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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: STOLEN FROM SAFETYdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sugar
    ASL Info:    23/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    3.43 - 84/63/9
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 1166
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 777



    Description:
       I kinda wanted to try something different... my work is mainly inspired by personal experiences and feelings, so I wanted to see if I could put something semi-decent together from a kind of "story-tellers" point of view. Let me know what you think


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSTOLEN FROM SAFETYdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Stolen from safety
    She scrambled and screamed
    But the emptiness of her surroundings threw no lifeline

    As she realised her fate, and cursed her misfortune
    She closed her eyes and prayed
    At least let it be painless….

    Eventually the lively waves grew peaceful
    As if becoming weary by the fall of night
    Lifting her gently, they pushed her to the shore
    They’d had enough of playing for a while

    As she lay beneath a blanket of darkness
    Salty blood trickled from naked wounds
    Forming angry stains upon her pale surface

    The sand explored her broken, lifeless bones
    Preserving her dignity
    As the sea quietly crept away, leaving her to sleep




    Submitted on 2006-01-07 07:18:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like this. Overboard and washed ashore, we can take anyway we like. Literal or symbolic. I have a few suggestions, to use if you wish:

    S1 - L3 Drop the words "the" and "of her surroundings".

    S2 - L1 Change "As she realized her fate" to "Her fate realized", then drop "and" and add "she". L2 Drop "she". L3 Drop "ATtleast" and quote beginning with "Let".

    S3 - L1 Change "Eventually the lively" to just "Playful". L2 Drop "As if becoming". L4 Drop "Lifting her gently" and add "gently" to the end of the line "shore, gently".

    S4 - L1 Drop "As she lay" L3 Drop "forming" and add "formed" after Stains". "stains, formed"

    S5 - L1 Drop "the". L3 / L4 Break at "away" to creat a new line.

    I hope these will only enhance your poem. Feel free to discard them if you choose.

    I like your little story, here. It could lead to more such ballads, as you fill us in on the details of her plight. You have opened up our curiosity bottle, and we will not settle for just a sip. Good story going, tell us more.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      The beauty of poetry is the multi-faceted meanings.
    Sure take this literally, and we see a maiden washed ashore after haplessly falling overboard.
    But; can we also see a revolting child leaving home to find her way? In the worlds ocean of unforgiveness?
    Can we see an old person stricken in years, losing their independence, and finally darkness comes to rescue them as their life grows peaceful in death, preserving their dignity?
    Is that a stretch of your view of death?
    I tend to see more than I am supposed to I guess, this was quite well done, I suggest you stick with your new avenue of Story Telling
    Later.
    | Posted on 2006-01-18 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good. I like the imagery in this! I could picture every line in my head...

    It's as if the girl in this poem had been riding on a boat in the ocean, or the sea, and a storm had started and she had fallen off into the waves. She wanted someone to help her, so she screamed out, but no one threw her the lifeline. Then she finally ended up floating to shore, but she was already gone.

    That's what I think anyway.

    Well... that's a great write. Keep it up!

    -Shadow
    | Posted on 2006-01-17 00:00:00 | by Lavender | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, it's beautiful. seriously each stanza could stand alone and be great, but taken as a whole...this is amazing...i think it's going on my "groovy" list
    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoy a good story as well as piece which presents a certain mood. This was done well. It left me wondering about the circumstances which brought the girl to this end. Good work.
    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
      I can taste the salty blood, it is my favorite line. This is a very interesting piece that leaves the reader seeing the sea take her life and then leave her alone.

    Perhaps the sea represents an older lover or even a rapist?

    I will check out some more of your work for sure.
    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by D McDaniel | [ Reply to This ]
      Amazing! Short and sweet, with beautiful imagery! You really got the message across in this piece! Keep up the great work!
    | Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by metalman_21 | [ Reply to This ]
      mmmm, i loved this. i pictured it perfectly in my head after sumerizing every word. there's nothing i could/would chang eabout this piece. and i'm honored to have read it, thanks for sharing<3
    | Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by Cannablisjunkie | [ Reply to This ]
      ooh i like it, such great imagery, and rhythm.

    I especially like the last three lines,

    "
    The sand explored her broken, lifeless bones
    Preserving her dignity
    As the sea quietly crept away, leaving her to sleep
    "
    good work.
    | Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by mrmundane | [ Reply to This ]


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