I didn't care too much for the way you used repitition in this. Could have done without the second stanza completely since you just stated that they smash your dreams. I dont think it helped with impact, if anything it was a bit annoying. I didnt like the fourth stanza either, for the same reason. But I did enjoy the next one. It sounded like you actually meant it, and I didn't always see that in this song. Again the repitition in this really got to me. About the whiskey lying and being sorry, it didn't sound right with the rest of it. Also the line about saying you're here but not, I think that could be stated better, I liked that idea though. I didn't really understand what you were talking about with being free of the sun, weren't you cold with the whiskey before? well I think I've said enough about what I don't like about this, I'm feeling kind of bad because I don't think I said anything nice. I think it definently has lyrical potential, if you clean it up. Very great idea though, you have some really good lines in this, and I like the title. If you ever write another version let me know, I'll be nice to it.

    -steph
    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      Have to say I liked the other one better. Honestly the repetitiveness in this one did nothing for me. In the other one, however, repeating yourself... worked, i guess... please excuse the poor choice in words. Personally I believe shorter one is better.

    Keep writing.
    -Min-
    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by Minion | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey zu, ah sorry i couldnt comment on the other one, im probably too shallow to understand it comepletely but i loved this one. I personally think that these lines:
    I can't help it; I'm here but still not
    The day you said good bye
    And now I can't feel the numbness inside
    The day you [censored]in said good bye.
    And I can't turn it down…
    are related to you but i dont honestly know what it completely feels like coz she never said a hello so there was no chance for a goodbye so im still waiting for a hello(yes still waiting.) Anyway as far as the song goes, i dont think its poppy, its very nice but i relate. I know how some ppl say that all dogs have their day but im like what the [censored] man , thats all bull[censored], its just a lie that some ppl say to make us feel better and they tell us so many things but were still like what the [censored] thats all bull[censored] coz the world is so full of lies that u dont know who to belive and then theres hurt and the hurt is immense and theres nothing you can do to take it away no matter how hard u try. anyway beautiful write
    g
    | Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by Gautam | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the other version more, this one sounds too pop-y and typical. The other one sounds more heartfelt and easier to listen to.

    This one, to me, souns more like the Ballad-y whiny Guns N' Roses. The other sounds more like recent Disturbed/Korn. Their both good, but the other one just sounds like a better song. I'd love to hear both versions if you decide to record them. Just out of curiosity.

    Nice job

    Sammy
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by Raven_TheWolf | [ Reply to This ]


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