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Movie in Her Mind


Author: Day DreaMeR
ASL Info:    19/F/somewhere
Elite Ratio:    6.23 - 853 /408 /53
Words: 99
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1256
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 699



Description:


Just came to me now. I'm not sure what I think of it. But I'm never sure what I think of my writes so go ahead say you don't like it or like it. Doesn't matter to me.


Movie in Her Mind



It's laughing at her,
She's scared,
Her past laughs even louder,
She tries to cover her ears,
But it doesn't work,
It's like the trap she was in last time,
Only she doesn't know if there's a way out,
It can't be happening,
Not again,

Her scars left in her mind,
Leave her in tears,
Images come to her mind,
Playing as if they were a scary movie,
Only the star of this,
Is her,
Her mistakes,
Every little detail,
Her voice,
But it's all just a memory,
Like a scary movie,
Continuously playing in her head




Submitted on 2006-01-04 20:29:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  hmm its ok i mean i think some of your other writes are better. but in more detail we dont really feel her pain i mean yeah we do but its not like truley feeling it ya know. overall its ok though
| Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by EmeRalDEyeZ5491 | [ Reply to This ]
  i think the fact that this peice leaves your mind to wonder who,what , when all the w's.lol is a true sign of talent. even thougfh i found myself curious at the end .it sparked my imagination
| Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by unclerob | [ Reply to This ]
  Brenna
This is the write I was hoping to see from you
In this one I can perfectly understand a lot more about you
This write Brenna describes my Life perfectly
You really outdid your self with this
Such emotion and true feelings where put into this
Excellent Write
This one is a Favorite
God Bless
Your Friend Always
Ron
| Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  i'm liking this brennie but it could defently be improved upon..but your idea is great...your thoughts and ideas are so much better than when you first started i think its because you have more confidence in your writing and in your style...which is great...ange
| Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
  For something that just came to you, its definately a good idea. I'm taking this as a first draft and so it can definately be improved in my opinion. I kinda agree with Mr. Alphabet in that it does tread upon unnecessary words at some points and nothing new is added. Not to say this is a bad write, I certainly recieved some torment from reading what the character in this was going through. I think this could be a great piece with some adjustment, but for a first idea and draft, I'd say this can only be positive.
-James
| Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
  THAT doesn't sound like fun. You do a good job portraying her despair here and putting the reader in her thoughts. My only suggestion is to tighten it up - help us really feel the movie she's seeing. Lose the unnecessary words too (that dulls the impact).

Peace,

Joe
| Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  Really nice peice...but it would be much better if you added to it...or spent a little more time with describing how she felt...What caused this pain? How does she deal with it? What makes the feelings come back? Im not trying to be rude and i admit im not that great of a writer...but your peom didnt hold my interest...and the overall form of writing was a bit hard to follow...but keep trying and Revise your peoms...lots of time you will find you can add to something and make it a very constructive peice of work...Keep it Up!
RandiKae
| Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by RandiKae | [ Reply to This ]
  it certainly was different... didn't really get what you were trying to say. were these just random thoughts or were you trying to say something?
the wording could have used more improvement
you could have made it a bit more detailed.. it seems suddenly ending
hope to read more of your works soon,'
john*
| Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked the fact you made her memories of her life play out like a movie in her mind. I liked the fact she is trapped with this stuck in her head. It is like she is in a mental horror flick. I think that not having a just so flow, gives more to the eractic string of thoughts with the female in the poem. You did not spend times with the details, and thats good in my eyes, because it leaves me to focus on this female being tormented by her past. It's different from I have read freom you but I like it. Good job Brenna.

Maggie
| Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  With a little more thought put into it, this good poem could be a great poem.

I know some lines are supposed to be short, but the long ones screw up the flow. it's almost sing-song, but you get bogged down in th ewords and forget the meter. Both are important.

"Only she doesn't know if there's a way out,
It can't be happening,
Not again,"

Break it at know, IE)
Only she doesn't know if
there's a way out,
It can't be happening,
Not again,

That has the same words, but flows better.

At the beginning, "It's laughing at her," what is?
You move directly into her memories, "past laughs even louder," in the next phrase, leaving me to wonder what the poem is really about.

Hope that isn't too hard on ya. REvise a few times before calling it done. and you should care to get constructive criticism.

Keep goin.
| Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by Mackb | [ Reply to This ]


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