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A wedding vow


Author: musclebound350
ASL Info:    26/male
Elite Ratio:    4.87 - 197 /202 /70
Words: 89
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1173
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 537



Description:


me talkin to this girl I like as I imagine in my wedding. Starts with me talkin to myself for the first line. As like I am sayin it in my head to myself.


A wedding vow



mountains I'd climb, to get to her
without you, life, is such a blur
of one so beautiful, and one so true
these thoughts I think, are thoughts of you

for you I hold, the one I love
beautiful, as a morning dove
that glistening sparkle, in your eye
brings infinite joy, to be your guy

these tears you see upon my face
flow from my eyes, with love we embrace
So here's to joy, you bring into my life
all these thoughts, of a perfect wife




Submitted on 2006-01-07 04:16:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  aaaaaaaaaw this is really very sweet. i love that you feel so strongly about her, most guys even if they are CRAZY about their girlfriends or wives will be very hush hush about it until it's only the two of them. you, my friend, aren't afraid to let EVERYBODY know how you feel about her, and for that, i applaud you.

*stands up and applauds*

sorry, had to get that out of the way. i love the honesty but i found myself wanting a little more. i wish you would have elaborated a little, but that's just my opinion. other than that, it was really beautiful. ...bb...

XoXo
~Tayla~
| Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]
  Awww! It's so sweet you care for her enough to think of her as your wife. Guys who are serious about their girlfriends are rare these days.

As for the poem itself, excuse my honesty, but a lot of it is too cliché. Why don't you add more to this, I'm sure there is so much you can write about how you feel. I'm willing you bet your thoughts didn't flow this way. Get all your thoughts down, don't think of it as poetry, believe me, it'll all come out in your own original way.

Describe what she's wearing, how she looks on the wedding day. What you think when you look at her (which would just be what you've put in here with some more emotion), describe what you'd say to her. Use different ways of describing the joy you feel knowing you're going to spend the rest of your days together.

I really think this poem has the potential of a masterpiece. And I know you can add so much more to it. If you care about what you've written, I say re-write it.

Whether you decide to take my advice and add to this poem, it's up to you. But I've done my job, and given you my thoughts.

Thanks for listening,

DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi, your poem is nice. I know you have said that the first two lines are about you thinking but for some reason, it doesn't work for me. I think it might be to do with the last two lines of the stanza;

of one so beautiful, and one so true
these thoughts I think, are thoughts of you

These two lines are brilliant (apart from the 'and' which doesn't need to be there). I love the flow of the lines but it makes the first two lines seem insignificant. It would be much better if the whole stanza had the punch of the last two lines.

Again in the second stanza;

for you I hold, the one I love
beautiful, as a morning dove
that glistening sparkle, in your eye
brings infinite joy, to be your guy

The second line is too easy/obvious and yet the other three lines are great.

The last stanza;

these tears you see upon my face
flow from my eyes, with love we embrace
So here's to joy, you bring into my life
all these thoughts, of a perfect wife

This stanza is messy, there are too many words in lines two, three and four and you lose the rhyme scheme. I have to say, I am not great at rhyme scheme myself! but I have learned from reading other people's poetry, that there are words which can be removed from a poem or a word that can replace another. It doesn't change the poem much, but it does make it an easier read.

Sorry if this sounds like I am nitpicking because I actually do like it, I just think that if you edit it a bit here and there, it won't just be 'nice', it will be really good.
| Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by litllost | [ Reply to This ]
  
Hey! This is a good work! But like the previous one said, the first two lines didn't work... My opinion is that you take those lines and and form another seperate stanza, something like an intro for your entire piece then the last two lines of the first stanza, try filling them with new two lines. So everything will flow beautifully... Well, you have a good flow here, not "jumpy"...

Second stanza, last line. The word guy really went out of place, try checking the thesaurus if there are any synonyms for the word guy but can still rhyme with eye. Let's hope there is though...

Last stanza, third line. Don't you think it should be:

So here's to the joy you bring into my life

I really dont know...

To end off... It is a very romantic write! It made the reader imagine an actual wedding! You did great in that part! Yeah! Maybe because of the perfect words you chose, they really fitted in!

Great write! Keep it up, man!
| Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by del1rium | [ Reply to This ]


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