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    dots Submission Name: The lakes warningdots

    Author: Vastmark
    ASL Info:    29/M/U.K
    Elite Ratio:    6.02 - 225/171/26
    Words: 80
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1045
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 525

       O.K it's a talking lake,
    I've always wanted to write a short fantasy story for my little girl for when she reaches that age, and this fits into it, I just came up with it today but was reasonably happy with it for a kiddies story. I'll not go into the story indepth but I Reckon you can figure the gist of it out for yourselves for this chapter.

    Just to clarify though, the first stanza is read to just the ordinary passer by and if the right person comes along it will lead to the rest of the dit, do you see

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe lakes warningdots

    “Ware to the stranger
    Who wanders so close
    If they’ve a mind to cross
    For I suffer no boat”

    “Though it's ‘neath these waters
    I believe you wish to seek
    Secrets I keep safe there
    Of which legends speak”

    “So bring me my bands
    The trinity I wrought
    Of iron and copper
    Of silver…to start”

    “Then may I show you
    For that which you quest
    Ware once more stranger
    It may bring you to death!”

    Submitted on 2006-01-04 17:46:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      What an interesting topic to tackle. Once again you have an amazing ability with rhyme and the imagery was wonderful.
    | Posted on 2006-07-24 00:00:00 | by xxxpunky_fishxx | [ Reply to This ]
      Hee hee! Ok...it's a talking lake! How cool is that? Two thumbs up from me for some originality with this one. For some reason it made me think of pirates and sunken ships with lost treasure. I know that really applies more so to the ocean but hey, it's my mind right? haha! I am not sure if this would be a good children's theme though, they might run away screaming as it could be kinda scary, but I did enjoy it and I am a kid at heart so, I guess it works!This is well written and expressed and some nice imagery here. And you pulled the rhyme off nicely too. Very good stuff here! I enjoyed it and now to a nice cold one...

    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really cool. I don't picture it as a kid's story though, more a Tolkienesque adult fantasy idea.

    Very interesting write!

    | Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      I think your kiddie will love this! I do. One of those things that are great read enthusiastically by a story teller. I can image the kids getting excited over this. ‘For it may bring you to DEATH!’ ahhhh. Lol. I will watch out for the rest.
    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by PaulHudson | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this idea...it would be cool if it was turned into a longer story though...but i really like what you.ve got here...i like the old language you.ve used...whenever i try to write like this it just doesn't work out for me...so i'm impressed...just because of that...and i have to say its sweet to write something for your little girl...i write little silly riddles for mine she loves it...you could go so many directions with this...i hope you add to it eventually...purps
    | Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the flow and pace of this piece but wonder if it may be a little dark for children. I am a fantacy fan and a talking lake is a cool idea. The fact that it covets human treasure seems to be a reoccuring theme in these cases. I think the the first line of the 2nd stanza could read:

    However, 'neath these waters...

    It's shorter seems to fit and doesn't distract from the message. Just a thought that you can take or leave. Over all I liked the poem and will watch for any additions. Dan
    | Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]
      Bloody neat! I can see this as the start to a movie, it really does conjure up magical thoughts about what may happen, what will happen!

    Nice use of loose rhyme, nothing to improve, just very enjoyable...bring on the epic tale!

    be happy

    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is definately a Shakespearian write to me. I have only read what others send to me about him for he bores me to much...but from what I know about that guy...this reminds me of him.

    If I am wrong...feel free to let me know.

    Kind of like wanting something, getting it and finding it to be such a sweet thing...going back and finding it isnt exactly what you thought it was once before, ya know? Mybe its just me of the way I interrpret it, but thats the beauty of your words...you leave us with our imaginations and interrpretations. Nice stuff Phil.

    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      Very cute. Truly unique to have a talking lake. I like the old english feel to this. I like the rhyming and the simplicity of this. This was brief, but not to short. I think this wolud make a nice story if you add more to it for your little girl. for now, it's great poem.

    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]

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