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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Strong Bonddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PaulHudson
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Southend, Essex
    Elite Ratio:    5.56 - 70/71/19
    Words: 144
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 816
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 998



    Description:
       Hummm, encounters the ex on a night out... what an ex she is too.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStrong Bonddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Excitement shatters,
    our mirrored faces.
    A small hug…
    and kiss.
    Tokens of the things we miss.
    My hand slips from hers,
    after saying hello… and good bye.

    I need her to leave.
    I can’t bare her here,
    just next to me.
    My minds still raw and bereaved.

    Hugging my mates that know she’s kind.
    Their wondering why she isn’t mine.

    That moment passes…
    Again.
    But the feeling doesn’t mend.
    The deep nectar of her hair,
    the warm blessings in her breath.
    Drive my heart to despair.

    That guy looks like trouble.
    But small and vulnerable,
    she comes back to me.
    Tender, Loving kisses,
    Tingling, for her Lips but misses.

    Our honesty of the love we share,
    leaves room for friends that truly care.

    But like I said,
    lets not pretend,
    these feeling will never mend.




    Submitted on 2006-01-06 21:07:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Okay, after reading this twice, I'm guessing there must be some scenes we've missed. In the first stanza you're describing you two breaking up. But you're still friends, and all that. Second stanza, your longing for her. Last stanza, I've no idea what the vulnerable guy's about, but she comes back to you and you're together again.

    That's what I got from the piece at least. There are hidden scenes (like the vulnerable guy?!) but that's fine cause it's your poem and it's a true one, so why should we know any details?

    I actually quite liked this piece. The emotion is just enough to make you go "awww" but not too much to make the poem mushy. It sounds fine to me really. I don't know what you're on about when you say the rhyme scheme isn't original, I like how it isn't too resticted.

    Corrections: last line in stanza one, it should read "They're". Then the last line of the second stanza, it should read "heart" like dear Ravenwood said.

    Hmm, it is nice, I admire the way you've expressed things.

    Take care,

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      That sounds like an unpleasant situation. Everything about the poem grammar wise is good, except for the word "hart" in the second stanza. It should be spelled "heart" instead. That was the only thing that I felt needed to be changed. I know what you're going through in this poem. Seeing someone that you used to be with, and not being with them while you still care for them. I think that you can emphasize that a lot more by making a break in the first stanza starting with the line "I need her to leave." I think that if you create another stanza beginning with that line, and emphasize that emotion more it would intensify the emotion.
    | Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by Ravenwood | [ Reply to This ]


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