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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Escapedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PaulHudson
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Southend, Essex
    Elite Ratio:    5.56 - 70/71/19
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 789
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 875



    Description:
       The Lake District, England. If you havenít been there, go.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEscapedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Crisp, cool, clean waters.
    Abundantly rich of life,
    swirls between toes.

    Stream of virginity,
    cascading from mysterious,
    unassailable pastures,
    commanding the horizon.

    The suns soul,
    enthrals skins senses.
    Warm kisses, smother,
    my body with oily aroma.

    Balanced, breeze blowing,
    shirt dancing to its mellow tune.
    Head hung heavy,
    on my tranquil neck.

    Like nature, I flourish.
    With roots buried, deeply into silt.
    Osmosis,
    harvesting, pure waters of life and all.

    My humble face blooms.
    Photosynthesising,
    vitamins and soul,
    the nectar of my mind sweetening.

    Like grass,
    I surrender myself,
    to this habitat for eternity,
    how ever long it lasts.




    Submitted on 2006-01-07 14:20:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      The strenght in this poem is your ability to put the reader into the moment. I could feel the sand between my toes and I could literally see my shirt dancing in the wind. I can tell by your discription that this location left its print on your heart.

    Head hung heavy,
    on my tranquil neck.

    Does this mean that you are humbled by the awsome beauty and power displayed here by creation?

    Stream of virginity,
    cascading from mysterious,
    unassailable pastures,
    commanding the horizon.

    The most unique and beautiful discription of a body of water ever read, and I'm originally from California.

    this habitat for eternity,
    how ever long it lasts.

    Are you worried about Global Warming? (lol, unless ofcourse you really are then in that case:<) Or are you referring to however long you are able to remain at that beautiful place and in that perfect moment before life once again beckons?

    Only thing I'd reconsider is "enthral" Think of the words definition and ask yourself if it truely conveys the point youre going for or is it just a cool word to use. To me it stands out from the entire piece because your language use is so beautifully simple (outside of the scientific terms but they work well). Entrals doesnt' fit it at all with the rest of this (plust it's to l's in enthrall but who am i to judge spelin' or grammir"

    Great write,

    Spoken

    | Posted on 2006-07-19 00:00:00 | by spoken | [ Reply to This ]
      You have a really good strong rythm here, Paul. few spare words. I thnk you could go even farther with triming your language though. With this poem I think you could go all the way to the barest essential words and still give an extremly evocative peace with a great rhythm and a really strong image. Strip the language awy as much as you can... if only to see what happens. I think you might like it. Get rid of little words like 'my'... some of the 'of's. You're becoming grass. Shw us that simplicity through your language, if only for an experiment.
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi there. I must say this is a lovely poem and sounds to me like a most delightful escape! Your title is most suiting to this wonderful poem filled with beautiful imagery! This is very well written and expressed and you bring the reader there as they read. I live along the coast and I must say, the ocean is one of my favorite places to be. Something about nature and water just provides such a calming and serene sense of being. I enjoyed reading this one. Nice work and Welcome to Elite! Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this very much. Rich words, beautiful discriptions.
    Captivating, very. You really drew me in with all the life you brought into this.

    You could go over it again, just reading it & make a few small changes, take out some words.. just little things.

    As I said though, I loved it. Very peaceful.
    You took me to this picture you were painting, such a beautiful thing when you can take the reader from their world into the one you are creating. Lovely.
    Take care
    ~jennifer
    | Posted on 2006-01-11 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this write, Paul! Did you know that you started off with a Haiku? Don't know why I always check that stuff. I'm not an old hand at poetry at all. I never paid much attention in school...had too much going on at home and in my head...I could have passed with flying colors, though.

    This is my favorite: "Balanced, breeze blowing,
    my shirt dancing to its mellow tune..." You have meticulously and precisely considered and described a pleasant and personal moment in time. I am impressed...and then "to surrender yourself to this habitat...for eternity..." Oh, if only life could be so simple...You've captured this beautifully, Paul! Thanks for sharing!

    Oh...and the "between the toes" thing...maybe you could keep "between" and replace "glide?" Just a thought...LOL!

    Kimmy
    | Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by KimmyMim | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi, this is peaceful and has some great word choices.
    I'm ashamed to say that the closest I've ever been is on a train, but it's on my list of things to do before I die.

    Osmosis, I'd heard of reverse osmosis which helps turns salt water to drinkable water. I just looked it up and it ain't any clearer . What's wrong with laymens terms, bloody scientists.

    A small spell check 'senses' I think you wanted

    and the line 'glides through my toes'
    over or between may be more appropriate. Cheers.

    TTFN
    V
    | Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]


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