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Author: Mr.Mentor
ASL Info:    18 Male Sparta
Elite Ratio:    2.94 - 5 /10 /3
Words: 81
Class/Type: Poetry /Angry
Total Views: 741
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 626


Written 4-18-04 Say anything, I want to get these critiqued, that means praised and bashed all at once. I do it myself but I'm obviously biased 'cuz I wrote them.


Blinded now,
And seared with pain.

You just got hit,
By a train.

Not of steel,
Coal or Iron.

But of Emotions,
Formed from sions.

Your life is hard,
heart cold.

Thinking suicide,
She bold!

The sacrafices,
you must make.

Will go unforgiven,
that bastardous snake.

He stole my life,
Heart and Soul.

The passion that burns,
Like the fires of old.

Is this world hell?
And what/who...Can I hold?

Submitted on 2006-01-06 15:07:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  So...idk...Randyesque, don't you agree. It's so deppressing but it's so much of a help right now. This one I don't know if I've already read, but it sounds like I have. I kind of like it, but it's not your best. I just wish that you of all people could be happy. But sometimes I doubt that either of us will ever reach that.

This world may already but Hell, can we seriously make it better for ourselves? I sometimes doubt we can? But other times, I just remember my friends, and I think about all the fun that I have with them. I just wish someone would make you happy, becuase I know I can't.

Your friend always
Paco the Poet of Arson
| Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by Flamequill | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with the other two comments. One these accounts: I don't like this format, I think you can you could do so much more with these thoughts if you weren't bound by a format that has a ryhme to produce, and also, the "what/who" part kind of bothered me. Another thing is just gramatical: "to bold" should be "too bold" but other than that, the thoughst are good.
| Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by Eah | [ Reply to This ]
  i agree with silent_death12 the way you set it out made it seem as if your cutting it short, like there could be something more, the wording you used however was really good, the first two lines of the poem were the best, but i felt as though you ended it weirdly, like you could have written it it differently, using a rhytorical questions as an ending was good but "and what/who... can i hold?" didn't really fit, other then that great piece, perhaps i'l read more of your work...
++My Pain++
| Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by my pain | [ Reply to This ]
  This was pretty good and I hope more people comment but there is a small problem with using a format such as this usually as it did here to some extent- makes it feel a little choppy and paused in the wrong places...that takes away from the emotion and passion that was in this one..from this piece i really see alot of talent in your writing just think of a different format maybe? otherwise good write.
| Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]

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