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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Untitleddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Podenco del infierno
    ASL Info:    19/M/Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    4.75 - 205/195/38
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1006
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 843



    Description:
       First off, i need a title. Second, this is about how one loves another so much, that everything seems real...but it all turns out to be faked to an extent...and you have felt a pain all along, and knew that the person was the one causing it, and couldn't escape, b/c you would love the person too much...i guess...i don't know if it will make too much sense to you all...but it does to me. so enjoy. if you think of a title, tell me, please.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUntitleddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I've got a tear in my eyes.
    A hole in my heart.
    My breath shortens,
    As I long for you.
    Hold me.
    I want to hear your soft heartbeat.
    I want you to hold me.
    Catch my tears as they fall.
    Save me from you.

    The tears pour,
    Flowing smoothly across my face.
    Falling into my wounds.
    I cry for you,
    Long for you.
    It is you I need,
    But denial to yourself,
    Leads to the admitance of my pain.
    And I no longer dream of what I want,
    But realize the nightmare...

    My breath shortens,
    As I long for you.
    Choke me.
    Hear my heart shatter.
    Hold my cold dead hand,
    As your decietful tears fall...
    For this is the only way,
    I can save myself from you...




    Submitted on 2006-01-05 20:14:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow
    My friend this one is really deep
    If this is a true situation
    Be careful because those feelings of love you have are on the verge odf obsession
    It is so good to see you back
    I missed seeing you here in Elite
    I hope you will be writing again soon
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm...very sad. Yet another one of your great pieces! This situation seems to happen more and more. anyway, here's my fave part:

    It is you I need,
    But denial to yourself,
    Leads to the admitance of my pain.
    And I no longer dream of what I want,
    But realize the nightmare...

    It seems the like the other person denies themself or what they feel. And it hurt the speaker and such...am i right? Well, great write! This poem really pulled me in. :) great job!

    Kim~
    | Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by _NowOrNever_ | [ Reply to This ]
      hmmn...i like this and i understood it perfectly...but i'm agreeing with lucky...you need something to help connect the reader...its more of a entry of satisfaction...to relieve the person from the agony they are feeling...but nothing to help the reader feel the pain...fully understand what this person is going for...we need a picture...title wise...hmmn...i'm not sure you not having a title has anything to do with the readers connection...i have plenty of untitled pieces that still fully connect with the person reading...sometimes its hard to pick a title that emphasizes and draws in the reader...i'll have to think about a title if i get an idea i'll tell you...purps
    | Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      Good luck thinking of a title, but i don't think it really matters. See, what you are missing is a link for the reader. there is a difference for readers between relating to a poem and connecting with a poem, and although there are a lot of emotions here that are very easy to relate with, there are very few concrete ideas/images/structures for the reader to connect with. Eck, i dont mean to sound so critical, in fact i dislike sounding so critical, but there is nothing here that really sets this apart as poetry. This is a description of emotion, words that have plenty of meaning but are missing the impact. it is self-indulgence, and it can alienate a reader. You are missing a title because a title usually helps build a connection to readers, and you are missing a connection in general.

    sorry to rant.
    i guess this was a little bit of self-indulgence on my part, too.
    | Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by luckypenny | [ Reply to This ]


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    86575

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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