Description: This isn't completely finished, but I don't know what direction I was going for. I know this is not my best work, so I just wanted other people opinions.
Therefore I am -------------------------------------------
I eat my own flesh
Therefore I am a cannibal
I talk badly about others who do the same as I
Therefore I am a hypocrite
I let people say negative things and go along with them
Therefore I am a pacifist
I think about death frequently
Therefore I am suicidal
I get angry all the time
Therefore I am enraged
I hurt myself
Therefore I am my own enemy
I exist on this earth
Therefore I am
You invent a verse-form and carry it out with a complete argument from beginning through examples to an ending with a bit of a twist to it. This is good verse-making. But not so good with two other things that readers like to experience in a poem. The first is tropism, that is, the language of tropes or metaphors. The first line gives a metaphor ... even if it's only about biting your nails, the words are passionate and have impact, and as a figure of speech they activate some powerful sector of the reader's heart&mind .... But I guess you were thinking about Descartes' logic and so the rest of the poem's argument is not figurative but consists of plain statements which aren't really different from prose. Don't take this criticism too seriously because we're all struggling to avoid this "error" and sometimes we don't even want to!
My other suggestion is about repetition, which you use to fine effect as part of the verseform or basic framework here. However, the rhythm of the repetition is flat like a clock ticking. I noticed it because my 'ear' got bored before the poem was finished. That made me think about it a bit. I then reckoned that there are at least two ways to improve on it (if you think it needs improving, which is always controversial!). One way would be to consider the "therefore I am" repetition to be a sort of bass line in the poem's rhythm, and then include a treble line of rhythmic whatever, which makes it more of a buzz to "hear" whilst reading. Even in the mind, poetry readers always respond to a bit of music going through the poem.
Another way to complicate the rhythm would be to vary the incidence of the "therefore..." phrase by somehow messing with that regular couplet structure which makes your verseform. But that is difficult to do without losing the chosen structure! Not impossible though.
Oh, i liked this one a lot. Therefore I am. Thats a good title and it just fits so well in with the poem, you do this ________ therefore i am ______ Thats pretty cool. So many people dont realize that they are hypocrites and all that. Thumbs up inkpen
This applies to so many people. I see that and think, that's really [censored] sad. I liked this poem. It's kind of like that time I had that phrase in my head and nothing came after, so no poem. I think I now know what it was going to. That's a little bit of peace of mind at least. I really liked the title. You have a knack for titles, y'know. All your poems are so [censored] amazing. I ever so happy knowing I managed to find a site people like you post on. :D This seems to be a poem that you put a corner of your mind on so you could look at it and know. Organizing the chaotic into little verses. I prefer boxes.
Really good write. It portrays a very clear chain of thought and the constant describing and explaining rythem is very effective. Im not quite sure about the first line, I dont know anyone who eats their own flesh but the last two lines are fantastic and very powerful. Im adding this to my favourites.
omgg thats soo cool. i really like it im adding it to my fav list. this is so cool and it makes me feel like im not the only one thinking these kinds of things. this is really nice and i really like the way you describe it. nice work. I hope to hear from you soon. Keep in touch
Submission Name: Therefore I am
