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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Over the Edgedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: josymanthegreat
    ASL Info:    21/m/GA from Puerto Rico
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 337/364/104
    Words: 472
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 653
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 2923



    Description:
       This is a story poem dark and serious please comment


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOver the Edgedots
    -------------------------------------------


    "I can't do it"
    "No you can't"
    "I will never succeed"
    "You are right you can't"
    "Why must you mock me?"
    "You always mock yourself"
    "I will try again"
    "It doesn't matter, you'll always fail"

    Now his name is Jeff and he hears a voice that's invisible,
    He is in a depression over six months so call it cyclical,
    No one knows his name but they call him a strange individual,
    Though he has lived in the county
    ever since he was born.

    He is not a bright child even though he tries his best,
    Nobody calls him a geek because he is in a group by himself,
    He is the last picked in games the last to ever be claimed,
    And the bigger kids pick on him because he is "lame".

    He has taken being treated like this ever since he was six,
    He was treated even worse when he tried to succeed,
    Sometimes he even beat himself with sticks,
    It seems like that is how his entire life is fixed.

    He realized that his life was going no where and he had had enough,
    So next day he showed up at school with a gun,
    Went to the cafeteria slowly pulled it out of his shorts,
    Looked around and from that moment on his revenge took off.

    First he went for the guys who made fun of him at classes,
    Knocked the brain out of all of them then he adjusted his glasses,
    Making sure that anything that got in his way didn't have any chances,
    And when he got done he had left everyone in permanent trances.

    "You have done it Jeff" said the voice in the back of his head,
    "I am tired of you" he replied pointing the gun at himself,
    "You are a failure and you are about to show why you are that again"
    Jeff let his head hang and said "Well this is the one thing that I will not fail"

    The blast was heard and his revenge done at last,
    Headlines on the newspapers said "They should find guilty his dad",
    A mob formed and they headed to home of Lance,
    Fettered by the same fate but with a pad on his hand.

    "This is for whomever it concerns" thats how it started,
    "I have had enough of the abuse in my classes,
    I know deep in your mind you are wanting to know what caused it,
    Just ask some of the survivors how my life everyday happened"

    This was the story of a person named Jeff,
    He did not have a future; he was tortured everyday,
    Nobody showed compassion not even a bit of concern,
    Now everyone affected will forever on remember that day... when Jeff finally...
    Finally went over the edge




    Submitted on 2006-01-07 20:19:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      This is a good story. Your words here are very well chosen and expressed. This situation is very sad and tragic, and happens more often than you would think it would. Lots of children grow up with feelings of failure particularly because of parents who lack the skill to be parents. They probably were brought up the same way and it is all they know about what it means to be a parent. The cycle is vicious and neverending and sometimes results in tragedy such as this. This is heartbreaking and so awful for the innocent who lose their lives because of this. You did a good job writing this story. Very good work here. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW! I am over here in shock boy! You took a subject and definitely made it a clear point that not at all times are the parents to blame. At times a child can be so ridiculed for just being who they are theat it does turn them psychotic and they will lash out. I feel sorry for these individuals.

    It's a lot of pressure going to school if there aren't any people there that you can lean on and trust. Those that are not as popular as the rest take a lot of abuse.

    If only some could choose to see what a person is like internally rather then judge them by things out of their control. I think that a lot of changes would be seen.

    This was wonderful...dark...yet wonderful.

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2006-01-19 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      Over all the story was very good. There are some inconsistancies but they do not take away from the tale.
    Stnza 1 Ln2 Seems to be a tense problem.
    He is in a depression over six months so call it cyclical.
    Could read like this
    He has been in a depression for over six months, so call it cyclical
    or He has been depressed for six months, call it cyclical

    He is the last picked in games the last to ever be claimed
    or
    He is last picked for games and last to be claimed

    These are just a few things that could enhance the flow of the write.

    Overall this is very good and The story has alot of truth to it.

    This is a reminder of all those teens that have been pushed into this very situation.
    Because one is different we as a society feel the need to make them outcast.
    They are belittled and degraded to the point of self destruction or destruction of those who mistreat them.

    I liked thes write

    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a heartbreaking story. Because it's true. It's truly sad that such poetry has become "common". These are lives. These are people. Why do such things happen? Geeks, Nerds, Goths, Sluts.. [censored] that, only soup cans need labels!

    I agree this poem needs revising but I won't go into grammatical details because I know you were serious when you wrote this. Some realities go further than typos, don't you agree?

    Take care,

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece deffinitely needs some work. It isn't a bad story or a poor message... it just needs fine tuned.
    I like the first stanza and how it opens up into the poem. No changes there. Second stanza, I'd make a quatrain like all the following stanza's other than the last. The last stanza being a cinquain is very efecttive, though... how it goes over the edge just like the line says.
    Corrupted Spirit is right about his two points. I think what you need to do with this piece to make it finished is to define your form. Choose a rhyme scheme and stick with it. Choose a meter or line length and stick with it. As is it sounds and reads very hap-hazardly. Lack of punctuation makes it confusing in places.
    "He did not have a future he was tortured everyday,"
    needs a period or a semi colon or something after 'future'. Keep cleaning this and it'll be a first rate piece.
    | Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      He is not a bright children even though he tries his best,
    This line needs to be revised as "He is not a children" doesn't make sense, i'm guessing it's just a typo.
    "Now everyone affected will forever on remember that day"
    This may just be me being picky but forever on remember doesn't seem to read correctly.

    Other than those two points, i really enjoyed this piece.
    It was written in such a way that you just wanted to read on, kind of capivating if you like.
    You described his everyday trauma very well and gave the reader a great insight without making the piece to long and without trailing off into to much detail.
    It's just a shame that this isn't completely fictional piece and children are persicuted in this way.
    Hope this was of some help
    Danny
    | Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by corruptedspirit | [ Reply to This ]


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