Description: I kinda wanted to try something different... my work is mainly inspired by personal experiences and feelings, so I wanted to see if I could put something semi-decent together from a kind of "story-tellers" point of view. Let me know what you think
STOLEN FROM SAFETY -------------------------------------------
Stolen from safety
She scrambled and screamed
But the emptiness of her surroundings threw no lifeline
As she realised her fate, and cursed her misfortune
She closed her eyes and prayed
At least let it be painless….
Eventually the lively waves grew peaceful
As if becoming weary by the fall of night
Lifting her gently, they pushed her to the shore
They’d had enough of playing for a while
As she lay beneath a blanket of darkness
Salty blood trickled from naked wounds
Forming angry stains upon her pale surface
The sand explored her broken, lifeless bones
Preserving her dignity
As the sea quietly crept away, leaving her to sleep
I like this. Overboard and washed ashore, we can take anyway we like. Literal or symbolic. I have a few suggestions, to use if you wish:
S1 - L3 Drop the words "the" and "of her surroundings".
S2 - L1 Change "As she realized her fate" to "Her fate realized", then drop "and" and add "she". L2 Drop "she". L3 Drop "ATtleast" and quote beginning with "Let".
S3 - L1 Change "Eventually the lively" to just "Playful". L2 Drop "As if becoming". L4 Drop "Lifting her gently" and add "gently" to the end of the line "shore, gently".
S4 - L1 Drop "As she lay" L3 Drop "forming" and add "formed" after Stains". "stains, formed"
S5 - L1 Drop "the". L3 / L4 Break at "away" to creat a new line.
I hope these will only enhance your poem. Feel free to discard them if you choose.
I like your little story, here. It could lead to more such ballads, as you fill us in on the details of her plight. You have opened up our curiosity bottle, and we will not settle for just a sip. Good story going, tell us more.
The beauty of poetry is the multi-faceted meanings. Sure take this literally, and we see a maiden washed ashore after haplessly falling overboard. But; can we also see a revolting child leaving home to find her way? In the worlds ocean of unforgiveness? Can we see an old person stricken in years, losing their independence, and finally darkness comes to rescue them as their life grows peaceful in death, preserving their dignity? Is that a stretch of your view of death? I tend to see more than I am supposed to I guess, this was quite well done, I suggest you stick with your new avenue of Story Telling Later.
This is really good. I like the imagery in this! I could picture every line in my head...
It's as if the girl in this poem had been riding on a boat in the ocean, or the sea, and a storm had started and she had fallen off into the waves. She wanted someone to help her, so she screamed out, but no one threw her the lifeline. Then she finally ended up floating to shore, but she was already gone.