Description: O.K it's a talking lake,
I've always wanted to write a short fantasy story for my little girl for when she reaches that age, and this fits into it, I just came up with it today but was reasonably happy with it for a kiddies story. I'll not go into the story indepth but I Reckon you can figure the gist of it out for yourselves for this chapter.
Just to clarify though, the first stanza is read to just the ordinary passer by and if the right person comes along it will lead to the rest of the dit, do you see
The lakes warning -------------------------------------------
“Ware to the stranger
Who wanders so close
If they’ve a mind to cross
For I suffer no boat”
“Though it's ‘neath these waters
I believe you wish to seek
Secrets I keep safe there
Of which legends speak”
“So bring me my bands
The trinity I wrought
Of iron and copper
Of silver…to start”
“Then may I show you
For that which you quest
Ware once more stranger
It may bring you to death!”
Hee hee! Ok...it's a talking lake! How cool is that? Two thumbs up from me for some originality with this one. For some reason it made me think of pirates and sunken ships with lost treasure. I know that really applies more so to the ocean but hey, it's my mind right? haha! I am not sure if this would be a good children's theme though, they might run away screaming as it could be kinda scary, but I did enjoy it and I am a kid at heart so, I guess it works!This is well written and expressed and some nice imagery here. And you pulled the rhyme off nicely too. Very good stuff here! I enjoyed it and now to a nice cold one...
I think your kiddie will love this! I do. One of those things that are great read enthusiastically by a story teller. I can image the kids getting excited over this. ‘For it may bring you to DEATH!’ ahhhh. Lol. I will watch out for the rest.
i like this idea...it would be cool if it was turned into a longer story though...but i really like what you.ve got here...i like the old language you.ve used...whenever i try to write like this it just doesn't work out for me...so i'm impressed...just because of that...and i have to say its sweet to write something for your little girl...i write little silly riddles for mine she loves it...you could go so many directions with this...i hope you add to it eventually...purps
I liked the flow and pace of this piece but wonder if it may be a little dark for children. I am a fantacy fan and a talking lake is a cool idea. The fact that it covets human treasure seems to be a reoccuring theme in these cases. I think the the first line of the 2nd stanza could read:
However, 'neath these waters...
It's shorter seems to fit and doesn't distract from the message. Just a thought that you can take or leave. Over all I liked the poem and will watch for any additions. Dan
This is definately a Shakespearian write to me. I have only read what others send to me about him for he bores me to much...but from what I know about that guy...this reminds me of him.
If I am wrong...feel free to let me know.
Kind of like wanting something, getting it and finding it to be such a sweet thing...going back and finding it isnt exactly what you thought it was once before, ya know? Mybe its just me of the way I interrpret it, but thats the beauty of your words...you leave us with our imaginations and interrpretations. Nice stuff Phil.
Very cute. Truly unique to have a talking lake. I like the old english feel to this. I like the rhyming and the simplicity of this. This was brief, but not to short. I think this wolud make a nice story if you add more to it for your little girl. for now, it's great poem.