As it Lies by Ace

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Submission Name: As it Lies dots

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Author:	Ace
ASL Info:	17/m/In Hell
Elite Ratio:	4.11 - 305/336/56
Words:	118

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	202
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	787

Description:
tell me what you think
it is a ballad

As it Lies dots

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In the breeze of the new morning
I await the day promptly
Softly, as the moon watches me,
High above the collapsing seas
It lays among the broken fees.

In the light of the dieing day
The moon still lingers in the evening night
Ruthless, as it's light peirces me,
High above the collapsing seas
It lays among the broken fees.

In the mist of the flawed night
The day smelled sweet
Painfully, it tries and fails
High above the collapsing seas
It lays among the broken fees.

In the blaze of the tattered breath
The night decayed with lies
Softly, letting me go,
Amongst the shattered seas
I lay among the collapsing fees.

Submitted on 2006-01-07 11:11:44 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  o.o I really really liked this. I've been dumb on finding the meaning in things, so I have no idea what this is about lol. Buttttttt great write.<33
| Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by Thinkingofyou | [ Reply to This ]
  In all honsety it was good but I didn't see it as finished but hey maybe I misintupred(spelling) it. Been a while. Good to read something of yours. My fault I keep forgetting to look.

Blessed Be!
| Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by Sarah Leger | [ Reply to This ]
  i realy enjoyed this poem, i felt as if i was right there watching the person in this poem go through the hardships of life. i think the best feature to this piece was the ending and how you put yourself into the poem or try to draw the reader farther into it. great write i hope to read more.

brandon
| Posted on 2006-01-10 00:00:00 | by disturbedx1000 | [ Reply to This ]
  "High above the collapsing seas
It lays among the broken fees"
Repeating these two lines was a wonderful idea, as it set the tone for the poem. I like this very much; in fact I think I might favorite it.

As far as improvement goes, I see very few things that need to be fixed. I don't know if I like the second stanza as much as the rest of the piece. Maybe edit it and see what you can do with it. Other than that, I see nothing really wrong. Just a few spelling and grammatical errorrs, but nothing intensely huge. Well done!
| Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by Raging Rain | [ Reply to This ]
  and what a sad mood you set for this. heartbreaking. well...as weird as this may sound...it's sortta calming, recovering(from whatever) type of feeling. the repition works well I suppose...glad you mixed it up with the last stanza though. yup yup. well done. write on

XOxoXO,
me
| Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by angelfyre | [ Reply to This ]
  i can see that your whole setting out and ryhming relied upon those last two lines on each stanza other then the last one, but perhaps if you have them at the start it would have sounded better, to me it became repeative and i felt it ruined it in some way, i liked how you ended this piece its like a dream is being broken, wonderful...
take care
++My Pain++
| Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by my pain | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a very deep write that really captured a very calming feeling in me
I really liked this
Great Write
Your Friend
Ron
| Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]

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