[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: How about that, Breakdots

    Author: PaulHudson
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Southend, Essex
    Elite Ratio:    5.56 - 70/71/19
    Words: 155
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 862
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 898


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHow about that, Breakdots

    It was not you or I
    That stole our loverís lust
    No human could be so cruel or such a fool
    To be blessed by something so pure, and let it decay to dust

    That cold day seemed so hushed
    But for the sound of our last kiss.
    Yet our loves flower did not die and whither
    It didnít turn from the light of day
    It grew more beautiful and bigger
    And every time we lay apart and prayed
    It swelled fertilized by me and you
    Knowing that we were true

    So for all our pain of being apart
    For all the times we were robbed of hart

    For every tear soaked wish
    For every time we missed
    For every cold stab of loves dagger
    For every time we woke alone, haggard

    It all sweetened the smell of our loves flower
    It all ripened the fruit of what is ours.

    Submitted on 2006-01-04 18:53:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Awww! This is very sweet. I love the sentiment here and how wonderful it is when love truly endures the hard times only to come out stronger and better because of it. The only suggestion I have is with the flow of the poem. It could use a little more fluidity as a whole, but really a minor detail overall. Love poems are truly my favorite and this one is really very sweet and gives a really genuine feel as I read it. Very nice. Take care.

    | Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      it was very good then ... with a lot of images that gave a lot of emotion here keep on writing and take care..
    peace and love!
    | Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
      i dig the faith of the flower to blossom even though the lover's are apart. the trust in not only yourself but of your mate it's heartwarming. great job.
    | Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by Lil gal | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this a lot. i really do...it does so much for me especially what i'm going through right now. i'm adding to my favourites.
    | Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by hayl | [ Reply to This ]
      you have alot of very interesting images there, im really impressed on your use of words. you did a very good job, could use some sort of consistency or linking element to the paragraphs though but overall you woudnt notice it, good job!
    | Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by ax2x3m | [ Reply to This ]
      i know not about poetries cruel and hard boundries set by scholars all i know is that this provoked memories and feelings in me that i have tried to keep at bay and perhaps things that i worry about, i lost my first love but now i am with the most precious person! so even if i did not get my love back as you did in this i am happier for it!
    i see you are happier too! thanks so much for commenting on my work, i always return th favours!
    | Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by orpheus | [ Reply to This ]
      my fist feling was that we were their together then we were a part . something brough us back and we stayed a while very good job of writing
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by apat | [ Reply to This ]
      This was nice. I think that your flow was just a little off with the way you had your sentences. The poem itself was very sweet and emotional. It spoke of what seems to be your love life losing it's spark. I think that the best part was when you said:

    For every tear soaked wish
    For every time we missed
    For every cold stab of loves dagger
    For every time we woke alone, haggard

    This had the most desired effect of your poem. I hope to see more work from you. Nice job.

    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      The sentence structure was a little choppy, but all in all, that was absolutely beautiful =] That's all I have to say, and keep up the good work.
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by Yclipse | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    This written by Chelebel
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    To written by SavedDragon
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Incubus written by monad
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Bond written by saartha
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Giving written by jjd
    Push written by JanePlane
    untitled written by Chelebel
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Linger written by saartha
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]