Falling by Atrip187

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Submission Name: Falling dots

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Author:	Atrip187
ASL Info:	21/Male/Some Alley
Elite Ratio:	4.53 - 81/76/21
Words:	91

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	178
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	669

Description:

Falling

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Fingers frozen,
breath burnin,
Steering wheel turnin,
life aint golden,
Tears on my cheek,
radio blastin,
got me askin,
why am i so weak,
flying through a light,
my heart drop,
when the car in front of me stop,
and the world flash white,

body aches,
mind is numb,
standing looking dumb,
as the ground shakes,
crawling out what was my ride,
looking around,
notice the rain coming down,
and I cried.
Everythings a blur,
nothing in order,
life and death with no border,
and then there was her...

Submitted on 2006-01-05 00:35:08 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  ok.. i think the message in this writing is very good.. but ...the grammar and the wording i dont like it at all...well i just can say that ... very good one and keep writing ...
peace and love
victor!
| Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
  i like the quick lines...its adds to the intensity and rushed feelings going on as you read. ...also makes the last line really sit with you. why do people concentrate on the pattern more than the words...you didn't write this so we could sit and ponder the pattern format whatever for hours...i guess that has always been beyond me...i belive poetry has more than a set pattern...its shape is born in the words written...maybe i'm just corny...anywho...back to your write...i loved it...the last two lines worked so well with the feeling of the whole poem...purps
| Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is interesting. The affected grammer is odd, I'm not sure what to make of it exactly, Meant to convay a state of confusion or shock?

I think this would also work better without the rhyme. The piece is dark and I think it takes a little of that away from it.

Also, this is the exact opposet of what I normally tell people but in this case I think you'd be better off with no punctuation in it except for the odd period to stop a thought. It speaks of speed and sudden carnage and needs to be read faster then the frequent use of commas allows here.

The finnishing lines convey a power and realization in them. This is very good. Maybe seperate the final line to help show the sudden realization? Just a thought.

Jason The [censored]
| Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]
  i like this quite a bit. i can't find hte pattern to the rthm, aside from the ABBA ryhme scheme, which works well.

a few critiques, then i'm just going to step back and stare in admiration.

-"askin" feels weird.
-try to even up the rythme, the uneveness of it works occassionaly (the very ending 4 line couplet, for example), but usualyl distracts (at least to me).
-border feels like a stretch for a ryhme

aside from those things, this poem is great. most of all, the ending works. i like leaving it blank, trailing off there, letting her just sink in.

good write.
-Rob
| Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by AptPupilofLife2 | [ Reply to This ]

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