Description: I know it's long, but dont be deterred!!!
im hoping to subimt this for publication in the future but i desperately need opinions other than those of my friends and colleagues who aremuch much too nice.
Lust: The Smoke and the Sound -------------------------------------------
Revelations of Smoke and Sound
his lips, red and stained from the passions of love
parted and released a single note that flung itself into the air
as if it'd been sitting on the steamy brink of his throat
since the dawn of time
anxiously awaiting this moment of release and fulfillment
it hung in the winter air with the pride and brilliance of something irrepressibly new
and rightfully so
because it's incomprehensible that any sound
of the same capacity
had ever been uttered in the presence human ears
in that moment the outlines and differentiating features of everything
in the circumference of my glance
and i was standing in a blur of pure unadulterated color and motion
the only thing I remember
that I can coherently articulate
is his breath
the one that catapulted a note and a new standard of lustful radiance into the world
itís heat was rejected by the racist winter air
and its white, transparent body thrashed and coiled through the air
with the perverted grace of a drunken ballerina
it acrobated heavenward and clashed with the bliss that was his note
their juxtaposition melted into unitation
and thoughts were pushed across my consciousness
as if I wasnít actually thinking
but was merely a puppet
whose master was feeding me notions through my ears
looking up i saw, intertwined, the smoke and the song, like sinner and saint, were both beautiful and terrible in the same instant
And then I realized, the same could be said about love.
I don't find it too wordy at all, to be honest. I am not full of great advice or know alot about poetry but I say how it makes me feel or rather go on that emotion. I liked it, loved the vocabulary and choices of words. I think I got what you were saying although I am offten wrong.(Or just weird:) If I could give you a color to express my thoughts it would be red. Not because red is love but because it is the color on the canvis that you painted for me. A becoming picture full of meaning and beaty, though the canvis is still seen.