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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Perspectivedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ratboy
    ASL Info:    17/Male/South Slocan B.C.
    Elite Ratio:    5.17 - 50/73/22
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1234
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1134



    Description:
       Take it as you will.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPerspectivedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Now focus

    Smudge all that surrounds
    Compressed to non-arresting hues
    Forget the fog about the supple iris
    Throttled, choked to pinpoint
    Never mind the bruise
    And clear the way for center frame
    Its beaming mass of calloused acts
    Of tumours cancerous and glowing
    Oozing, sick and growing up
    To upside down confusion
    Needing nourishment
    And moving ever closer
    Spitting shards of venom
    Raging heat and menacing
    While threatening the atmosphere
    The background and the hemisphere
    Its tongue the only sound you hear

    Now blink

    Suddenly you’re conscious
    Feel your lashes grapple
    Sweep against the metal frame
    So close it nearly gags you
    Stray away your mindful eye
    Allow for fresher light to play
    From suffocation to elation
    Tunnel vision opened wide
    To watch removed in contemplation
    Backed against a wall
    The door appears so small
    The vision through the keyhole
    Falls and blurs in tones, away




    Submitted on 2006-01-04 23:53:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It's true, when we narrow our vision because we perceive
    an injustice, we only break the stride that might also give us joy. So rather than close down and peer through the keyhole because of fear, it's prudent to keep vision alive.

    I like the rhythm and tone you've used here Sam it's somewhat syncopated and internal but I can hear it. I can't
    think of anything I'd want to change on this one either, I hope you'll forgive that. Crafty stuff! thanks for sharing.

    Nan
    | Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      huh...I think Jason misread that last line, it's 'falls', not 'dim'.

    Well, Sam, this kinda reminds me of another piece Mike (inspirit999) wrote, 'Perception', which is much shorter, and I'm in no way saying it's unoriginal, 'cuz it's very original, it just reminds me of that.

    Now focus

    I like the way it starts out, kinda draws you in;
    it's almost mysterious... now, I think you did a great job on this, but I just don't get some of the things you describe in this one.

    And clear the way for center frame
    It's beaming mass of calloused acts

    Are you talking about perception itself? How one person may see something as misunderstood confusion and another would see it entirely different? Or is it more of a riddle, where you want to give away just enough so the reader can figure out what you're talking about? Or am I missing something? However, I do understand the general idea of this, which I think is good, and I totally respect that you can come up with this kind of piece and not go completely bonkers out of your mind(like I would)!

    okay, I think you get the point, I like this piece! Good Job!


    avril54
    | Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Avril54 | [ Reply to This ]
      Better, though the last line confuses me:

    "Dim and blur in tones, away"

    Did you mean: "Dim and blur away in tones" and invert it?
    | Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed reading this one. It has a pondering quality to it and conveys the two "themes" of "focusing" and "blinking" well. Trying to discern something and then trying to comprehend it.

    I also like the instructional tone you set, not describing so much as explaining-or maybe trying to explain a corse of action. step by step.

    My advice here would be to use some punctuation to emphasise the natural pauses of your wording and to emphasise the laborious nature of the effort you seem to elude to.

    Also, just a thought, it might be interesting if you never actually paid it off at the end, I mean if you didn't really indicate what was being found beyond the keyhole. It might lend an air of "openness" that would allow your reader to bring their own hard-won perceptions into the work for themselves.

    Very good work on this piece.

    Jason The [censored]
    | Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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