Wow, this was really filled with alot of emotion. I feel bad that you're in a situation like this, but don't ever give up hope and don't ever give up on school! I had alot of hinderings with me trying to finish highschool...but I was able to make it through in the end, so I know you can too! Oh and...you're more than just [censored]...so believe that you're so much more...because you are. This poem was a really good one and I definitly saw alot of talent and now...I'm off to read some more of your stuff! Good luck in all you do!
I think it is good starting from the 9th down. the first 8 lines are kind of repetitive with the “I’m” and “I am” sorry to say that to a write that has pain in it but sometimes an outsiders view is better than a view from a pal. I do think you can make those first 8 much better that should not be a problem. but I will digress just a tad here because you have it listed as a rant, as a rant and nothing more then its good.
I don’t know how someone can worry about joy that strikes me as odd. I mean serious think about it, say that as if you are talking to someone “oh honey I worry about so much about how you spend time alone, the way your boss treats you, our money situation, and your joy too. I worry so much about your joy” I dunno I could be wrong here but it is still kind of weird to me then again so is eating tofu. maybe something there by the word “joy” perhaps the concern that you weren’t feeling joy then I would say it wouldn’t be so odd. there is another thing that stands out here “jester” again I don’t know about that one but hey if you like it then forget what I think.
now not all pickiness here I do love this stanza:
You always taught me I'd never be more than [censored] And I'm no longer believing you (..okay, maybe a little bit)
now here you have the teaching of those who made you feel horrible about yourself and then you resolve that you are not believing what has been told. but the really great part that grabs me here is the struggle inside with your own view with “(..okay, maybe a little bit)” I can feel that big time and it is not easy to deal with.
ok skip the next stanza to the stanza of telling them you don’t want to be like them and how their marriage is loveless that is good I like that part. I think either the stanza I have put up already or the ending stanza is my favorite.
So take a deep breath And close your eyes And if you listen really closely You might hear my goodbye
those I like a lot anyhow sorry if I seemed harsh on some parts.
NIIIIICE! wow babe, this was great. and totally sincere. you just laid it all out there. i'm sorry you're dealing with this stuff, or i should say that you're having to deal with this stuff, but you're right, you can do it.
'And I'm no longer believing you (..okay, maybe a little bit)' Perfection, absolute perfection. Old enough to know who you are and what you can do. But your parents still have that knife stuck into your self belief and imagination. I do hope you weren’t told you would 'never be more than [censored]'. Because based on what I have just read, you are a lot more that [censored]. Loved the flow loved the simple format. Loved the sense of nerviness and the mature undertones of realism about leaving your parents being hard but it being something you have to do. Really enjoyed it. I’m going to read everything else your done now... hehe.
Another potent and deep poem. I sense you are unhappy. I liked the persoanl feel of this poem. I'm sorry to see you go through all of this. I think this poem is saying that you are tired of playing on the safe side of life, you want to live. And you want to be you, not what others want or need you to be. This poem seems like you are cutting the ties of codependency. Becoming your own woman. You sound like you are getting ready to fly on your own in this poem. Nice flow and rhyme scheme. Good job.