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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: And So Say All of Usdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 48
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 623
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 422



    Description:
       Maybe something different.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAnd So Say All of Usdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Loneliness
    is the tormenting
    fire, a Phoenix full
    of ashy eminence,
    the cusp of wonder
    fled like fireflies,
    withering her
    fluttery elegance.

    What could be
    more vertiginous
    than dreams?
    Falling from
    an Alpine parapet
    that settles in the
    genesis of myth;
    estrangement lay
    astride her
    diamond kiss.




    Submitted on 2006-01-05 20:01:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is lovely but while I had to look up 'vertiginous' myself and thanks for that I think that 'fragile' would be a better word here. It sounds so much softer and this is such a delicate poem.
    lol
    nessie
    | Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      This is quite beautiful and I have to thank you for introducing me to several new words. (one here and usually one or two others per poem.)

    "vertiginous" is a wonderful descriptive and poetic sort of word.

    I clould be wrong but it seemed like the use of settles/lay creates a problem with tense.

    A pretty deep poem and I'm not sure whether your clarity would be improved by different punctuation since your poems tend to be pretty abstract but sometimes I'm left guessing if obne thought is meant to follow on from the next or if there's meant to be a clear break.

    A possible solution would be to break the poem up.

    Loneliness
    is the tormenting
    fire, a Phoenix full
    of ashy eminence.


    The cusp of wonder
    fled like fireflies,
    withering her
    fluttery elegance.

    What could be
    more vertiginous
    than dreams?

    Falling from
    an Alpine parapet
    that settles in the
    genesis of myth;
    estrangement lay
    astride her
    diamond kiss.
    I really liked the first stanza...it's saying that elements of loneliness come from the great heights of feeling...be they those feelings realized or simply the romantic ideals people carry.

    I think the second stanza is saying that loving and losing is much more painful than dreaming and never finding the dream in real life...that the journey from being intimate to finding yourself estranged is the greater hardship.

    poignant piece.

    DB
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      This is another deep write from you that really carries the dreamy and almost mythic quality of your poetry
    I enjoy reading your posts as they are a little different from the every day post
    Thank You for sharing this
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I like that in describing the state of lonliness you go right for fire here. It's almost always associated with cold and winter but that's something that leave me kind of dry and unsatisfied whenever I hear it.

    Isolation, TRUE isolation, is rarely a cold and passive state. It is raging, if only in brief, and the taste of stale and bitter ash is never far behind.

    I like the awakening (or more to the point falling) state of awakening here in the second stanza. Once there, all else before can seem vague and ephemeral. Something longed for on one level and irrelevant on another. Distant to the point where all that has come before can take-on an unreality.

    "estrangement lay
    astride her
    diamond kiss."

    The imagry is striking to me but I'm not sure how to process it. The resentments of being alone that, in wrath, we can come to embrace for want of anything else? Cold, hard and over-valued because it is our own?

    This got me thinking. Very beautiful work.

    Jason
    | Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]
      If I were to describe loneliness, I would describe it as a vagabond's night during winter (somewhere like in Montreal, where I live...winter there can be quite ferocious). Loneliness, for me, engenders coldness. For you, as you said, the tormenting fire. The use of The pronoun the instead of A is essential. To you, it's THE tormenting fire of all tormenting fires and I can't agree more.

    And then you describe a Phoenix with such grace and vividity that, pardon if that may sound vulgar, my mind is in ecstasy.
    "a Phoenix full
    of ashy eminence,
    the cusp of wonder
    fled like fireflies,
    withering her
    fluttery elegance."
    Now we all have a general idea of what a Phoenix is/was. But you gave it colors. You gave it life. You gave it meaning. With your beautiful words. It also holds a bit of enigma. It can either be Phoenix from Egyptian Mythology or a person of unexceeded beauty. At least in that part of the poem.

    "What could be
    more vertiginous
    than dreams?"
    Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, nothing, in my perspective, is more vertiginous than dreams. Dreams of wanting someone with your entire being. But then you rise and realize, that it's only a dream. But how real it always seems.

    A wonderful piece, what more can I say? I hope my interpretation of this poem wasn't entirely false. But, it isn't something general, thus I think each individual would conceive it differently. By the way, thank you for your comment regarding to a dear friend and for your suggestions. Take care.
    | Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by wordsofmind | [ Reply to This ]
      To cast off all previous ties and be reborn - the essence of rebirth and rejuvenation - like this Phoenix of yours. The Phoenix is something that plays a major part in my life - it always has and always will, I think. I've raised myself out of the ashes so many times that I think it is a circular thing for me.

    And this is the female counterpart to the Dragon, which symbolizes so many things when alone or together with each other. Incidentally, this is part of my future tattoo that I will have one day - a Phoenix/Dragon entwined, a Yin/Yang and a Celtic knotwork star... it'll be a big back tattoo but I will have it done one day, one day! I wrote a poem about it too - more of a design concept than anything else, but hey, I'm digressing now lol.

    You speak of loneliness... of wanting a kiss that will somehow heal you... this is what I get from this piece of yours. Fireflies flee and wither - to me, this is symbolic of hope and illumined ideals flying away. Parapets - again, ideals from a lofty vantage-point.

    Critique-wise, I think it would sound better (and have a more consistent sense of tense) if you changed 'was' to 'is' in your second line. And also, I would change 'settling' to 'that settles' - it just sounds nicer and doesn't clash as much with the word 'falling'. These are just my opinions though.

    I've finally reciprocated Bill - I feel so much better lol.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


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