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First off, i need a title. Second, this is about how one loves another so much, that everything seems real...but it all turns out to be faked to an extent...and you have felt a pain all along, and knew that the person was the one causing it, and couldn't escape, b/c you would love the person too much...i guess...i don't know if it will make too much sense to you all...but it does to me. so enjoy. if you think of a title, tell me, please.
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I've got a tear in my eyes. A hole in my heart. My breath shortens, As I long for you. Hold me. I want to hear your soft heartbeat. I want you to hold me. Catch my tears as they fall. Save me from you. The tears pour, Flowing smoothly across my face. Falling into my wounds. I cry for you, Long for you. It is you I need, But denial to yourself, Leads to the admitance of my pain. And I no longer dream of what I want, But realize the nightmare... My breath shortens, As I long for you. Choke me. Hear my heart shatter. Hold my cold dead hand, As your decietful tears fall... For this is the only way, I can save myself from you... |
Submitted on 2006-01-05 20:14:58 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| Wow My friend this one is really deep If this is a true situation Be careful because those feelings of love you have are on the verge odf obsession It is so good to see you back I missed seeing you here in Elite I hope you will be writing again soon God Bless Ron | Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ] | hmm...very sad. Yet another one of your great pieces! This situation seems to happen more and more. anyway, here's my fave part: | It is you I need, But denial to yourself, Leads to the admitance of my pain. And I no longer dream of what I want, But realize the nightmare... It seems the like the other person denies themself or what they feel. And it hurt the speaker and such...am i right? Well, great write! This poem really pulled me in. :) great job! Kim~ | Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by _NowOrNever_ | [ Reply to This ] | hmmn...i like this and i understood it perfectly...but i'm agreeing with lucky...you need something to help connect the reader...its more of a entry of satisfaction...to relieve the person from the agony they are feeling...but nothing to help the reader feel the pain...fully understand what this person is going for...we need a picture...title wise...hmmn...i'm not sure you not having a title has anything to do with the readers connection...i have plenty of untitled pieces that still fully connect with the person reading...sometimes its hard to pick a title that emphasizes and draws in the reader...i'll have to think about a title if i get an idea i'll tell you...purps | | Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ] | Good luck thinking of a title, but i don't think it really matters. See, what you are missing is a link for the reader. there is a difference for readers between relating to a poem and connecting with a poem, and although there are a lot of emotions here that are very easy to relate with, there are very few concrete ideas/images/structures for the reader to connect with. Eck, i dont mean to sound so critical, in fact i dislike sounding so critical, but there is nothing here that really sets this apart as poetry. This is a description of emotion, words that have plenty of meaning but are missing the impact. it is self-indulgence, and it can alienate a reader. You are missing a title because a title usually helps build a connection to readers, and you are missing a connection in general. | sorry to rant. i guess this was a little bit of self-indulgence on my part, too. | Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by luckypenny | [ Reply to This ] | |
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