Smudge all that surrounds
Compressed to non-arresting hues
Forget the fog about the supple iris
Throttled, choked to pinpoint
Never mind the bruise
And clear the way for center frame
Its beaming mass of calloused acts
Of tumours cancerous and glowing
Oozing, sick and growing up
To upside down confusion
And moving ever closer
Spitting shards of venom
Raging heat and menacing
While threatening the atmosphere
The background and the hemisphere
Its tongue the only sound you hear
Suddenly you’re conscious
Feel your lashes grapple
Sweep against the metal frame
So close it nearly gags you
Stray away your mindful eye
Allow for fresher light to play
From suffocation to elation
Tunnel vision opened wide
To watch removed in contemplation
Backed against a wall
The door appears so small
The vision through the keyhole
Falls and blurs in tones, away
It's true, when we narrow our vision because we perceive an injustice, we only break the stride that might also give us joy. So rather than close down and peer through the keyhole because of fear, it's prudent to keep vision alive.
I like the rhythm and tone you've used here Sam it's somewhat syncopated and internal but I can hear it. I can't think of anything I'd want to change on this one either, I hope you'll forgive that. Crafty stuff! thanks for sharing.
huh...I think Jason misread that last line, it's 'falls', not 'dim'.
Well, Sam, this kinda reminds me of another piece Mike (inspirit999) wrote, 'Perception', which is much shorter, and I'm in no way saying it's unoriginal, 'cuz it's very original, it just reminds me of that.
I like the way it starts out, kinda draws you in; it's almost mysterious... now, I think you did a great job on this, but I just don't get some of the things you describe in this one.
And clear the way for center frame It's beaming mass of calloused acts
Are you talking about perception itself? How one person may see something as misunderstood confusion and another would see it entirely different? Or is it more of a riddle, where you want to give away just enough so the reader can figure out what you're talking about? Or am I missing something? However, I do understand the general idea of this, which I think is good, and I totally respect that you can come up with this kind of piece and not go completely bonkers out of your mind(like I would)!
okay, I think you get the point, I like this piece! Good Job!
I enjoyed reading this one. It has a pondering quality to it and conveys the two "themes" of "focusing" and "blinking" well. Trying to discern something and then trying to comprehend it.
I also like the instructional tone you set, not describing so much as explaining-or maybe trying to explain a corse of action. step by step.
My advice here would be to use some punctuation to emphasise the natural pauses of your wording and to emphasise the laborious nature of the effort you seem to elude to.
Also, just a thought, it might be interesting if you never actually paid it off at the end, I mean if you didn't really indicate what was being found beyond the keyhole. It might lend an air of "openness" that would allow your reader to bring their own hard-won perceptions into the work for themselves.