Apart by giver_of

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Submission Name: Apart dots

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Author:	giver_of_death
ASL Info:	15/f/can
Elite Ratio:	3.89 - 99/71/16
Words:	98

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	203
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	613

Description:
This is about the love of my life Adam and how when he left for his hockey team, 6 hours away I couldn't take it. I'm also hoping for anything to make it better and maybe a better title.

Apart

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All the times we shared together,
those memories will be forever.
But now you leave me all alone.
By myself, to face the unknown.
No longer are you close to hold my hand.
Without you my life is so bland.
Everytime I think about you i cry.
It feels like I want to die.
I don't want to do that to you,
I don't want to put you through
All the pain that would come from inside.
You, wishing, I could've been your bride
So come back, you're breaking my heart
I can't stand when we're apart

Submitted on 2006-01-05 14:33:20 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  You seemed to be focusing more on the rhyming than the actual poem...perhaps, that was just me.... I found this enlighting...love...never had much experience with it.
| Posted on 2006-11-16 00:00:00 | by Twisted | [ Reply to This ]
  This is completely and utterly...wonderful. Although I am supposed to give some sort of critique, I cannot do so because I absolutely fell in love with this piece. Lately I feel the same way...though it is kind of strange to say all these things as though he released you...if he's just on the hockey team, doesn't he call you and stuff....?

Anyway, though I totally went off on a tangent, I must say again how much I loved this and how much I can definitely relate.

Spectacular work.

Kichi
| Posted on 2006-05-03 00:00:00 | by Raging Rain | [ Reply to This ]
  "So come back, you're breaking my heart
I can't stand when we're apart"

Those lines are my favorite, although I love the whole thing.
It's so sad. I think the simplicity (thats a word, right?) brings out the feelings even more than it would if you used a bunch of overrated metaphors and stuff. It went straight from your heart to the screen and thats what makes it so great.
As always, beautifully done

-nikkki
| Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, now that I've finally found out how to read and compliment on other people's poetry, here I am. Firstly, I wanted to say that what has been said about the emotion you delivered through your poem was correct. The words you used and when you used them really brought out just how much being apart from someone you love can hurt. Though, because I am as picky as I am, there is one line that seemed rather forced - for the reason that it jumped from holding his hand, to a life so bland...

No longer are you close to hold my hand.
Without you my life is so bland.

It's a really good rhyme and everything, but I would have liked to see you go on with the one subject of an empty hand, rather than skip a whole area. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but I'm trying to be as clear as I can - and being that I am no more experienced than you, it's rather hard.
All in all though, I really liked it. Mike had said that the rhyme scheme made him want to tap his feet - which was the wrong emotion - however I personally am more pulled in when there's a rhythm for me to read to. So I guess that's a personal opinion, one which you should probably give some thought to. I hope to see lots more from you though, as I do like your style. Keep up the good work :).
| Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
  This poem is full of emotion but the rhyme scheem ruins alot of it. I found myself wanti ng to tap my foot because of the rhyme scheem and that is obviously not what you meant for this poem to do. I am sorry but i do not think this poem meets the standards that I am looking for on this site.
Mike
| Posted on 2006-03-19 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
  Awww! This is a very sweet poem. You tell such a simple little story of longing, and you get that feeling of longing across very well with your words. The rhyme here isnt overly complex but doesnt really need to be. It sucks when the person you love goes away. Whether it be for hours or days or forever, those feelings that you have described very well are there and they are difficult to deal with. I like the simplicity here. It is a very sweet and heartfelt poem. Very good write. Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  Very simple, very honest. I really liked this one...particularly the unselfishness contained in it...

Everytime I think about you i cry.
It feels like I want to die.
I don't want to do that to you,
I don't want to put you through
All the pain that would come from inside

It shows how bad you hurt, but more than anything else, you don't want him to hurt either. That's awesome that you care enough to think of his feelings, while yours are all over the place. There aren't a lot of people, particularly younger ones, that would be able to be that way. You write some heartfelt stuff! Great job!

Candi
| Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
  Heartfelt, though you could add some things that would make the poem unique, more personal, because the subject (and some rhymes) are much too hackneyed. If you could take your time to harness your emotions, this could still be redeemed, no doubt.

Hasten not. Good luck! :)
| Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by shatila | [ Reply to This ]
  what i like about it, is i know how you feel and i wrote something like that which is very close and its on my page called, All About You and i couldnt think of a title as well. well its simple and its nice.
keep in touch.
keep writing.
peacE.

-Bleedingtears
| Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by BleedingTears | [ Reply to This ]
  the words are just so simple but they have a sweet message .. it is about love.. i think you are doing good... i dont have a most like sentences here because all togeteher gave me that sweet message that i love here.. but ill recommend to do some metaphorical stuff.. you get what i mean ... just get a better environment to your poem ...
keep on writing
and peace and love
takce care
Victor!
| Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked it but it seems like you kind of tried too hard to rhyme words, you need to remember not all poems need to rhyme and in fact most great poems don't.
| Posted on 2006-07-21 00:00:00 | by Brigit | [ Reply to This ]

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